– The Sun News

What you shouldn’t do if a woman says no to you

You saw a woman who catches your fancy. She looks perfect for your world. You start scheming in your head on how to chat her up. You breathe in and out several times because you are anxious about not messing up.

womanAfter days of rehearsing what to tell her, you summon the courage to talk to her. You tell her what you think about her and how she would complement you if she agrees to be your woman. She listens to you with rapt attention.

At some point, her eyes light up as you smoothly download everything in your brain. You also remember some of the lines your guys used in the past that made their babes fall for themyakata. You start feeling on top of the world.

As time goes, you feel she’s into you because she hasn’t interrupted you since you started oiling her hidden heart with sweet words. She laughs at your jokes whether they are funny or not and you are in the clouds. Nothing prepares you for what will happen next.

All of a sudden, she dashes all your hopes by telling you no. At first, it sounds like you didn’t hear her well. You ask her again if she would like to be your girlfriend and she says no. She tells you how cool and sweet you are but she doesn’t want to be with you with a smile on her face.

Shock and disbelief take over you. You go a step further to convince her not to throw away a God-given opportunity to be with a good guy like you, but she is adamant. She says no again and proceeds to leave. She even tells you that you will meet a woman better than her if you search well.

What do you do at that point? How do you explain to your friends that the babe no gree? How do you deal with your ego? How do you handle the rejection? Do you take it in good faith or resort to insults? Do you start calling her names for rejecting you?

Dear brothers, when a woman rejects your advances, resist the voices in your head telling you to slut shame her. Slut shaming the woman you want to date is a bad idea. It only shows her that she was probably right about rejecting you.

Calling her a prostitute is a bad idea. What were you looking for in a prostitute’s life to begin with? Doesn’t that show that something is wrong with you for wanting date a prostitute? A woman’s rejection is not the end of your life, so quit the name calling. It’s totally unnecessary.

Don’t threaten her with eternal singlehood either, just grow up and stop throwing tantrums like a child whose favourite toy was snatched. It’s not every woman that wants to get married. Some just want to have fun. Don’t start telling her that she will end up an old maid in her father’s house.

I don’t know why you guys still have this archaic mentality that all ladies still live in their father’s houses. Many ladies are living on their own and telling a woman that she will get old in her father’s house because she rejected your advances shows how manner less you are. You need to grow up.

You have to accept that you can’t force a woman to go out with you. You have the right to ask a woman out and she has the right to say no. Don’t take it personal. Just move on. There are so many women out there you can choose from. Don’t feel entitled to a woman’s love especially one who is not into you. Drop that entitlement mentality next time you want to woo a woman. Behave like a gentleman not like a tout.

Abusing the woman who said no to you shows your level of emotional immaturity. Stop being childish and accept the fact that rejection is part of life. Your heart might have been broken, but if a woman says she doesn’t want to date you, stay away from her with dignity. Stalking her and dropping demeaning comments on her social media accounts is uncalled for.

Guys, getting bitter, and thinking about revenge or payback, is only going to prolong your agony. She said not to you, deal with it. You are not jollof rice and can be rejected. Even though it hurts, don’t take it personal by insulting her. Use that rejection as a sign that you might need to do better next time.

Even though no one ever finds a partner that fulfils all the criteria they want, when the feeling is mutual it’s a cause for celebration. This is why love is so treasured, sought after and can seem difficult to find.

That doesn’t mean you should be nasty to the woman who feels you don’t fit into her idea of an ideal partner. When someone rejects you it’s because you aren’t the right fit for them, not because there’s anything wrong with you. It doesn’t mean that you won’t be perfect for someone else.

Don’t try and persuade, coerce or manipulate a woman who is not interested in you into giving you a chance. The relationship will inevitably fail because you will always be begging her to be with you.

The feelings are not mutual. You deserve to be with a woman who feels the same way you do and both of you have chosen to be with each other and not someone who’s there reluctantly.

Rejection is probably the hardest part of the dating process. It taps into our worst fears about not being good enough or that we are somehow unlovable.

The earlier you understand that rejection is part of the dating world, the earlier you will enjoy the dating process next time you meet a woman who catches your fancy.

One of the best ways to deal with rejection is to feel good about yourself. If you are comfortable about yourself when you go on dates, certain in the knowledge that what is meant for you won’t pass you by then you will accept rejection as part of the dating process.

