“The man neglected his spouse, which he acknowledged, but that is not the passport for the infidelity committed by the wife.”
Njideka Nwapa-Ibuaka
Hi NjiGirl,
“I have been an admirer of your column, Couples Clinic. However, I do have some reservations regarding the advice in a past edition, which concerned a man that was said to have neglected his spouse. I found the advice to be too feministic.
“Yes, the man neglected his spouse, which he acknowledged but that is not the passport for the infidelity committed by the wife. You concentrated on his negligence without bringing to the forefront the evil side of infidelity by his spouse. I do not think that sleeping out is the way to tackle spousal neglect.
“You did not bother to find out if the couple had been having issues about the man’s frequent travels and if there had been avenues explored to address it to no avail before the woman went out to find pleasure in another man’s bosom while still remaining married.
READ ALSO: Signs your man is not ready for MARRIAGE
“You heaped so much blame on his absence and I believe if he stayed much without going out to struggle to put food on the table for his family you will not hesitate to come up with a bible quotation that says a man who cannot take care of his family is worse than an infidel. Even the woman in question will still go out ascribing her infidelity to inability of her man to provide for his family.
“My submission is that couples should explore ways of tackling negligence and make sacrifices for the marriage to remain. As far as I am concerned, the woman in question is promiscuous. Not sleeping with her man for three months is not enough for her to start sleeping out. And to add insult to injury, she did so with a man known to her spouse.
“Inasmuch as I do not encourage negligence in marriage, the man should do away with the woman and stop the unnecessary self-pity.
■ R. A. Ehby, Newsite, Satellite Town, Lagos
Dear Ehby,
I want to thank you for your submission. I also want you to know that I do not deliberately set out to interject my “feministic” views as you termed it. You see it takes two to flourish in a relationship. When one partner distances himself or herself in the relationship in the guise of “working hard” something must suffer. What suffers is the emotional attachment which some may call “love.” Women generally are more inclined to be faithful in their relationships by nature because they are emotional beings. Men on the other hand are able to separate the emotional from the physical. In other words, men can separate sex from love. A man can sleep with five different women with no strings attached. The act becomes a way to fill a need. Period! Women relate sex to love and warmth and all the shenanigans, which is why they hurt very easily.
READ ALSO: Feminism: Time to burn bras or the brats?
In that piece you referred to, the husband abandoned his wife physically and emotionally causing the woman to seek solace in another man’s shoulders. Mind you, she did not immediately leave her husband. Over time she found what she was seeking elsewhere and the resentment grew from within for her husband whom she felt betrayed her. Is it possible that they could have sought forgiveness of each other and started over? Yes, they could have. But the husband quickly threw the towel and moved on. The real question is: what was he really escaping from that drove him to be immersed totally in his work that he forgot how to share, how to love, how to open up? What demons was he really facing? Why was he so empty? I bet you he was hurting very deeply.
READ ALSO: Dislodged and abandoned
Well, you and I can only guess because our information is one-sided. I wish she would read this one-day and share her story.
Thanks for the opportunity to provide more insight into this story. Perhaps you and I have opened somebody’s eyes to the greater horizon.
Best,
■ Dr. NJ