Brothers and Sisters in Crisis, something is spinning in my encephalon. “Encephalon” is a word I borrowed from the Igodimogodo himself, Osahon (Patrick) Obahiagbon, ex-Senator of the Federal Republic of Wordsmiths, sorry, Nigeria!
It is a word that I am not likely to return to him soon no matter how much “big” grammar he speaks in an attempt to retrieve it from me. In fact, if you know where I hid it in my brain, you will know that it will take more mobile policemen than the number that arrested Senator Dino Melaye, before he reportedly “escaped” (but was later re-arrested), to get it out of me and return it to Igodomigodo. Which goes to confirm my people’s saying that it is not giving water in a cup to monkey that is the problem; it is retrieving the cup from him after he has finished drinking.
Who was it that said, in one of the Shakespearian plays that “you have taught me words and I have learnt to curse with it?” So also it is with me. Grammarian Patrick Obahiagbon has taught me words, and, don’t be surprised if, in the course of my usage of them, I cause some laughter for over-traumatized Nigerians.
The Senator whom I felt the National Assembly then should have appointed Chairman, Senate Committee, Big Grammar Appropriation and Reprobation, as part of his oversight functions, incidentally, used that expression “encephalon” while commenting on an article that Prof. Olantunji Dare, of “At Home Abroad”, (The Nation newspaper), wrote, sometime in October, last year, lamenting the deplorable state of affairs in our National Assembly. That was before Frederick Odorige, our patriot in Hungary, sent out that damning video, condemning the alleged larceny going on in the place in the name of salary earnings.
“Let me seek your imprimatur (permission?) to asseverate ab ovo, (what’s that?) how anatomically mollycodelled I always feel whenever you have found the time out of your perspicacious, percipient and intellectually hieratic ensconcement to find out what could be spinning in my encephalon, on our nation state, in your hebdomadal cerebral lucubrations,” Obahiagbon observed at the beginning of his reaction.
“Am in caboodle concordance with your good self… and others who have didactically lampooned, serially lacerated and pooh-poohed the Sodom and Gomorrah that the National Assembly has become.” I hope those of you who read my “Laughter Line” article every week, in this paper, are “in caboodle concordance” with me (even though I am not sure my lachrymal (?) submissions amount and will ever amount to what Igodomigodo described as “hebdomadal cerebral lucubrations).”
If you are not, then you are probably “anatomically mollycodelled.” Just the same way I was, the other day, to read of how one honourable (?) senator, first sat on the bare floor, and later jumped out of a police vehicle, in a bid to escape arrest, some say assassination. In fact, I was not only “anatomically mollycodelled,” I was also “maniacally bewildered” (another of Obahiagbon’s usage).
Hebdomadal cerebral lucubration! Has that expression anything to do with the use of herbs to lubricate the brain so that it can think out of the box? Ah, then some people need it, starting from the Executive, to the Legislature and to the Judiciary. Please, tell me where I can get this kind of herb so that I can offer it to some of our ministers who are sitting like Cetron, or standing like Standard Bank and looking like Lucozade while the work they are supposed to be doing for the general good of Nigerians languishes.
Hebdomadal cerebral lucubration! I even think the President himself needs it to remove the word “clueless” some evil-minded, bad belle politicians and scatterbrains (?) often throw at him. Hebdomadal cerebral lucubration! Surely, some judges can do with a lot of the stuff and I am sure, the authorities concerned are going to buy some bottles for them very soon. Hebdomadal cerebral lucubration! Of course, many sinators (I came across this word for the first time when used by my colleague and friend, Sanya Oni, of The Nation’s Editorial Board), in the upper chamber of the National Assembly need the herb.
“For me really, what is even more of the moment and deservable of mental pabulum more than humongous lucre has to do with what I stigmatise as the picanniny legislative chicaneries, parliamentary makossa gymkhana and pachucoism preponderantly striding the National Assembly on matters pro bono publico that I find myself most times asking the question cui bono the National Assembly?,” Obahiagbon further observed.
My people, I swear with the National Assembly Mace (Mess?), I only know about Piccadilly Hotel belonging to Dr. Larry Izamoje of Brilla FM. But pray, which one is “picanniny legislative chicaneries”? And, to make things worse, he even dragged my name, “Chika” into it and, added insult to the injury by turning it into plural: “Chikaneries (?)”
No, I will not agree with this one. You just watch out. Very soon, I am going to sue the hell out of the Igodomigodo, for “blast-phemy,” the “big”, “big” grammar he knows how to dish out generously, notwithstanding. Just imagine. What concerns me with “legislative chicaneries” “parliamentary makossa gymkhana” (is this a kind of music sport or sporty music from Khana Local Government Area in Rivers State, with its administrative seat at Bori? By the way, what is makossa music doing inside the gym?) and “pachucoism”? (you see, I have always warned these politicians lying on green pastures to be careful of how they lie to us, non-pachucoistic Nigerians.)
Oga Patrick then added: “I have always pertinaciously (sic) held the view that Nigeria’s democracy cannot be more elevated, dignified, ennobled and salubriously disposed more than its representatives and it’s up to the high priests, oligarchs and hierarchs of our respective political parties to put in place a party nomination configuration that will manacle all political gladiators, carpetbaggers (politicians who beg for bags to put the red carpets pulled from under their feet?) philistines (Goliath people?) and vacuous narcissistic epicureans (vacate some NASSistic APCrians?) who have no business in the sacred precincts of parliament either at the state or national level.”