Chika Abanobi

Ebribodi (Everybody?) run fi cover (apology to Ras Kimono). And, if you don’t mind, I wish “Happy Recover” (apology to Afrojuju maestro, Shina Peters) to those of you who may decide to run from (?) the Presidency in a few weeks time from now. Happy New Yam to all of you. If you don’t know what to say, say “Shee Emu” to me. Abi, beeko? (not so?, in Yoruba).

I say the Great Tribulation (Tinubulation?) which many Christian teachers and prophets and pastors have been warning us about, is here already. Ati ku! (we are all dead!). And, if you don’t believe me, think about this week’s political tirades by Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu, the All Progressives Congress (APC) National Leader and now Co-Chairman, Buhari Campaign Council against People’s Democratic Party (PDP) candidate in the February 16 presidential election, Alhaji Atiku Abubakar.

In a public statement accepting his appointment, and titled “We accept President Buhari’s assignment,” Tinubu came down hard on Atiku in a way he has never done before.

“The character of the two candidates cannot be more distinct,” he wrote. “President Buhari is a straight and honest man. Leave a naira on the table with Buhari in the room. You will find the naira on the table when you return.

“When Buhari says ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ you know where he stands. He means what he says, no more, no less. With Atiku, things are more nuanced. When Atiku speaks, he may mean ‘yes,’ ‘no,’ ‘maybe,’ ‘I don’t know,’ ‘come back tomorrow,’ ‘all the above,’ or ‘none of the above.’

“His compass has four needles pointing in different directions at the same time. He knows of no direction to take. President Buhari’s word is his bond. When Atiku speaks, it is to give you the slip.

“We cannot afford a President whose ways and mind is a maze of contradicting urges and colliding desires. This shows he has no vision for the nation and no guiding principles, except the naked pursuit of power for the naked use of that power.”

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You call your own Great Tribulation, I call these remarks Great Tinubulation. I have not verified the truths of Tinubu’s claims though. For instance, I have not left any naira on the table for Buhari. Ask him. Neither do I intend to leave any, either before the presidential election and after it. Do you know why? Though he may not chop, he will lock it up in the Treasury Single Account. So, for that singular reason, I don’t intend to leave any naira on the table or under it for him.

I want to see my naira where I kept it when I come back. Let nobody try to persuade me to leave my naira for Buhari. I won’t. After all, I didn’t steal it from the public treasury as some I don’t want to mention their names here did. So, why should I leave it for him to go and lock up with stolen ones? I wont!

Secondly, I have not tested him as to whether his yes means yes and his no means no. I doubt whether he has ever spoken to me since he ascended the throne, about four years ago. I swear. If I lie, may the electronic voting machine not work with my fingerprint when I want to vote during this year’s presidential election. May the TraderMoni that I exchanged with my voter’s card not be returned to its source after voting! Amen?

As I was saying, Uncle Buhari has not said either yes or no to me, since he came into power, so I have no way of verifying Tinubu’s claim. And, neither has Atiku! So? I have no way of knowing whether his yes means “no’, ‘maybe’, ‘I don’t know’, ‘come back tomorrow,’ etc.

But Tinubu’s reference to Atiku’s compass’s four needles pointing in different directions, reminds me of a story that I heard some years ago. An innocent child had overheard his parents gossiping about an acquaintance, who they said is two or “double-faced.” The following day the child saw the fellow his parents was talking about passing by and quickly ran to meet him. While the fellow was busy warmly greeting him and asking after his welfare and that of his parents, the child was busy running the ring around him.

“My parents say you are double-faced,” he eventually said after the conclusion of his finding. “But na only one face I dey see so. Where is the other face?” As to what happened after that, your guess is as good as mine. But this is one of the reasons why I am not too comfortable with Innocent Idibia’s decision to answer 2 Face. As for the other reasons, I won’t tell you.

When they told me that Kola Ologbondiyan (yam)? (someone with the wisdom of pounded yam?), the Director of Media and Publicity for Peoples Democratic Party Presidential Campaign Organization PDP-PPCO, issued a statement last Tuesday night warning Tinubu to stop using gutter language, I vexed. Which language is he expected to use then? Latrine language? Gully erosion language? Maluu (cow) language? Goitre language? Atikulated language?

If you people dare me, I will just submit a bill to the National Assembly asking the members to substitute tintinnabulation and tribulation with Tinubulation. After all, what is the difference between the three words? I see not any! You are asking Tinubu to stop using gutter language? Lagos is full of gutters running nowhere. So, why should it surprise you to hear him use gutter language? Somebody asked me the other day: “Who born monkey?” “Na im Mama”, I answered. Abi, I no get the answer correct?