Was it not here you read a very exclusive interview with Chief Lamidi Adedibu, the late strongman of Ibadan politics days after he died? Was it not on this back page I brought you the President, live and coloured, when you were all looking for him all over the world? Even if you did not believe me then, you must believe me now, after all I am working for you. Well, unless you are a chartered unbeliever.

Another year has rolled in and while you were depleting the chicken population I was sweating to get you these exclusive new year resolutions of a cross section of your favourite people. Don’t just thank me, send me a fowl, not the sophisticated type that went to church to pray that prayer: ‘I shall not die, I shall live to declare the glory of God in the land of the living.’ Here we go.

President Umar Musa Yar’Adua
This is the year of action, action and more action. I will jumpstart the economy and put all my new but old ministers on high jump. Everybody must be up and doing this year and I will lead by example. I will be at my desk everyday, In Sha Allah, by 7.am and close by 2.am. Nothing is too much for Nigeria and there is so much to do. By December 2009, Nigeria will have uninterrupted power supply. Trust me.

Chief Vincent Ogbulafor (Chairman, PDP)
There shall be no more loss for the PDP in 2009. I still cannot believe that we lost Edo. Can you imagine PDP losing in the main godfather’s domain? I’m still in shock. That is why 2009 is a year of restoration for the party. I don’t know what we will do but we will capture another state to replace Edo. This is also the year when I must rev up the engine of the ‘PDP forever’ vehicle. No stopping, no slacking.
Secondly, even if I have to crate Atiku (a la Umaru Dikko), he must return to PDP. That is the major do-or-die affair of 2009. His continued stay outside the family house is affecting family matters.

Dr Goke Adegoroye (Permanent Secreatry, Ministry of Education)
I will never deliver any paper, any address on behalf of anybody this year. Not even the President will make me represent him or anybody. Let them write their addresses and deliver them on their own. Where I come from, the man on whose head the coconut is broken does not partake in the eating. My head rejects evil talk and contrived queries in 2009 and if by any chance I find myself in a tight corner where I have to do anything on behalf of anybody this year, my doctor and I should be able to conjure up stomach upset and diarrhea to keep me at home or in the hospital until the ‘storm’ blows over.

Mike Okiro (Inspector-General of Police)
I have resolved to build Special Police Stations on the premises of all State Houses of Assembly and the first one will be built in Ekiti State House of Assembly. The general public is invited to the foundation laying ceremony. I will personally perform it on the last Monday of January. May I quickly stress here that these new Police Stations will be equipped with all arms and ammunition that can disarm rampaging politicians. There will be canisters of chemicals that can put legislators to sleep when and if they make a beeline for one another’s throats or try to strangulate one another with their agbada. There will be paralyzing gases to incapacitate lawmakers when they try to break the mace.

We will also equip the police stations with padded cells where we will hold riotous lawbreakers until they are calm in the head. I have watched in dismay our legislators’ total disregard for decent conduct even in the hallowed chambers of the House and I am ashamed on their behalf. They need to be saved from themselves. What will motor park touts say of me and the Police Force if I let free-for-all fights by politicians go unattended to? Let it not be said that I love lawbreakers more than ‘Agbero.’ Nobody is above the law. In addition to the canisters of gases, the Special Police Stations will be manned by men who can handcuff politicians without damaging their designer wrist-watches, bring them down without rumpling their ties and so on.

Governor Babatunde Raji Fashola (Lagos State)
All Lagosians must pay tax o.This tax thing is a serious thing and I will take it to the next level this year. Every business man must pay tax. Agbero will pay. We will tax Ashewo (pardon my language) because commercial sex business is taxable business. They are free to increase their tariff. They can also charge VAT. The boys will pay. They can start issuing receipts to their clients because we will send auditors to audit their accounts. MOT certificates of road worthiness are issued to vehicles by the Ministry of Transport and in 2009, the Ministry of Health will issue bed-worthiness (or whatever Dr Jide Idris, the Commissioner, decides to call it) to commercial sex workers so they can do their business without harassment. Whether the business is being done from GRA, university campus or from the red-light districts, the needful must be done.

Again, Lagos must be clean by fire and by force. If anybody thinks I’m joking let him build along the path of my flower beds. The days ahead will be hard and harsh on those who want to do business along the streets and he will see my red eye. I have noticed that some people whose makeshift shops were demolished have since rebuilt them. I pity them. Anybody who thinks he can bring back to life whatever I have killed will dance ‘konkobelow’ in the sun in Alausa.This is new Lagos, the one I promised and I intend to deliver. Let the house rat hear and inform the bush rat.

Governor Rotimi Amaechi (Rivers State)
I have had it up to my nose with these riff raffs calling themselves militants. How can you want the best for the Niger Delta region by chasing out construction companies who have been paid to develop the place? How can you be anything but criminals if you kill fellow Niger Deltans and kidnap people old enough to be your grandfathers? In this year of our Lord 2009, the end has finally come for lousy lazy parasites who think they can continue to terrorize me and everybody. We shall give it whatever it takes. In fact, I’m no longer satisfied with these criminals running off into the creeks from their evil forests because they will also turn that place into evil creeks. I want them out of Rivers entirely.

They relocate anywhere. We have decided to extend our construction works into the creeks. So, leave they must. And if anyone of them thinks I’m sounding off because I like the sound of my voice, he should check out my full names again – Rotimi Chibuike Amaechi. I have held meetings with Gani Adams and Dr Fasehun and they have assured me of the full support of the OPC. They don’t call me Rotimi for nothing. I will start with the OPC and we shall take it from there. If we have to resort to street fight, so be it but 2009 is the year of change.

Let those who want to unleash terror on me also go and oil their guns, we hall see who will come out with a bloody nose. I’m holding the purse strings for now and I refuse to play lottery with Rivers money or play what the Igbos call ‘Agbata ekee’.I intend to leave Rivers state better than I met it. Translation? Some people will have to look beyond the Government House and find other sources of income.

Innocent Tu Face Idibia
This is my year of Family Planning. No more accidental discharges. In fact, there will be no discharges this year, so help me God. I will also launch an NGO on how not to be a father. Just like superstars do in Hollywood, I will give my name as endorsement to a new brand of condom. Let me also seize this opportunity to tell all my African Queens that though they make heart go ling-a-ling, ‘Edumare don bless me o’. That means I can afford to start to pose. You can take me where I’ve never being but let us keep it all away from the maternity ward. It is true that without you, there’ll be no one to call my African Queen but let us attempt to keep the fire out of our desire. It is now a crime to make me a father and I don’t want to be declared wanted. So, I’m zipping up. Five kids ain’t no joke if they are all going to attend Corona or British-America School.

Was it not James Hardley Chase who wrote ‘If you believe this, you’ll believe anything’? What do you think? Happy new year again.