“As we drove to the party, my mind drifted. There are days I wonder if my mind is an engine or an exhaust…”
I looked at myself in the mirror, hmmn not bad I thought to myself as I took a swirl in my flirty short dress in front of the mirror. My dress had a portrait neckline and sheer mesh panel that ran along the centre front bodice of my gown. Belted waistband segues into a full mesh skirt that is delicately adorned in crystals. It was an illusion plunge sexy jeweled bodice and swirl jeweled short prom dress. It is the kind of dress that makes a girl feel like a goddess.
Teju’s look was one of total admiration. I just knew in that moment I was the only one that mattered in the entire world to him. Come on girls, everyone knows what I’m talking about. The look a guy gives you when you know he’s into you and really wants to kiss you. The look that is a perfect blend between sexy and adorable. The look that can make your heart flutter and your lips tremble. You see his dreamy eyes gaze at your own and notice them slowly lower and fix on your lips. You notice him quickly glance back up, in hopes of recovering from giving anything away; the look of vulnerability. As hard as he tries to keep his eyes off your lips, he can’t, which fully exposes his feelings. “You look gorgeous Tobs,” he said breathlessly.
As we drove to the party, my mind drifted. There are days I wonder if my mind is an engine or an exhaust. Am I the master of what I think or are my ideas the result of deep thinking I’m only loosely aware of? There is a third possibility of course, that it is both, and it depends on my feelings at the time. I feel most clear thinking and in control when I am calm and happy, more driven by impulses when I am fearful and anxious. I long made a vow never to make choices that matter when I am feeling confused, perhaps then my life can make a turn for the better. I may not always make the right choices but I pray the balance of good to bad shift in my favour the result will certainly be awesome.
All eyes were set on us when we got in the glam party that evening. Amazement doesn’t quite cover it. I felt like someone just took my spark of wonder and poured on kerosene. The smile I showed on the outside can’t adequately reflect what I feel inside; it’s like every neuron of my brain is trying to fire in both directions at once – the best kind of paralysis. What am I doing here with this stranger, I wondered. I barely knew him and yet I was being treated like the belle of the ball. I have two men waiting for me back home, am I about to add a third? I need my head examined, I brooded morosely.
There was a time in my life I expressed my feelings in a true way, but I can’t go on like that, right? I can’t keep bawling like a baby and throwing tantrums like a toddler. I need to get a grip on my mind, there has to be a balance, a point of virtue. Now every negative emotion is buried before I can even feel it, making me passive and weak. Everyone loves me for my smile and twenty-four-seven happy disposition; meanwhile every other feeling is crammed in my chest. Problem is, that space is getting so full, so much harder to ignore, and the disparity between my outgoing personality and inner pain is so difficult to bear. I wish I’d learnt to get these emotions out instead of bottling them up; there is no ‘healthy release’ when the internal pressure is this high. How do I defuse this bomb without triggering the damage I seek to avoid? Teju looked like he was beginning to like me too much and that is not an option. I still had two men I was juggling, no way am I going to add a third; more over I am not into very light skinned men.