Class Stand?! Sit. Squat. Crawl. Run. Jump. Ok, sleep! Are you dazed? Yes, is that a hand up? Ok, you, what’s your name and what’s the problem?
Student: “Sir, my name is Soyinkus. Dazed? Well, truth is, we appeared confused when you started. Now, we really are…confused, sir. And it seems you are, too”.
Teacher: Keep standing. For saying that bold truth before me, you owe me a Valentine gift. An account with Central Bank in my name and filled with oxygen, good health, sharp mind and consciousness! How can you say your teacher is in a trance? Don’t you know Garuba Shehu and Lai Mohammed can accuse you of uttering hate speech? And the IGP could declare me wanted. However, your comment will form our topic for today. No lesson notes, please. Commit it to memory, if you can. I don’t want EFCC probing my proposed oxygen account. Or DSS and IGP inviting me for tea in Abuja, simply because my tummy rumbles for good food.
Well, one white-haired intellectual-activist that I’ve been trying so hard to “copy” in looks (not in grammar o) has belched. And each time he does, grammar and ifiok (wisdom) drop like Boko Haram bombs, reverberating in the polity. Well, the smart icon learnt from IBB’s recent experience and decided against writing a letter or “special statement”. Instead, he sent the press to tell PMB: “Mr President, I think you are under a trance” Why? “So many unforced errors are going on!” Blood of Judas!
Trance, I’m told, is when someone is in a “half-conscious state characterized by an absence of response to external stimuli”. Oyinbo! I almost swallowed my tongue. Other words for trance include daze, confuse, stupor, reverie, daydream, etc. If you doubt, ask Prof Wole Soyinka. Now, I want somebody to put one of those words in a statement.
Student: Me, Sir. Me, sir! Me, sir!
Teacher: Yes, you. What’s your name?
Student: Sir, my name is Big Head. Baba is confused!
Teacher: Did you say your name is Headboy, Head-of-state of Headache? Ok, never mind. By Baba, did you mean PMB? Well, you can’t say that about the president in my class. That would be “hate speech”.
Ok, so if the president is in a trance, that means the nation is in a trance. In other words, all of us are. Dazed to the point of docility. So confused we get scared of breathing sometimes. Which is why we can’t even “force” Buhari to make any error. He commits all his errors by himself – according to Soyinka. Check out his theory of unforced errors! To make matters worse, the effect of trance keeps him from responding to “external stimuli” – us! Now, no one can make any excuse for Buhari anymore. That held a bit of water when he was ill. Now, he is not just hale and hearty, he’s hearty, hale and ready for 2019! We’re told his ear problems are over, so how come he acts as if he doesn’t hear us. The shouts, cries, wails. He remains adamant, yet, fuelling speculations that he either doesn’t read or listen to the media or he’s in a trance. Well, if there’s a cabal inducing his dream-state, at least the Catholic Bishops told him the plain truth face-to-face the other day.
We are now in a Federal Republic of Trance (or are we?), where everyone is either affected or infected. The trance brings about confusion and we can’t make head or tail about government decisions, anymore. For instance, why fight corruption, yet condone corruption at the same time? Why recall someone suspended on grounds of corruption and placed under investigation? Or are people like Prof Usman Yusuf (of National Health Insurance Scheme); former SGF Babachir Lawal (who reportedly cut grass with N570m) and Adulrasheed Maina (erstwhile head of Presidential Taskforce on Pensions Reform) special breeds? Only a president in a trance can be so confused!
Meanwhile, we the citizens are also dazed that we still can’t buy fuel at normal rate. Yet, we’ve a president who’s also the minister of petroleum. I can’t even remember when last a head of state held the oil can and fuel flowed normally. What do they know about oil? They only hold onto that office because it’s the source of money and power. Unfortunately, it puts them in a trance and they end up just “holding”! So even when the actual thing has been removed from their hands and replaced with a replica, they hardly know. That may’ve been Soyinka’s fear. Perhaps, that’s why he urged Baba to “get out of it” before a certain cabal spoils things for him and the nation.
Only a nation in a trance would wake to be told a snake swallowed N36 million. And we all joke about it. That’s just the one we’re told in our half conscious state. Snakes have been “swallowing” things since Eden. That’s how it “swallowed” the Adam’s pride and Eve’s virginity. Although the National Snake Association (NSA) has vehemently denied the allegation, blaming it on its members’ detractors, how do we know other snakes haven’t swallowed the vaults in Central Bank? The President of NSA, Comrade Human Snake, says they only swallow antelopes, humans and, well, chunks of hard currencies! Very selective. He also pointed out that they don’t waste time swallowing crumpled naira notes from police check points or market women because it reduces their libido. In contrast, gulping dollars, pounds and euros from the vaults of security agencies like NIA’s (National Intelligence Agency’s) $202m increases their orgasms.
See? Only in a confused nation would animals take over. Like an abandoned property, where rodents have a field day. Imagine! Not long ago, rat chased our president out of his official office. One official abandoned his apartment because of mosquitoes. There was a time we had wharf rats. And now, JAMB, in a trance, doesn’t even know what policy to adopt anymore. Even after Senator Sani visited them with snake charmers, JAMB isn’t confident about scratch card procedure anymore. All because of the mystery snake!
I’m also very confused, jare! I don’t even know what I’m saying. My head is not even corrupt, sorry, correct. I’m confused about insecurity. Corruption. Unemployment. I’m confused with too much talk and little action. Confused about 2019 and the drama. Confused about APC’s half-hearted volte face on restructuring. Confused about PDP’s confused and hasty declaration of automatic tickets for current national assembly members. I’m truly confused about the confusion in almost all the segments of this nation. In fact, I’m as confused as a man trying to understand how women work.
When a man doesn’t even know the reality of his situation, he must be in a trance. Dazed. Confused. Daydreaming. Like two blind men who fell into a well. One said to the other, “Isn’t it dark down here?” And he replied: “I don’t know. I can’t see.” Both had forgotten they were blind. So, how could they know whether it was “dark down here” or not. And since they were blind, how did they expect to “see”? In a state of trance, therefore, it might be difficult for Mr President to acknowledge or appreciate the fact that it isn’t well with Nigeria. Especially, when some Nigerians chant his praises in blind loyalty!