The Sun News

When a marriage fails, blame both parties

In this part of the world, it is the woman’s fault when her marriage fails. The enormous responsibility placed on women to keep their marriages is the reason many women are tolerating bad relationships. They keep enduring bad marriages so that they won’t be judged by society.

Some of these people who judge women when their relationships fail believe that no matter how bad, ill mannered and promiscuous a woman’s husband is, it is still her fault. To them, she should have endured like her grandmothers did and even die for her marriage if the need arises.

It doesn’t matter if the man has turned her into a punching bag, designing her delicate face with different scars and marks. It is her fault. It doesn’t matter if he beats her when she talks or when she’s silent. When she talks, she’s challenging him, and when she’s silent, she’s ignoring him. If he beats her all the time, it’s her fault.

It doesn’t matter if a woman’s husband sleeps with teenage girls on their street and people point at his wife whenever she’s passing by as that woman whose husband has no control, it is her fault. As long as she cannot keep her husband’s organ tied to her private part, the blame is hers.

It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t respect her as a human being not to talk of according her the respect she deserves as his wife. She must have caused it with her actions. It doesn’t even matter if he beats up his mother-in-law and disrespects her family members. He’s her husband and she must not complain. She must worship him like a tin god.

It doesn’t even matter if the man wakes up one day and relocates to another city or country with another woman abandoning her and their children. It’s her fault. She didn’t cook enough food for him or give him sex seven times a day to have made him elope with another woman.

It doesn’t matter if the man is irresponsible to the point of not taking care of his family. It is the woman’s fault. She didn’t pray for him enough to be responsible. In fact, she didn’t add dry fasting and vigils to her many tearful prayers for him. She should have gone to the mountain too to prevent her marriage from packing up.

It doesn’t even matter if the man abuses all the under-aged house helps she has brought into their home, including their neighbour’s children that she has become a laughing stock. The woman is to blame for tempting her baby husband who doesn’t know anything with small girls with pointed and perky breasts.

It doesn’t also matter to the ‘God hates divorce’ preachers if the woman’s self esteem has been battered and destroyed by her husband with his negative words, abuses and actions. It is her fault for wanting love and respect from her husband.

One of the lies society sold to women many years ago was that the success or failure of their marriages or relationships was their sole duty. These women have been brainwashed by society to take on the sole role of keeping their relationships together. This is why we see many women crumbling under the weight of abusive and terrible marriages. They are being maltreated, yet everywhere they turn to for help, they are told to put in more effort for their marriages not to fail.

They go back home to continue enduring emotional, sexual, physical and verbal abuses. But they also wonder why their marriages are hell on earth. They try their best to understand the men they married and are living with to no avail. They put in sweat and blood to build happy homes but their efforts are being trampled upon.

The funny thing is that society keeps telling them to endure and pray more so that their men would change. This is wrong. It is very wrong. Two people coming together in a relationship have to fulfill their responsibilities to make their relationship work. It is not a woman’s duty alone to keep her marriage. It is not her fault only when her marriage fails too.

Marriage is between two people who are committed to building their lives together. By joining forces, they wade through the difficulties and situations life throws at them and overcome them together. Marriage is not for people who refuse to take responsibilities for their actions.

As a man, if your marriage fails, it is your fault too. What are you doing to keep your wife? When last did you take her out alone? When last did you listen to what she has to say without shutting her down? How do you treat her family members? When last did you truly make love to her instead of just having sex because you want to have another baby?

When last did you really take time to listen to your wife share her innermost feelings with you without using them against her? When last did you take time to find out what she really wants? When last did you ask her what you will get for her on her birthday?

When last did you look into her eyes, hold her hands and appreciate her for being your wife and taking care of your family? When last did you truly ask for her forgiveness for hurting her badly in the past without trivialising the issues she raised? When last did you hug her? When last did you give her a treat?

When last did you pray for her? Yes! When did you look up to heaven and say a heartfelt prayer for your wife? Do you think it’s only women that should pray for their husbands? When last did you fast for her not to fall into the many temptations around us today? Do you think your wife is not being tempted?

It takes two committed people to make any relationship work. Mr. Man, work on your marriage. Your wife can’t be building alone while you are tearing it down. Stop justifying your bad behaviour with ‘a wise woman builds her home with her hand’s.’ Men, do your own part. You have to play your own part in making your marriage work.

Don’t lose your wife to a better man. It will be your fault if she becomes a better person with someone else than when she was with you. You will regret it. Be a better man and watch your relationship improve. No woman wants her marriage to fail; help her keep your marriage. You will be better for it. With her by your side, you can take on the world.

Women cannot do it alone. They cannot build happy homes alone. They can’t be building while their men are tearing it down with their insensitive actions. Women shouldn’t kill themselves for nothing. Women should stop listening to people who tell them to keep enduring bad relationships. They are not the ones suffering the emotional and psychological torture.

Men should be making efforts to build their marriages. They should strive to be the men their women married instead of breaking their hearts with bad behaviour. It is the duty of men to work and keep their marriages too. Men shouldn’t make their women sacrifice their sanity for marriages with uncertain future. Women shouldn’t be expected to die while keeping their relationships or marriages.

 


RE: In defence of side chicks

Kate, are you telling women to stop fighting these home breakers who are everywhere these days or what? So after suffering with my husband, I will sit down and watch one stupid girl take everything I have worked for? You sound like a side chick. You don’t sound like a respectable married woman. Let me tell you, I am ready to die for my husband. If any lady is after my husband, I will deal with her decisively. In her next world, she won’t come close to a married man.

–Princess Anna, Enugu

Kate, this is the first time I am reading your column and oh my goodness, you are good! I am already your huge fan. Your piece on side chicks was not just educating, it was also entertaining. You are gifted. Ignore the haters. You are hitting them hard that’s why they are reacting.

–Jacob Amodu, Jos             

Bravo once again! Any wife that fights her husband’s side chick will be lucky not to be bathed with acid or receive the beating of her life. Wives have no business fighting side chicks. Husbands are simply big boys that can be managed easily by wise and creative wives.

–Tony, Umuahia

Sometimes, the poor side chicks doesn’t know the man she’s planning a future with is even married. His ring would have suddenly taken flight anytime he meets her. Wives should face their philandering husbands and leave side chicks alone.

–Nkoyo, Uyo

Kate, you are right but Nigerian women who love fighting side chicks instead of facing their irresponsible husbands won’t like this. These women love deceiving themselves and these men keep enjoying both wives and side chicks with glee.

–Queen, Abuja

Until side chicks start suing wives for assaults, they won’t stop their foolishness. I don’t support side chicks in anyway but wives should go and fight their cheating husbands instead.

–Bola, Lagos

We can keep going on and on about this but thanks to the society we live in, the woman will always be blamed when her man misbehaves. It’s either married women can’t keep their men or side chicks should have rebuffed a married man’s advances but the common denominator is the man. There is need for serious reorientation for men in this part of the world.

–Issac, Lagos

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