Living with a critical spouse is hell on earth. It’s painful to be sharing your life and bed with someone who always criticizes you. You can never get anything right with a critical spouse. They complain all the time.
You are not beautiful enough like his ex girlfriend from Owerri. You don’t know how to cook ofe nsala like his mother. You don’t know how to dress like his sister who lives in America. You don’t speak good English like his boss and you don’t know how to treat him like a king like your neighbour’s wife, Mama Emeka.
When a woman continues to hear such things, her self esteem takes a bad dive. She starts to question herself. She starts to believe that something is wrong with her. She loses her self-worth and if care is not taken, she sinks into depression.
When you constantly tell your man that he is no good and keep comparing him to other men you meet, you are destroying him. Being critical of him and the way he does things won’t make your relationship better.
It’s unhealthy for any marriage to be filled with criticisms. Living with a spouse who seems to always find faults can be very difficult and painful. It’s important for your emotional and mental health to find ways of handling the situation.
It can be helpful to realize that most of your spouse’s criticisms has little to do with you. That may be hard to believe when the comments are usually aimed in your direction. But the truth is that anyone who finds fault with others is first unhappy with themselves and their lives.
If your spouse is mature enough to look in the mirror and admit the true reasons for their behaviour, your marriage will change for the better. But if not, you still need to understand the dissatisfaction is most likely not about what you do or don’t do.
Your spouse might be a bully who says and does things that make you feel bad or inept orsubtly pick at you with soft, hurtful criticisms. Even if you love your spouse, their constant criticisms may make you start to resent them.
When living with a critical spouse, you might frequently feel defensive and lash back at them for making you feel bad about yourself. Sometimes, your reaction when you feel attacked could be to withdraw into yourself.
There are many ways you can respond to your spouse’s criticisms. Some of these reactions might strain your relationship even more. You might criticize and push back their criticisms word for word. In the short term, some of these reactions feel rewarding and comfortable. However, the lasting effects on your marriage can’t be positive.
You need to learn some positive ways to deal with your spouse’s criticisms. This is not to excuse their bad behaviour, but it helps you to take charge of the situation so that you don’t lose your cool. Trust me, when you overreact, it will be used against you.
I know it’s hard if your spouse is good at criticizing you but don’t take it personally. There are many reasons why a person might be critical. In many cases, the criticism has more to do with the one saying it and less to do with the one the criticism seems directed toward.
I am not suggesting that you allow yourself to be bullied by your spouse, tell them to stop putting you down if you feel overwhelmed. But at the same time, if you can find a way to see the complaint or nagging for what it is.
It is never okay for your spouse to verbally abuse you. Don’t take that from anybody. You should look out for yourself. But, there are times when refusing to take your spouse’s criticisms personal can be the key to changing dealing with this bad relationship habit.
You can press the ignore button and shut out their negative words for your own good and sanity. You don’t have to respond.
If you have a critical spouse, sometimes, you have to really listen to what they are saying. What is going to make a positive difference when dealing with your partner’s criticisms is to not join in their negativity.
Soothe yourself so that you don’t go along with them to a place of irritation, resentment, and anger. The calmer you are, the easier it will be for you to really listen. When you really listen to the need that’s being expressed that may be hidden in criticism, you can speak to that need and not to the criticism.
Be responsible for your own habits and make sincere apologies when appropriate. This can also defuse a criticism and shift you both toward finding a resolution instead of keeping you stuck in conflict.
When all is said and done, there’s no excuse for bad behaviour. Your spouse has a responsibility to treat you with respect, and when that doesn’t happen, it’s time for you to take action on your own behalf.
Part of taking care of yourself is not letting anyone take away your sense of self-esteem even if they are your spouse.
Re: Things you shouldn’t give up for a relationship
My sister, please take it easy. You are becoming too tough on men. You are sounding like a wounded lioness. Men are not as black as you paint them and you ladies are sometimes the architects of your woes only to turn around and blame everything on men. I don’t advise any girl to hearken to your voice because men are superior beings and every woman no matter her status must humble herself before a man because every woman needs a man. –Odoh James, Enugu
Thanks Kate for your wonderful write-up. I am very proud of you. You are very blunt and bold. I am a bold and blunt woman too. Please keep feeding us with Saturday tonic. God bless you.
–Cecilia Abang, Calabar
Kate, you tell the truth of how foreign relationships work but this is Africa, Nigeria to be precise. So tell young ladies how it works here, not just deceiving them of how Europeans build their relationships. –Ikedi, Mbaise, Imo State
My dear Kate, I have been reading your write-up all these while and it has really helped me in my relationship. Don’t listen to the abuses from men; that is the worst they can do. Ride on, the great feminist ambassador. I pray that our ladies will heed to this truth and you will see men sitting up. I love you. -Favour, Imo State
You are on a mission to turn good women against their husbands. Why do you keep educating women to rub shoulders with men in relationships? Women should be submissive and not think they can be equal with men. God made men superior to women. You and your fellow bitter feminists who don’t have a man to call your own are just wasting your time. All you do is encourage women to misbehave. Your last week column is an example. You are teaching women to stop tolerating their men’s weaknesses but you have refused to say if you are single or married. You are just deceiving these ladies because if they continue to listen to you, no man will marry them. -Onyebuchi, Asaba
Kate sometimes you try to balance issues by using the right words partners and spouse, but either by your personal experience or your natural hatred for men, you become bias and go one sided again. You have to note that all men are not bad.
You mean if your fiance is happily working in Borno State and you are in Abuja, you cannot suggest or plan with your fiance to give up your job and relocate for you to make a good home? Please, stop this counselling, you know nothing about relationships. -Igwe Port Harcourt
Kate, I must let you know that your write-ups are educative. I know a lot of couples that it has helped in their relationships. Keep up the good work. -Clinton, Umuahia
Kate, I don’t miss Saturday Sun because of your column, but your last edition will be misconceived by most of your female audience. You appear not to understand these Nigerian ladies nowadays. I could discern your good intentions for the write up but you forget that most of these ladies will assume it is right to keep ex-male friends even when in a marriage and serious relationship.
You are encouraging them to throw caution to the wind because you want them to claim equality with their menfolk. Why do you want women to go out and hang out with their ex male friends? Is that our culture?
You keep wondering why we have many broken young marriages nowadays. I’m sure when you look around and see many single ladies who cannot make good homes because of your advice, you will regret for being misunderstood. -Edward Adiele
Kate, enough is enough! What is even wrong with you? Why are you so stubborn and unyielding? Every week, you use your column to teach women how to misbehave. With all the insults you get weekly, you have refused to stop with this evil campaign of yours.
What kind of heart do you have? Stop teaching women how to compete with men. Women are meant to submit to men, go and read your Bible well before you send Nigerian women to hell.
-Nnamdi Ugwu, Lagos
Kate, I’m happy that you are still waxing very strong despite all the negative comments you get. It’s like guys are really out for you this year. But as l always advise you, never give up. Your articles have saved many marriages. I am happy that girls now read your articles just like their male counterparts. I never support men who encourage their partners to abandon their work or business just because of marriage. Such men do not mean good for these women. Ladies be careful and never jeopardize your future because of marriage, shine your eyes.
Kudos to Saturday Sun for giving you this ample opportunity to reflect on some marital issues. -Chinedu Uzoeshi, Abuja