She cries, prays and even begs him to change his ways. He cheats and sometimes even in the open. Some men graduate to going away for weeks or even moving out of their homes, leaving behind their family. Others move in with another woman, they completely forget their family for months or even years.
Then one day, just out of the blues, he shows up at his wife’s door with stories of how he was hypnotized and he didn’t know what he was doing and he just regained the use of his senses and decided to come home and ask for her forgiveness.
Even before he finished apologizing, she has started celebrating and telling whoever cares to listen that her husband who left her for many years like the prodigal son has returned.
She throws him a party. She gives testimony and does thanksgiving in church that a lost sheep has returned. Virtually everyone that hears of this ‘miracle’ celebrates with her. But same cannot be said of our men.
Even though men have been found to have the higher tendency to cheat, they rarely prepare to be cheated on and are less likely to forgive if it happens, and this leads to the end of the marriage.
It is interesting to note that a man who cheats expects to be forgiven, but if she dares it, she may never be forgiven.
An average Nigerian man sees forgiving a cheating wife as a weakness. It doesn’t matter if his behavior pushed her into it or it was just a moment of weakness. To him, no excuse is good enough once she’s caught with another man.
She must go and that is final. No pleas and admonitions from close family members or friends would convince him to do otherwise. To him, the sin she committed is unforgiveable.
He can forgive and overlook any other sin, but not infidelity. This same man may have been forgiven once or twice before when he was caught cheating. It is now her turn and same man is so unforgiving of an offence he was forgiven of possibly more than once.
So, why do men find it difficult to forgive their partners if they are caught cheating? To a man, infidelity questions his sexual prowess, an offence against his manhood, threatens his masculinity, and affects the core of his identity.
Men react negatively to their wives’ infidelity because the sexual component of the affair is very important. Just the image of another man thrusting his woman in her favourite position and she moaning in ecstasy drives him nuts.
But women are more about emotional infidelity which is why they often ask “Do you love her?” The feelings and the emotional connection are more likely to be seen as a threat to a woman.
Men are simply too territorial. The thought of another man sleeping with their woman is not only revolting, but can turn them into suicidal freaks.
It is difficult finding other men or even his immediate family members who will support their decision to stay with a cheating wife. So, forgiving a cheating wife is a sign of weakness. And thou shall never ever be weak especially to a woman.
It is also possible that women are more emotionally intelligent and more forgiving than men. It is easier for them to accept character flaws and blame themselves for the sake of peace when infidelity occurs. They do not let ego override their sense of reasoning or forgiveness. While the Nigerian man is like a-one way traffic in the same situation, his pride and ego won’t let him think beyond sex.
This is the reason most men would readily embarrass their cheating wives in public, including ripping her clothes off, dehumanizing her while other men help in tearing every piece of clothing covering her nakedness for cheating on him.
He’s vindictive and filled with so much rage. He is trying so hard to get himself to the place he will never consider taking her back no matter how much she apologizes.
As human beings during crisis, we revert to our most instinctual and animalistic behaviour. This is when we either fight; blame others to defend our position or we take off, leaving the situation.
If you catch your wife cheating, take a deep breath and look inwards if you share in the blame for her cheating. Your wife’s infidelity may be a symptom or culmination of boredom, a lack of trust, anger, incompatibility or inability to communicate with you.
It could also be a moment of weakness. Grandstanding and insisting she goes makes you a weak man, you are letting pride and ego get in the way of taking responsibility for your inaction.
Men and women who actually discuss what happened and why it happened seem to survive the trying time of infidelity. If she’s remorseful and ready to make amends, then talk about it. Find out how you both can make it work again.
Forgiveness takes a while. Do not avoid her gaze. Show empathy and express your love, and decide to start all over again with her. It will not be easy at first, but give it time. Block the image of the other man whenever it creeps into your head.
She cheated once, forgiving her is one big opportunity she will hardly take for granted because it is rare. Some men and women have taken back cheating spouses and have gone ahead to have a solid, loving and happier life together. Don’t let yours be an exception.