In a strange way, rejection during the dating process can help your relationships in the future. Knowing you can handle it and building your resilience can mean that when you do meet that special someone you are stronger and more confident than before.

So, guys, when a woman refuses to date you, accept her rejection in good faith and don’t fall into the temptation of insulting her. Doing that shows her that you lack manners and dating courtesy.


Re: compromises women shouldn’t make in relationships

Kate, I salute your courage and forth-rightness on relationship matters. Your write up last week was a master piece. It was factual and revealing. It also serves as eye opener to many women who before now have been deluded by crude societal norms.

I also see this insightful and thought-provoking write up as a wake-up call to all men to reconsider their age-long tyrannical practice that is doing the society more harm than good. Remain focused and courageous as narrow minded men may attack you for this write up.  –Pastor Stephen, Abuja

Kate Halim, your articles are a must for me every Saturday. Even though I was away for some time now, I still read your articles online. Your article last week was a masterpiece. A word is enough for the wise. God will continue to forgive people calling your articles stupid and demonic. They cross the line by insulting you. Despite all these name callings, don’t throw in the towel. I will forever remain your fan. -James

Kate, I pray that God will open the brains of your critics to understand the message of your writings, the summary of which to me is: building relationships on solid foundations. Your writings are akin to bitter pills that give life. People of goodwill will continue to commend you. The joy in a relationship is the appreciation of the individuality of each other, knit together by love. 

It is a senseless compromise that a lady should quit her promising career for the sake of a relationship, only for her to regret for the rest of her life. One partner should be encouraged by the other to attain the zenith of success to the benefit of the relationship.  –Tony, Umuahia

Compromises women shouldn’t make in relationships is a wonderful piece of advice. Both parties must show respect and understanding on every matter and issue. No one is superior but complementary at all times. Do to others as you will wish them to do to you. It must be give and take. 
–Hon. Ngozika Ihuoma, Abuja

Indeed you only seem to be a defender of the women folk and a villifier of men. This has again proven that you might have been wounded by men over several failed relationships you had in the past, hence you have this deep repository of experience.

Try and balance your write ups and let your women folk also know the simple truth on how best to relate with men in relationship and not just making endless demands and nagging life out of the man. No man will want to keep such a woman. –Mr Afolabi

Bitter Kate, since this marriage institution didn’t work out for you due to your waywardness, please leave those that are already in it to continue managing it the way they want. –Godwin

Kate, what a brilliant and wonderful piece you wrote last week. May God continue to preserve you. I am always at home with your analytical articles in the paper and last week’s piece was a master stroke.  –Chief Udeagha

As I always do every Saturday, I picked up The Sun and go straight to your column thinking let me see what men have done this time. As usual, you did not disappoint.

It was the usual one sided tirade insinuating the wickedness of men and holiness of women. I have neither the willingness nor the ability to make you change your opinion about men. All I humbly ask of you is do a sequel. Thank you. –Ubaka, Abuja

Honestly, I am sure millions of parents who are wishing their daughters a successful marital lives are praying for you daily for the wisdom you are using to train young ladies and parents on what to further train their daughters on before they sign the dotted lines. We men too are learning a lot on how best to treat our wives. May you continue to increase in knowledge, wisdom and understanding. Minority will talk but majority wins. –O.J. Segun, Ejigbo, Lagos


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1 Comment

  1. Nelson 15th April 2018 at 9:32 pm

    Congratulations!!! On your stereotyping the generality men who have once been rejected, into one whole “mannerless” set. While your topic piqued my interest at first (in fact why I took the pain to read through), you’ve ultimately succeeded in projecting not only your personal insecurities as regards to men, but also your outright hatred for the male gender.
    This is irrevocably the most skewed piece of writing I’ve encountered in recent times, and one can only wonder how you manage to combine such writing ingenuity with a silly thought pattern. I mean, you type and use grammar so effectively but simultaneously sound obnoxiously stupid. When next you choose to embark on such a supposedly noble task, you might want to get the latter fixed and balance your views, such that the whole essence of the piece isn’t surreptitiously defeated. – A bit more of objectivity would go a long way in conveying said message rather than your arrogant and ultimately subjective vituperations.
    I regret having to call you an idiot. Idiot.
    I’m sorry.

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