– The Sun News
INDEPENDENTLY RAISING CHILDREN

Women should have children they can raise alone

I think every woman should have only the number of children she can independently raise herself. That should be a plan B in case things go wrong.

Bolatito Olaitan

“MY Journey to hell began when I met Dan about twelve years ago. I met him at a party organized by my cousin and he was a real charmer. He was unlike the guys I had dated; he was a rebel of sort. He attended parties, liked to dance as much as he loved to drink. Initially, I didn’t see all these as a problem because I just felt he was just a guy who loved life. Then, one day, we were at a party and I saw him kissing his ex-girl friend. I was angry and told him about it. All I wanted from him was an explanation but what I got was a thunderous slap. That night, I took a taxi home. The next day, he was full of remorse and promised not to drink again. I forgave him only to realise a few months later that I had got pregnant. He was ecstatic that he was going to be a father and so we got married. A few months later, he came home drunk and after arguing he punched me in the stomach. I ended up in the hospital, but the baby was fine. Even then, the punches never stopped. Now we have 3 children and I have no job. I have been trying to get out of this abusive marriage because many times he had threatened to kill me and bury me in a golden casket. I am in a dilemma as to what to do because I can’t care for them all by myself.”

–– Adenike.

There are over a million and one women like Adenike in bad marriages who have refused to leave because of their children. My question is: why would you rather die in a bad marriage when you and your spouse are always at each other’s throat modeling bad behaviours in front of the innocent children. Constant quarrelling between parents is unnerving to children. Well, I will not be dwelling on that aspect today.

READ ALSO: Differences between healthy and toxic marriages

Instead, I would rather have a heart to heart talk with women about their finances and the number of children they should have. From my point of view, I think every woman should have only the number of children she can independently raise herself. Yes. That should be a plan B in case things go wrong. Of course, I understand what being in love is, the feeling is just incomprehensible. When he never leaves your mind, he’s always there and the butterflies are fluttering freely around. I know that strange feeling that stretches throughout your whole body. It is overwhelming, it makes you feel complete. I understand how you feel; he is the only stable force in a world filled with chaos. I am very familiar with all these and I am also saying that even when you are feeling all on top of the world, you should also try and think clearly, most especially during courtship when you are both talking about the number of children you will have. Sort it out with your brain and not your heart. If he wants five children, insist on two, if you know that what you earn independently can easily train two kids. Stop looking at his money, think about what you have in your account. What really baffles me is that some women know how bad their marriages are and they still go ahead to have more children. Do you think having more children will make an irresponsible man responsible?

READ ALSO: What if your husband wants a DNA test for his children?

How can you have five children for a man who beats you? Does the beating turn you on and make sex steamier? I really don’t get it. The other time a woman tried to poison her own child because she was molested and impregnated by her husband. She chose her marriage over a child she should protect. What happens to Nigeria women when they get married? Is it that they lose their sense of reasoning? What will make a woman watch her monster husband molest her under aged maid? The same penis that he used in violating a minor during the day will be the same one he uses at night to thrust his wife to orgasm? This is repulsive. And it is even more saddening that a woman would watch her husband touch her daughter inappropriately without doing anything and she will still allow him to come to her using those same hands to smooch her. Those same hands he used in covering her mouth that he almost got your little niece choked because he wanted to forcefully have his way? I am amazed that someone will still go ahead to kiss those smelly mouths of pedophiles who hurl out inappropriate words at minors. The same mouth he used to threaten that child is also what he uses to kiss you. Oh, someone should please get me a bucket, I want to puke! How do you people do this? What planet do these women come from?

In as much as I blame these women, I also blame our society. Our society has done more harm than good to the girl child. Our girls are not brought up with a sense of individuality. They are all programmed for marriage and childbearing immediately they are born. I still remember my mum telling me to come and stay with her in the kitchen so that I can learn to cook for my husband. Well, I have I changed the narrative now. I ask my daughter to come stay with me in the kitchen so that she can learn how to cook for herself. And when my son is of age, I will tell him to watch me cook too so he can cook for himself, after all, anyone who gets hungry should learn how to cook. Another lie we have been told is that women are like flowers that after some time they will wither away. That is some sexism classic!

READ ALSO: Should women make marriage proposals?

It is an old long lie they have been passing on from one generation to the other. It is no longer relevant in my own generation. Why? It’s hogwash! And that is why men take this to their advantage believing that they are doing us a favour by marrying us because we have been raised to believe that we become worthless when we age.

Women are not flowers that bloom and rot! Women are humans and they don’t lose value when they age. Or haven’t you seen older women these days? They get better with age. I wonder why patriarchy intends to humiliate a chunk of humanity by reducing them to ridiculous features.

So, dear Nigerian women, I think it is high time you took control of your bodies. Make up your minds about the number of children you want and don’t let anyone manipulate you, especially if you have an irresponsible husband. If you are married to a good man, you are exempted. But you need to both agree on this. Even if he is a good man, there is no point having too many children. Let no one manipulate or coerce you to have babies you can’t care for. Having babies every year won’t tie him down. Having more children won’t change him.

If you are in a bad marriage and you don’t have a job, go get a job and start saving up to avoid future crisis. Stop allowing low lives to toss you around; don’t let them violate you because you are financially handicapped. Be financially independent so that you will be able to freely make sensible choices in a bad marriage and protect your children as you should.

Re: Women get bored with their marriages too

GOD bless you madam – Princess Abimbola.

Dear Bola, in women get bored with their marriages too. You talked about many issues a man have to attend to so that the wife will not feel bored with her marriage. Fine. But the important thing is for one to go into marriage with sincerity. No one is perfect. Couples need to go beyond marriage for them to be successful in marriage. They need to see and take themselves as best of friends. It is only in likeness, friendship, and love that marriage can near perfection. If these exist between couples, you will hardly hear the word bored

– Weekend Motors Adamawa state.

I love this babe. Women need excitement too. We can’t live boring lives because society wants us to. Nigerian men need to work on their marriages and spice things up.

– Ijeoma Lagos

What is good for the goose is equally good for the gander. Women need excitements too just like men do.

If the man decides to look for excitement from side chicks because the wife apparently added some flesh in the course of the marriage, for instance, he should not forget that pot belly could as well be disgusting.

– Ngozi

I love this. You made a lot of sense!

– Elizabeth

Thanks so much. Routine makes everything boring.

– Oluwafifunmi.

Bola, “women get bored with their marriages too” was a nice one. Your proffered suggestions on the way out of the problem sound nice too,

– Lai Ashadele.

 

 

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Tokunbo David
Tokunbo David

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