Yes, love is addictive. And it is not caused by juju or some pastor’s chants. Natural love is a very strong emotion that provides good feelings. We all like to be loved and do fall in love. The feeling could even be intoxicating, intoxicating enough to turn one’s world upside down.
It is natural to want this euphoric feeling to last forever. But for every good thing, there is the possibility for an addiction.
The initial feeling of love is particularly wonderful. We want it to last forever, but it doesn’t. That wonderful initial feeling of new love doesn’t (and can’t) last forever. In healthy long-term relationships, the initial love gradually transforms into a more mature love – one that is perhaps less intoxicating and euphoric, but ultimately much more fulfilling and stable.
When love grows this much into maturity, the two become so dependent on each other that any disruption to the love equation leaves sad emotional tales. One dies, the other becomes miserable and follows soon after. We could say in such situations that the two have become addicted to love (for each other).
The dangerous addiction
I am not about to write a Nollywood script here. Experts have long discovered that there are people who are addicted to that initial high of love. That intoxicating feeling felt when one falls in love initially. That early taste of a chewing gum in the mouth! So what happens when that initial sweetness of love or chewing gum wears off. That is where we are going. And it is good to know because many people don’t seem to know why the keep on hoping from one relationship to another.
The initial high
For those who like only the initial high of love, or addicted to it, the loss of that initial euphoria is akin to the crash that drug addicts feel when their drug of choice wears off. They crave the “high” and begin the search for another fix. Love addicts are no different, which is why they often go from one relationship to the next once the initial high wears off.
Although the idea of being addicted to love or relationships may be new to most people, relationship experts have been aware of the pattern for decades. Experts say, when people develop an addiction to something – whether it’s drugs, alcohol, a medication, smoking, gambling, sex, or love – they have come to rely on it just to function normally, it is difficult for them to get through the day without it.
Love addicts
Love addicts are scared of intimacy and the vulnerability that goes with it. Instead, they are seeking the “feeling” – the intoxicating high or infatuation that accompanies a new relationship.
Experts say love addicts are driven by low self-esteem, a fear of abandonment, and deep, unmet emotional needs. They look to each new love object to give them a sense of security, belonging, identity, validation, worthiness, and purpose. They believe the new love object can take away all their pain, make them feel whole and happy, and love them unconditionally.
When the love object pulls away or threatens to pull away, disapproves of, or disagrees with the love addict, the love addict experiences strong negative feelings.
The love addict may become manipulative, abusive, overly agreeable – whatever it takes – in a desperate attempt to regain approval or keep the relationship together. Sadly, these very behaviors often end up destroying the relationship – causing the loss and rejection that the love addict fears.
A journalist’s experience
Broadcaster and journalist Clare Catford has written a book about her love addiction. “I now realise that I’ve been addictive from a very early age. I had all the ‘normal’ obsessions with pop stars, then I developed huge crushes on boys and obsessed about them constantly. When I had a boyfriend, the relationship dominated my life. I would spend hours trying on 10 different outfits, and I wouldn’t eat for several days so that I would be ‘thin enough’.
“I married young because I believed love would take the pain away. I thought he was the solution to all my problems, the person who would rescue me from myself.
‘I would check the computer 20 times a day. I craved emails the same way that a drug addict craves heroin’
“After my divorce, I had to be in relationships. I needed them as if they were oxygen. I met one boyfriend in a pub, and became dependent on him.
The cycle of self-destruction continued for eight years.
“Then I met a man via email. The relationship became intense, fun and erotic. He told me about the lack of sex in his marriage, and I told him about the chaos of my own relationships. The idea of having sex with him didn’t interest me as much as the fantasy of the relationship. Knowing that he was attracted to me and needed me made me feel powerful and good about myself.
“I was on a high. But like all addictive highs, it didn’t last.”