There is tension everywhere. Those who are not angry at the location of a certain bullion van are cursing those who burnt their votes. Those who voted in peace are wondering how military-kind-of-arms surfaced on the streets on Election Day. I felt it would not be savoury or nice to burden you with any violent conversation with your country today. So, enjoy this excerpt from my Girls Day Out. G-DO.
‘I was finally dozing off when I felt Zack’s fingers running down my back. I moved closer to the wall, taking most of the duvet with me. Trust him, he didn’t take the hint. He simply pulled me close and started searching for those buttons that disarm me normally. He worked them as much as he wanted but he didn’t get the usual response. Why? Because I was fuming inside.
Although I must confess it took every ounce of all the willpower in me not to moan and just give in to the waves running down my spine. Somehow, Zack didn’t relent until he unveiled the main event and I still refused to dance to his beat. He had his way and I made my point and he didn’t find it funny. When he was done, he returned to his side of the bed. You could almost touch his anger and frustration but what the heck, he can’t always have his cake and eat it.’
‘Kenny, so what rule did Zack break that earned him the one-wing flight?’ Lillian asked. I must have been frowning so badly that Kenny decided to take me on instead of answering Lillian’s question.
‘Funke, don’t even look at me like that. Do you know what he did? Do you?’
‘I don’t but if a man paid in full for an oil rig, nothing should stop his exploration activities…’I responded .
Bola was on my side too: ‘We were all there when Zack prostrated with his uncles and he bought everything on that your long engagement list, abi?’
Kenny was very furious now. ‘Maybe it’s time he got a refund. Maybe this is not working..’
‘Eh eh eh, calm down Kenny. You know nobody knows how to operate your buttons like Zack…’
‘Which is why you gave him two sets of twins in six years. The guy is too much.’ We were all laughing now.
‘Fine, so you girls should encourage me to try another man and see if my buttons won’t work somewhere else.’
‘Buttons wey don rust?’ That earned me two throw pillows in the face.
Anyway, we eventually calmed Kenny down. Not that Zack’s rig was at risk of a hostile take-over but Kenny was very upset and it was our duty at our Girls Day Out (G-DO) to truly unwind and compare notes in ways that help our individual relationships.
The problem was Zack had said some very unsavoury things earlier in the evening to Kenny and the poor girl had had a good cry in the shower where their last child, a very perceptive 10-year-old, would not hear her. She blamed her blood-shot eyes on the new antiseptic soap. It was one of those days in Lagos accompanied by a demonic, frustrating traffic jam, the type that had you hissing every 10 minutes. All through the four-hour drive, Kenny was working on her
laptop, doing a report of a project which she must get ready for the Board before the week ran out. So, she got home late and her darling husband had to help his daughter with her home work, cook her noodles and had to go buy diesel because Kenny forgot to make all the arrangements in the morning. She had planned to get home early.
So Zack flared up, obviously from a ‘conglomerate’ of frustrations of many late-comings by Kenny. He went like this: ‘What kind of job is it that keeps you away from being a proper mother and wife? We hardly see you? When last did you cook for me? If you don’t do something about this nonsense, you will have to choose between that job and this marriage.’
Aaaah! That was killing a mosquito with a sledgehammer. Ultimatums are bad and somebody should have told Zack that ultimatums are a major killer of the female libido.
‘So do you still blame me? Even you, Funke…?’
Cheeky girl. Why was she mentioning me in particular now? I’m no longer a member of the Wives Club but I understand why she was focussing her ‘aggro’ on me. I am of the school of thought that a man who wants real action at night must be nice and kind during the day.
If a man is mean during the day, then he must do a one-wing flight at night. Don’t deny him altogether but let him see the difference between a full flight at 33,000 feet above sea level and a noisy harsh one-wing one.
That a woman is now your wife does not mean you can treat her like trash or take her for granted. You cannot call her names during the day or insult her parents at the dinner table and expect to get her to do all you want two hours later in bed.
Men, they like their women to function at full-installed capacity in bed. They like the moans and really hip ring tones. Throw in a few colourful lines and they rev up the speed. Oh yes, and real women know when to make the right noises. It is all legit and holy too, to do all that, in marriage. Every good wife knows how to claim her rights and even ‘obtain’ her husband when he is in cloud nine.
On the other side of the Cloud Nine street, however, is the cold fish and log of wood acts, where women just do their duties and let the man roll off into slumber. Now, men don’t generally like those two acts.
But do they know why their women move from hot, to warm and then to
cold? Bros, you need to pay attention. You need to watch your caustic tongue and hurtful attitude. A woman is not wired to turn the bedroom heat on and off anyhow any time. Only men are made like that. The honey place of a woman is hidden deep in her and connected to her heart and head. If either of those places are hurting, she will not vibrate, least of all ring out. She will be on permanent silent mode.
Women are not like men. We are very emotional beings, which is a good thing and the reason why we do well at whatever we focus on. Our feelings run very deep and we are not wired to turn it off and on like men are able to. I have always said it must have to do with the location of a woman’s intimate palace. It’s not on the surface. It’s deep in her being. Not easily accessible. But a man’s staff of office is situated outside his body. It’s like an independent service provider. It can rise to the occasion even when the man is ill and hospitalised. A man’s third leg has a mind of its own and has the ability to recover quickly from insults, harassments and so on.
Not a woman. She takes the insult to heart. She may act normal but her hurt runs deep. If you as much as insinuate that your wife is having an affair, she may never forget it and it certainly will affect your sex life. If your mum comes and makes her life hell all day, you can’t expect maximum response when you start running your fingers through her hair later. If you let your siblings run roughshod over her without cautioning them, you can’t expect her to wrap her arms and legs around you later.
Fine, nobody is asking you guys for red roses and purple prose but if you want to fly with both wings, your wife’s feelings must be kept warm and cozy. If she’s unhappy, other activities will be unhappy – if you get my drift. You guys know how you pamper and spoil your girlfriends rotten and that’s why you get the total works, ain’t it? Can you extend the same graces to the wives?
She lies there like a log of wood. She is cold in bed. We have heard all that before but now that I’ve let you into this secret, we can cancel the accusations and keep places that should be warm warm and nice. If you want those buttons to work, you need to keep them oiled.
A long flight always costs, you know, and to get ‘there’, you need two wings.
I hope you are calmer now, less focus on politics and ready to deliver real dividends of conjugal democracy.