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Who can please men?

I’m taking the battle right back to the doorsteps of men. They’ve  had such a swell time gloating about “Why The World Is Full Of Unmarried Big Girls” I even reliably learnt that some of my male friends in a telecoms company made plenty of copies of the piece and are distributing to girls, big married and unmarried.

Guys, una try o.

Even my male colleagues are prancing and rejoicing that they finally found something in Intimate Affairs that is ‘against’ women. But you can trust me not to take such an ‘assault’ lying down. If men think the big girls are single because they all want to be die lonely, then they must think we don’t know there is a hidden agenda somewhere. We all know it’s the men who are annulling our rights and mandates while In sh’Allah promising to ‘empower’ us. You can’t win against their armoury. It is so difficult to please or understand the way their mind works. But haven’t I warned that there is no point trying to decipher a man’s mind?

If you put a man on a pedestal and try to make him feel appreciated, he’ll say it’s because you want something from him.

If you respect him, run his bath, give him a massage on Friday evening and curtsy when giving him his food, it’s because you saw that he’s just made some money and wants to spend it. As if a girl can’t just be nice and give her man a treat.

If a woman stays at home doing her God-ordained duties as a good wife and mother, she is a lazy, unenterprising NFA (No Future Ambition). Really? The most taxing career is the one any ull-time housewife does. No retirement, no leave and thankless most of the time. These guys can’t even manage wife-for-a-day gig. And nine months with another human being growing inside you? That would kill these guys, mass-murder-like.

If a woman has a career that she works hard at, she is too hard, cold and unfeminine. She can’t be a complete woman. “In fact, I can’t marry a woman like that.” Or haven’t you met guys who think that career women are not wife materials? Ah.

If a man has a low-paying, unchallenging job, his wife must have brought bad luck from her father’s house. “Don’t you see she has two left legs.” Unbelievable, right? But these guys still walk around in this century. It’s criminal that we even let them breathe.

If she gets promoted ahead of him, she must be sleeping with the boss. After all, he graduated before her. It doesn’t matter if he’s not half as intelligent as she is or can’t work without supervision. Is there a portion of the holy books that says all men are more intelligent than women? Some men have to work under women. All puns intended.

Now if he gets a job ahead of her, that’s the way it should be because he’s supposed to be more brilliant, abi? Right. If you compliment his looks and clothes, you are doing it because you want to change your wardrobe too and if you keep quiet, you don’t appreciate him.

If a woman cries when he hurts her, she is blackmailing him.           If she does not, she is arrogant and insensitive.

If a woman slaps a man, it’s an abomination but if he slaps her, she must have pushed him too far and a few slaps are necessary to keep a woman on the straight and the narrow.

If she is proud of her achievements and thanks God for how far He has taken her, she is boastful, trying to lord it over him and reminding him of his inadequacies.

If she advises him regularly, and takes interest in what he does, she is a nag and if she doesn’t, she is carefree, uncaring and unsupportive.

If she is so tired after a hard day’s work, traffic jam and shopping, she is a lazy feminist, irresponsible career woman who can’t cook. It’s absolutely beneath him to make ordinary eba and warm the soup.

But if he has a headache after a busy day, he must see the doctor or check into a health resort to avoid a break down. “I work too hard to provide for everybody.” Ah ah. Try telling him you have a headache when he wants to make love and you must be having an affair.

If your hours are easy and you get home early, you should go and get something challenging. See where all your mates are.

If you take a decision you think will benefit the family and surprise him, you have no regard for him and you are not submissive.

If you demand lovemaking when he’s tired, you are inconsiderate but if he demands it when you are tired, you are pushing him out, into the arms of a girlfriend.

If you dress smartly, you are trying to attract other men.

If you are fat, how can he introduce you to his friends? If you do aerobic and watch your figure, you are vain.

If he buys a car before you, a party must be thrown but if you buy one before him, you are arrogant. If he asks to use the car and you tell him to check the tires at the vulcanizer’s he will throw the keys back at you.

“So because it’s your car, I have now become a driver? The next thing you’ll tell me is to take the car to the car wash.”

Men are in a class all by themselves but we are not fooled. We can sense insecurity from 10 kilometres away and women alwyas know men who are suffering from inferiority complex.

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Editor, Online: Ikenna Emewu