Wealth rules the world. This is why some bachelors and spinsters deliberately go out of their way to make it a priority of things to look out for in their partners before they agree to marry. But James Eshilama Igbasekhe and Jane Malutu Ugbasekhe who have been married for 29 years now said that it should not be the first thing in any relationship that hopes to lead to marriage. The question should not be: how much does he or she have, but how much love?
In this interview with PAUL OSUYI, the couple from Itsukwi, North Ibie, in Etsako East Local Government Area of Edo State, shared experiences that have kept their marriage going, all these years. None of them has anything to do with wealth. They also gave tips to married and intending couples on how to make their marriage work.
How did you meet?
Mr James: We are from the same locality. We grew up in the same community as children even right from primary school. So we have always known each other right from our childhood. After some time, I left the village for Kano in the North. I was there for some years. Although I usually visited home, it was the 1991 Reinhard Bonnke riot in Kano that finally brought me home. The riot happened in October of that year. But I had planned to come home in December. But because of the riot, I had to come home months earlier. As God would have it, I saw her again. So the moment I saw her that 1991, something struck me about her. Now that was the first time we met and I started having some feelings for her.
Madam Jane: As he said, we schooled at the same primary school although he was a senior boy or monitor. Anytime, he saw me, he would say: ‘this is my wife’ and I would say, ‘I will not marry you.’ Later, I think, his mum would see me and call me her daughter-in-law. I would say: ‘No, I am not your daughter-in-law.’ Initially, we joked about it at that time.
What were you doing in Kano?
Mr James: I did some courses in architecture at the Kano Institute of Higher Education then. But the riot cut short my stay in Kano, though I was already working with an architectural firm.
For how long were you in courtship before marriage?
Mr James: I don’t know whether to call that courtship now. But what I know is that when I eventually came down to the village in 1991, we entered into a relationship that eventually led to marriage. We met in December 1991 and married in June 1993.
Could you remember how you proposed to her?
Mr James: I think I can remember that day. I was with some of my friends, two of them. I discussed with them that I was interested in her and that I wanted her to be my wife. In fact, it’s like we had gone out and I had paid her a visit. People saw us; my parents saw us. I happened to be the last child of my parents. She followed me to my house. Then I saw her off. When I came back I was like going to my mum to apologise for coming home with a female visitor. But I met her and one of my elder brothers already discussing the issue. Those who had been seeing us together around the village too were suspecting that something was going on. But my mum and my elder brother approved of it, to my greatest surprise. They told me that if I was interested in her, I should go for her, that they would know how to go about it. They told me the procedure. In a village setting, normally there is a way they do it. You make a cash presentation to a girl which she would take home and show to her parents. That would set the ball rolling. That was how my parents now took it up from there.
When he made the cash presentation to you what was your reaction?
Madam Jane: When he presented the money, it was N200. He told me that he would marry me, that I would be the mother of his children. I took the money to my grandmum. I told her what James said. My grandmum took the money to my grandfather.
Mr James: In fact, she was staying in Ekpoma at that time with her parents. She just came home and was staying with her grandparents.
Madam Jane: They said okay, they would wait for his parents. After one week, his brother and uncle came.
Was there any opposition to your marriage?
Mr James: No, there was no opposition. Both families agreed, despite the fact that she is from a Muslim family. The parents were Muslims. Her grandfather was like the Imam in the village. Her father was a Muslim though residing at Ekpoma at that time. Because we were of different religious backgrounds, we did not wed on time. By the time we got formally married, we’d had two kids. She was not a Christian at all. But when she started it was to a Pentecostal church she went. It was later we became Catholics.
As a young man who lived in Kano and other places, you must have had around you some other girls. What made you go for this one?
Mr James: Yes I saw other girls while in Kano and some right in the village. But I think it was love. At the time I knew her as a child, I had left home. There was no means of communication. But somehow, I always remembered her. After some years of being away, the first time I saw her upon my return, something struck me and told me she is my wife.
What made you accept him?
Madam Jane: I loved him.
