Why do men promise women love and happiness and turn around to ghost them? How can such a cowardly behaviour be explained?
Kate Halim
THEIR meeting was magical. Sparks were flying like tiny, lovely stars. Their eyes kept piercing into each other’s hearts and souls. The words came out, faintly at first. But as time went on, the words of love, promise and lust flowed freely.
The feeling was mutual. They shared the same interests. They had similar goals. No topic was off limits to them. They talked about everything that captured their attention. They shared their feelings freely without fear.
Their passion for each other’s body was like a heavy flood that swept them away. Whenever they had sex, it was like they were swimming in the sea of delight and enjoying the swift currents of raging orgasms. Theirs was a great relationship filled with sweet words and pleasurable actions.
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Like other lovers, they exchanged countless messages. The calls poured in everyday. They spent time chatting with each other any chance they get off work. It was a relationship of pure bliss. Their bond was strong. They continued enjoying the beauty of love until two months after when everything came crashing down.
After two months of enjoying sweet romance with her new found love Fred, Rita became confused. The calls started reducing. The messages came in trickles. The declarations of love almost disappeared. In her confusion, Rita confronted Fred but he assured her that everything was okay.
But things became worse. He stopped calling her and when she calls him, he would tell her he’s busy. He would promise to call her back but he never did. With her back against the wall, Rita visited Fred at home to find out if she did anything wrong that made him become cold towards her but he walked her out of his house.
One month went by and things went from bad to worse. He stopped picking her calls, stopped responding to her messages and blocked her on WhatsApp and Facebook. Rita felt like her whole world just came crashing down. She didn’t know what to do. Her relationship gradually went from bliss to agony.
One thing Rita didn’t know was that Fred practiced the almighty ghosting technique on her. Ghosting is when you suddenly disappear from the life of the person you have been dating. You stop responding to phone calls or texts, with no explanation. Although it has always been a risk in the realm of dating, it has become extremely common recently.
Some men take the cowardly way out of relationships by ghosting women instead of telling them face-to-face that they are no longer interested in the relationship. One minute, things are going well, and he tells you he will call tomorrow – the next minute, he disappears, not returning calls and leaving you high and dry.
He could have promised you eternal love and happiness but vanishes the next day. You could have been intimate and he disappears the next morning without explanations, or he could have simply cut off all communication without telling you why.
It could also have been a friend with benefits arrangement when you just have casual sex and things are going great. The sex is lit, the moans are loud and the orgasms are mind-blowing but suddenly, he disappears or stops communicating with you.
And you are left wondering if something happened to him or you did something to offend him. Even when you try to talk to him, he says you both will talk later but he never contacts you. The guy has ghosted you and being ghosted is very painful.
When it comes to dating, the act of disappearing into thin air after leading another person on seems more common among men. So why does it happen? Why do men promise women love and happiness and turn around to ghost them? How can such a cowardly behaviour be explained?
Any man who awakens a woman’s feelings without the intention of treating her with love and respect is a coward. If you can tell a woman sweet things and promise her love, be courageous enough to tell her that your relationship is over. Ghosting a woman who is head-over-heels in love with you is not only cowardly, it is also heartbreaking.
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Some men ghost women because they fear emotional intimacy. This is the fear of actually allowing yourself to care deeply about someone, and accepting that they care deeply about you as well. It is not difficult for those with this type of fear to date for a month or even for years, as the relationship may be stable until something provokes this fear in a way that is intolerable for the potential ghoster. This is not to say that the person who was ghosted is at fault; some events could have triggered this subconscious fear.
Some men ghost women because they feel break-ups are awkward. Breaking up with someone or deciding not to see them again is quite unpleasant. They ask you all kinds of awkward questions, like “Why?” and you go down the familiar route of “It’s not you, it’s me” talk.
To avoid such awkward break up moments, some men decide that it is better, perhaps, to cut women they have been dating off entirely than string them along with clichés. And it hurts – ask a woman who has been ghosted before. She will tell you how stupid she felt about being treated like that.
Another reason some men ghost women is because they worry that these women are too good for them. This is what any quick-thinking man would tell you should you bump into him in the street and ask why he ghosted you. Don’t fall for it. If he feels you are too good for him, why did he start dating you in the first place?
Some men also ghost women because they may have lied about something when they met these women and they don’t want them to know about their fake lives. Some men like to make themselves larger than life. So it’s highly likely that any man doing the ghosting has realized it’s easier to cut off all contact with a woman than try to explain any of his lies.
Any man who ghosts a woman is not ready for commitment and is keeping his options open. Dating is a gamble, you never really know how it’s going to go. By ghosting rather than eliminating all doubt and calling it a day, men tell themselves it will be perfectly fine, months later after it doesn’t work out with another woman.
A man who is a narcissist will ghost women. A narcissist is not very likely to be empathetic about the emotional pain of the person they are dating. Lack of empathy is a hallmark of narcissistic personality and is likely the reason for at least some instances of ghosting. Such men don’t care about hurting the women they have been dating or having sex with. They just think about themselves.
The fear of a violent reaction may also be behind some men ghosting women. Some women don’t take break ups well. They suddenly become violent and if a man is afraid of an aggressive reaction, he will choose suddenly disappearing to sustaining injuries from the woman he once dated. There are times when sudden disappearance is the only safe way out for some men.
If you are thinking about ghosting someone, consider some kinder options. Try to be mindful of the other person’s well-being and consider how you would like to be treated if you were in their place. Men, stop hurting women by ghosting them and expecting them to just move on with their lives.
Maybe she may be capable of hearing your straightforward explanation of why you need to end the relationship. If you can’t find the words to explain your change of heart, try saying something as brief as, “This just isn’t working for me. It’s not your fault. I need to end this relationship.”
READ ALSO: Dead end relationships
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RE: ARE YOU TOO DEPENDENT ON YOUR PARTNER?
KATE, are you trying to say that God didn’t know what he did when he said women should depend on men? This feminism you are preaching is alien to us Africans. Feminism is evil. A woman depending on a man is not wrong. Stop teaching women bad things with your column.
–Ikechukwu, Onitsha
I love reading from you every week. You are focused on your goal – which is for couples to build better relationships. You advocate for mutual love and respect between couples and I admire you for that. It is wrong for a human being to be totally dependent on another person. It gives rise to disappointment and resentment if the person’s efforts are not reciprocated. Well done.
–Babatunde, Akure
Kate, you are God sent to Nigerian women. Keep it up! Don’t pay attention to the hate speech from some unreasonable beings that call themselves men.
–Mary Tochukwu
You have a way with words. You are articulate, sound and intelligent. The only problem I have with you is that you are always one-sided in your writings. You favour women and demonize men. That’s not fair. There are good men around as there are bad women too. You need to balance your writings otherwise you lose your male fans.
–Otunba Adeola Adeyemi
You deal with real issues in your column and that’s commendable. I have been following you for a while and I know that you mean well for both men and women. You should understand that some Nigerian men are not used to fierce, outspoken and fearless women like you. I admire your courage for standing for equality for both sexes in relationships. You have a fan in me. Don’t stop writing.
–Mr. Godwin, Abuja
I don’t know why this evil woman is still being allowed to write her satanic articles every week. The only thing she knows how to do is teach women how to be stubborn and evil like her. No sane man should allow his wife read your inciting articles. You are an agent of the devil working against godly marriages. You don’t believe in God and you are talking about marriage.
–Obinna, Aba