dear Njigirl,
by March 26, I will be 21 year old and marriage is just so far from my mind. I have big plans about my future. I want to have companies, industries and want to make it big in the production sector.
But I don’t know why I have this belief that when I get married I might not be able to achieve all these things or rather achieve less. Is this normal?
ν Frances
Dear Frances,
Many years ago, young marriages used to be the norm. In fact in some religions and cultures, early marriage is still very much prevalent to the chagrin of groups and organizations like the United Nations. Many groups and organizations frown at these early marriages calling them child abuse, barbaric behavior and even as far as calling them criminal. Of course at 21 this is not the case. You are not afraid of “early marriage” in that sense but you are afraid about how it may impact your dreams at 21 years of age.
If we agree that at 21, you are already an adult in many cultures then you are not too young to be married.
Marriage is a commitment that must be taken very seriously. It actually means that you both love and support each other. Procreation is a major expectation of marriage and in some African cultures you are expected to begin having children immediately. Therefore, when you place your career first, relatives may frown and wonder if there is anything wrong. Marriage is not always a bed of roses and there are several compromises and sacrifices to be made. So one may ask, are you ready for those sacrifices?
You see, marriage is really between your spouse and you. If he is supportive then he will not deprive you of what you need to achieve. In other words, you can accomplish your life goals even if you get married at 21 and decide to have your children first. The sacrifice will come about by you deciding to have your two or more children by the time you are 26. This means that four years into your marriage, you have had all your children. The next question then is deciding if you want to give another two-t-four years for them to get up to school age. If you do so, you will still find that you are still young (less than 32 years) when you finally launch your dreams.
All these can be achieved with a supportive husband and family. If your husband stands by you, you will soon discover that you can be both happy and productive. A strong partnership can only be tested with time. So, can he help watch the children while you stay late in the office sometimes? Or while you travel for business? Many career-oriented women still find ways to give the infant child breast milk by expressing the milk and storing them for feeding at a later time. This really means that the baby is not deprived of nutritious feeding. You can only achieve this if you have the support of both your spouse and your family members.
Another major factor that you might have to consider is how your in-laws might react to your career choice while having children. In many cultures, in-laws might interfere with decisions in the household and unless your spouse is strong and able to put his foot down, his mother might run you over and stop you from achieving your dreams.
Ok, assuming all things are equal and you have the support of your husband, you have your own mother to help raise the children and your mother-in-law is loving and respectful and not overbearing in anyway, then marriage at 21 will not interfere with your career aspirations. If you wish to be married now, rest assured that you can still accomplish all that you wish to accomplish provided you understand that you might have to make some sacrifices and compromise in certain ways.
Good luck Frances.
ν Dr. NJ