What did you see in him?
Madam Jane: I saw love. I knew he would be able to take care of me properly.
What can you remember most about your traditional marriage?
Mr James: There was no drama. Everything went smoothly.
Could you remember what you wore or looked like on that day?
Mr James: I was in the village till May 1992 when I got a job in Warri. So we did the marriage in June 1993. I visited her throughout 1992. By December 1992, I was already working in Warri. I got home on the 18th of the month because my company had closed. I came to Ekpoma to see her and her parents. They were expecting her home on December 22. Then my mum was still alive. I waited for her that day. I didn’t see her. I was already in love. It was as if I felt sick for not being able to see her. I was anxious to see her but unfortunately, I was disappointed. I later got to know that her mum did not allow her to come. Even after waiting for her till around 4, 5 pm that day. I went inside and locked myself up. My mother was wondering what was wrong with me. I didn’t talk to anybody. In fact, that was how I went to bed that night. There was another time again that I visited her from Warri, to the knowledge of her parents and one of her younger sisters. We went out to a photographer’s studio to snap pictures. We wore white guinea brocade for the outing that day. The photographer refused to snap us on grounds that he does not snap boyfriend and girlfriend. I told him we are not just boyfriend and girlfriend, that we just came out from her parent’s house, and we were into something serious. I had an uncle who was a policeman then in Ekpoma. I slept in his house. In the morning, I went to my wife’s house, we dressed up and came out together. I explained all that to him. Yet he refused to snap us despite the fact that we were putting on the same colour of clothes. What happened is that the man happened to know her before then. He said he knew her parents.
Are those any character traits you would like her to do away with?
Mr James: We have lived close to 30 years. I don’t think I can see anything I would want her to do away with.
But which area would you want her to improve?
Mr James: Well, in whatever you are doing, there is always room for improvement. But I can’t see any particular area.
Could you recall your first misunderstanding and how you resolved it?
Mr James: At times we have arguments and we always settle. One serious argument I can remember came when we had a nephew staying with us. In fact, she brought my nephew to our house. There was a time we went to the village and saw the young boy. And then she asked him to come and spend the holiday with us. I was very happy about it and other family members were happy. After he finished his WASSCE, he did not make all his papers, she asked him to come over again. He came and was staying with us. You know as children, at a point he started being stubborn. There was this particular night she wanted to flog him, I said no, that she should let me handle it. That was the first time I would say we had a serious misunderstanding. Apart from that, as husband and wife, we have little arguments here and there and we always settle.
How do you usually settle the little, little quarrels you spoke about?
Mr James: If I am doing something which she does not like, and I later realise my mistake, I would go back to her and apologise. She does the same thing.
Madam Jane: He has said it all.
What is your advice for bachelors who want to go into marriage?
Mr James: They should not look out for wealth or base their choice on whether the girl is wealthy or not or come from a wealthy family. That is the most important thing I have to say. I remember when I came back from the North, I later heard that some persons were saying that she should not have allowed somebody who just escaped from the war zone to marry her. Truly in 1991, some of my things came home before me. My elder sister’s husband was able to charter a lorry to bring home their property. I put a few of my things in that vehicle, some of which are still in my house in the village. They include my white centre table and white carpet because as a young man I was able to maintain white. There were blood stains on them. After seeing those items with blood stains, how can you tell that that person was still alive? So nobody believed then that I was alive until I finally came home in December. People were saying that I came home with nothing, and that I cannot make further progress in life. But we thank God today, we have been living fine.
What is your advice for spinsters who are thinking of getting married?
Madam Jane: My advice to them is that they should go for love not money.
From your personal experiences, how would you advise younger couples on how to make their marriage work?
Mr James: As I said before now, it is love. Don’t look at it whether the person you want to marry is wealthy or not, as long as she is able and willing to work. Fortune can smile at anybody, anytime. As for the lady, she should not look outside but stick to her partner. Once she does that, I am sure they would be able to live together for a very long time.
Madam Jane: It is the same thing I would like to tell them.