For me, that isn’t a big deal. If my husband wants a DNA test for our children, I will tell him to give me few days to get ready for the jerry Springer show. As a Yoruba woman who has the pure Yoruba blood running in her veins, I love a lot of drama. An average Yoruba person has a magic wand to turn everything into “owanbe”.
So, I will need to prepare for this DNA season film. I need to make a grand entry into this DNA series and so my preparation isn’t going to be about preparing my mind or trying to gather my thoughts.
My preparations will entail getting a very expensive lace fabric at Balogun market for myself and the children. We will be wearing “anko”(uniform) to the hospital. And if my husband is interested in joining us, he is welcomed (no hard feelings). As a stylish person, my lace will be sewn by a foremost designer and it is going to turn all heads at the hospital. My make up will be on fleek while my shoes will be the most gorgeous ever. After the result is out which I am certain will be all positive, I will throw a party and even start giving souvenirs right from the DNA center. Oh, you guys think I am crazy right? Well, I am not because I really don’t understand why women throw tantrums when their husbands ask them for DNA tests.
Although many women have argued that if a man is asking for DNA test, it means that he is accusing his wife of cheating. But really, I don’t see it that way. If a man is in doubt over the paternity of his children, let him go ahead and have the test. He has the right to be assured that those children he is caring for are his and your words sometimes might not be enough to take care of that.
For instance, a woman is certain that her children are hers 100 percent, so if there is a scientific means of finding out that a child belongs to a man 100 percent, why shouldn’t he take the chance to clear his doubts? Why should a man be blackmailed emotionally into holding onto something that is not his. If he finds out that the child or children are not his and decides to resolve the puzzle that is a different matter. He made that choice himself and not that he was deceived into believing that a child who isn’t his is his own.
We all know this paternity issue didn’t start today, it has been happening for years. In fact, some of our mothers, grandmothers played the games; they played away matches. If we all had the opportunities of having a DNA test, we would be shocked and heartbroken when the results are out because the men we believed are our fathers may not be our biological fathers. So, women telling lies and cheating didn’t start today. It has been going on for years. That is why I won’t blame a man who insists on a paternity test because taking the word of his wife today might make him look foolish in future.
More so, raising a child entails emotional and financial investments. And for me, these are the biggest investments any one can make. So, when a man asks that he wants to be 100 percent sure before he invests his time, emotions and finance in a child, that shouldn’t be too much. I really don’t care how this makes you feel. If your husband wants to do a DNA test, let him do it. You can get angry if you want to because you feel he just crushed the foundation of your trust. That’s fine. Let him have his way. He has a right to know, you can deal with that situation when the results comes out positive. Whatever way you choose to deal with him at that point after the results comes out in your favour. I will be 100 percent on your side.
Of course, this kind of conversation is a tough one with the mother of your children, but I think this test can solidify the man’s role in the child’s life. A man who is now convinced that his child is his can begin to love that child more and take up more responsibilities he has not been doing before.
However, if you are a man who wants a paternity test, you should be as calm as possible when speaking on the subject with your partner. It is a very sensitive issue and her reactions to it only mean she is human. If she is angry, that doesn’t mean she has been cheating on you.
She might feel you don’t trust her enough. Not all women who disagree with going with you for a paternity test have skeleton in their cupboards. Not all women that are upset about this are unreasonable. Some are just mad that the thoughts even crept into your mind. Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand how they would feel for what you are putting forward.
You can as well avoid this conversation if you are afraid it will damage what you share with the woman you love. These days, there are ways you could discretely have a DNA test done without your spouse knowing.
These tests are done with swabs, you can speak with a doctor about this, he will explain further about this. But you should all have it at the back of your minds that paternity tests are pretty expensive here in Nigeria. And lastly, always prepare yourself for the outcome of the result, because some results might shatter your life that you may never recover.
Re: Financial Infidelity
Bola, your “Financial infidelity” in the Sunday Sun of June 10 is unlike your articles, very balanced, for the first time. Eva Ajaokuta .
When I noticed the presence of your write-up on Funke’s traditional position, I dropped the paper immediately. Wondering what this extreme feminist who always exhibits iconoclastic disposition on gender sensitive issues is doing there? Lo and behold, the write up eventually turns out to be the most balanced that I have ever read from your stable. Keep it up that way please.Ikwuagwu Ndubuisi Samuel.
Bola, your position on “financial infidelity” is right in modern practice of marital relationship. A large number of modern husbands are offspring of traditionalists of the past whose families were run under the system of husbands being heads of families and bearing all related responsibilities, including financing. So, the idea of husband and wife running a joint account was not in vogue then. Tendering children and taking care of the home were the preserves of wives then. These were the marital practices under which most modern spouses grew up. However, some educated families have adopted the system of joint responsibilities with just a fraction of them keeping separate accounts and some secrets away from their spouses. However, with time, your idea might gain grounds and become adopted by a larger percentage of married couples. So, let us hope for that. Lai Ashadele.
Great day my dear sis Bola! What a topic, financial infidelity is where every other infidelity started! The bible say if we cannot be faithful in a little thing, is it in bigger things that we are going to be found faithful? I doubt it. Anyway, my suggestion in totality in this institution called marriage and I am been serious about it is that people should venture into opening marriage schools where people go through some teaching about love, trust, unity, openness and total sincerity before going to the altar to say I do! This is because people always give fake promise of I do and when the time to prove that comes, they fall like a park of cards! Opening school of marriage will change not only marriage but the society and the entire world for good.
God bless you my sister! Romanus Ndehigwo Idiroko Ogun State.
Thank you for your Financial Infidelity- 08055–921
Dear Bola, Many thanks for your incisive and thought-provoking article on Financial Infidelity. Many couples are responsible for this, which is also a major issue breaking many homes. I equally fell as a victim a few years after my marriage, when I lost my job and my wife got her own job.
She left our matrimonial home without my knowledge and consent. After she was paid a lump sum running into millions from her late dad’s real assets sales proceeds, she filed for divorce and is still making demands. Judgment will be passed very soon. –0806—-871.