“My dad walked out on us when I was 10 years old. Initially, mum didn’t understand what he did so she went round searching for him, moving from police stations to mortuaries looking for my dad. She went to his place of work and she was told my dad resigned a month earlier.
She asked his friends and family members but no one had a clue to his whereabouts. I watched helplessly how the event tore mum’s life apart. My mum was a very outgoing and fashionable woman but when this happened she became a recluse. As a child it was incredibly painful seeing my mum that way. Eventually, when she realized that her husband had abandoned her for another woman, she picked herself up again and faced her career. All she cared about afterwards was my brother and me. She became our mum and dad and did a great job with us. I am a medical doctor while my younger brother is an architect.
When I was about getting married, my fiancée’s family requested for the traditional bridal list for the wedding and my mum insisted she must reach out to dad’s people. I really didn’t have a problem with my dad’s family but I just didn’t want anything that would make me have a tie with my dad again. After much deliberation, I agreed and mum reached out to my aunty. However, a few days later, my dad called. He wanted to walk me down the aisle. I was silent for a while and I had torrents of thoughts running through my mind. I didn’t understand the connecting factor. I wasn’t his child anymore. How could he have forgotten so suddenly how much pain he inflicted on us? Even if he had a problem with my mum what about us; does that mean he didn’t care about us? His behaviour affected me deeply because I blamed myself that it must have been my fault. I felt I was worthless because if my father would leave me then who would pay attention to me? A few minutes later I answered him and threatened that if I saw him at the wedding I would get the police to arrest him. My mum thought that was extreme but that was exactly what I would do”.
This story I shared happened to a close friend of mine some years ago and till today she has refused to speak a word to her father. Her father didn’t show up at the wedding and she didn’t miss him. Even though many of her relatives felt she needed his blessing, she insisted her blessings would do her no good. However, without her father’s blessings, she is thriving in her career; she has three children none of whom her father has never set his eyes on. As far as she is concerned, he died that day he walked away from her and so he doesn’t exist. According to her now, even if he dies and she is told, she won’t attend his burial because she had already buried him many years ago and so there was no point exhuming his body for a reburial.
Do you think this person is mean? Well, I don’t think so. I am of the opinion that a neglectful dad has no business showing up when his kids become successful adults. After all, he pretended they didn’t exist so why would he come crawling back and want to reclaim the love he never gave. What exactly does he want? Is he now suffering from amnesia? Has he forgotten how miserable he made his little daughter and son feel when he left? So what exactly does he want? These successful children are not worth knowing and they don’t care what has become of him.
Honestly, I really don’t get why a runaway day would throw shame to the wind and hurriedly come back to reclaim what he deliberately threw away. It is annoying that when these children grow up these runaway dads suddenly realize that they are their fathers. Just because children are successful they want to be identified with them. They have forgetten that they weren’t there when these kids were needy children or moody teenagers. They have forgotten that they never paid school feels or sent them feeding allowances. They have forgotten how these children fed on crumbs, wallowed in abject poverty while they were wrapped in sheets of other women. They have forgotten how they chose lust over parental care. I don’t pity such men! No matter how bad their children treat them, they deserve worse treatments. These men are unworthy of diadem of fatherhood.
Nigerians are quick to talk about forgiveness; they want to dictate what you should do at every given time. Even though they have not walked your mile, they think they know how you feel. They think these men deserve a second chance. But who are you to tell a child how to react to years of pains? Do you know what it feels like to be abandoned by a father? Do you know about the many jeers and shame that child suffered? So if you don’t, you have no business preaching forgiveness, let that child take any decision he or she deems appropriate. Let the child deal with his deadbeat dad the best way he feels like. If he doesn’t want to speak the selfish cad who spreads his seed and leaves generation in wreckage, let that child be!
When I hear such stories like this, my heart bleeds because there are fathers who walked out of their marriages but they still found time for their kids. Although these dads are no longer with the mother of their kids, they are still great dads. These kids don’t have to ask their mothers if their dads still love them because they know they do. If your marriage is not working that doesn’t mean you should make your children your enemies. Leave your kids out of the squabbles you are having with your ex, love your children and be there for them while they are growing up. Irrespective of what is happening to you emotionally, try as much possible to take your kids out of it because if you don’t, it is going to come and haunt you tomorrow and then it will be late for you to make amends. And mothers don’t poison your kids against their dad when they find out the truth themselves, it usually destroys all what you have built with them.
Lastly, when a an adult who grew up without a father decides to make some drastic decisions concerning his prodigal father, please respect that decision because you didn’t grow up without a father figure and so you don’t know how traumatizing it is.
Re: Male infertility soars but women remain suspects for childlessness
one of the major contributors to the problem is laptop. I have been having problems telling my boys to stop placing the laptop on their laps. The radiation from the laptop is enormous. –Ugochukwu Nnadi.
Unfortunately, some of these men will know they are the cause of the ridicule their wives are going through in the hands of their family members but won’t say anything. —Ijeoma.
This is an eye-opener. –Ruth Ty.
Sadly, these men with patriarchal callings and wingless egos will not hear. Thanks for this my dear. –Tessy
Bolatito, your grouse against men accusing only women of infertility is not misplaced. African men could also be spared because their marital background is traditionally polygamous; especially the illiterate class, who witnessed several cases of infertile women over ages and the myth passed from one generation to another. How many of such men know or believe in “men infertility”; as long as their “third-legs” perform well during sexual sessions? However, your piece has workable formulae women should apply whenever this problem arises between them and their husbands to fish out who actually is culpable of infertility between them. There is no argument about possibility of some infertile men and women hiding away their plight from their spouses to avoid societal humiliation. With more getting educated, the one sided blame would fizzle out. –Lai Ashadele.
Our dear Bolatito, thank you for your article on male infertility on Sunday 3/11/2018.May God bless and reward you for telling our men the truth. They are the cause of childlessness yet women continue to run from pillar to post. Please drum it into the ears of couples to seek medical care. —08141715…262
Good afternoon. Where did u get your statistics for men and women infertility from to write as you did? Name causes of infertility for both & see for whom it is more —081030..49
You are absolutely correct in your analysis Bola and I do hope the men, their relatives, friends and neighbours concerned will take a cue from this. Thank you –Dr. Uche.