The Sun News

Things you shouldn’t give up for a relationship

Relationships can make or mar you. This is why it is important to watch the kind of person you are allowing into your life.

Your relationship can either bring mutual growth and happiness or suffocate and destroy you. It all depends on what you allow the other person to do and get away with.

It is a known fact that your relationship should support, encourage, uplift, and challenge you to become a better person, and not drain you of energy or make you feel bad about yourself.

Unfortunately, what we see around these days in many relationships and marriages are far from encouraging. Many women are dying slowly in relationships with men who are suffocating their dreams and stifling their growth.

And because society has brainwashed these women to believe that they must give up who they are and what they want to become for marriage, they don’t have the boldness to live their lives to the full.

Many women are unhappy in their marriages. They are having sex and making babies with men who don’t want them to be more successful than they are. They are sharing their lives with men who want them to remain small and dependent on them.

I always tell young ladies hopping up and down about marriage and shouting ‘This year is my year to get married’ to take it easy. Marriage is not a child’s play. Marriage is not easy. It takes commitment and deliberate efforts to make a marriage work.

I tell women not to sacrifice who they are or their dreams for any marriage. That’s suicide mission. If that man you want to marry wants you to give up who you are and the things you are passionate about because of a ring, show him the door.

The only thing a man is permitted to demand you give up is bad habits. If he wants you to give up your job or business for him, he’s an enemy of progress. You have to run away fast before he ruins your life.

If you constantly have to check in with your partner or feel guilty about going somewhere with friends or family, this shows that your significant other lacks confidence. Dealing with a possessive partner is terrible. You are always walking on egg shells.

Possessive behaviour points to an extreme internal insecurity. If he acts as if he owns you, you shouldn’t marry him. Even though he deserves love and kindness, you need to cut ties with him before he drains you emotionally.

Young lady, you must not give up being who you are because you want a man to marry you. The right person will love you for your full, authentic self. Also, the right person would never want you to change, because they truly enjoy your genuine essence, without you having to change a thing.

Don’t change yourself for an insecure man. Don’t claim he will change after marriage. Don’t deceive yourself that your love will change him––marriage will make him worse!

This is not to say that you won’t make efforts to meet your partner halfway regarding issues in your relationships, but changing who you are because of a man is a bad idea. In the end, it will backfire.

You don’t have to give up your happiness for any relationship. If someone doesn’t enhance your life and add to your joy, then what purpose do they serve in your life? Must you remain in a relationship where tears and pains are your food? You are hurting yourself.

If your partner drags you down and makes you feel crappy about yourself and life, then it’s time to call quits on the relationship. You need someone who will love and cherish your presence in his life, not someone who drains energy from your life.

Nigerian women should stop putting up with men who hurt them constantly. You shouldn’t be whining all the time about the crappy treatment that a man dishes out to you while you remain in the relationship disturbing people in Facebook groups with your sob stories.

A relationship comes with disagreements from time to time, but even after a long time of being together, you still should be able to laugh and play with each other. You shouldn’t give up fun in your relationship.

Without fun, life can become monotonous and stressful, and it will only cause tension if you remain with someone who can’t relax and loosen up every once in a while. Life is hard enough to be coping with someone who doesn’t have fun. That’s emotional torture on its own.

No woman should give up her dreams for a relationship. Don’t do that. Men don’t give up their dreams for women, no matter how much they love them. In fact, if you become a stumbling block in their path, they discard you without looking back

So, I don’t get why women give up their dreams because one man dangled marriage before them. If he doesn’t want you to pursue that career you toiled for in school, let him go. If he wants you to give up your business, tell him to go far.

An ideal relationship consists of two people on the same mission supporting each other every step of the way. These two people might have different dreams, but they still encourage and cheer each other on.

If you don’t have someone on the same path as you, or even someone who has your back, don’t hesitate to leave the relationship. What you want out of life makes up a large portion of who you are, and you don’t need someone who dismisses or bashes your goals.

Your partner should make you feel a deep sense of calm that makes you forget about the chaos around you. They shouldn’t make you anxious, nervous, or angry a majority of the time. Your partner should have peace within him or herself, and reflect it on you as well.

Your relationships with friends and family shouldn’t have to suffer just because you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé, or spouse.

Your partner should allow you to have friend and family time without getting possessive and trying to control who you hang out with and when. Make sure you have an understanding, confident partner who doesn’t need you around all the time to be happy.


Re: Woman, is your relationship heading nowhere?

Kate, you have a mission to help women enjoy good relationships. Don’t stop doing what you do. I admire your courage to continue writing with all the insults some men rain on you weekly. 
–Stephanie, Abuja

Are you the one who is going to marry these women you tell to stop dating their men? If women leave men over the flimsy excuses you outlined last week, will you marry them? You are just deceiving gullible women with your satanic write-ups. I pity those unmarried ladies who listen to you. They will grow old in their father’s houses waiting for perfect men. –Emeka, Obosi

Kate, this is the first time I am affirming your write-up. You are correct but don’t always press the pedal hard against men because there are many unforeseen potholes and bumps on the way. –Eze Callistus, Ikom

Madam, do you know what it means to get a man to marry you these days? It is not easy. Ask your sisters who go from church to church looking for husband and they will tell you that any man is better than no man. No matter how bad a man is, he will see a wife to marry which is not so with women. Stop teaching women to rub shoulders with men. They will end up single and bitter like you.  –Francis, Lagos

I agree with you with Kate. Women should stop wasting their time with unserious men. Your column was loaded. Thank you for teaching young ladies what their families don’t teach them about relationships and marriage. It is good to date the person dating you. The problem is that some ladies are too scared of moving forward if their relationships are not heading anywhere. –Peace, Lagos

Kate, you said it all. No man is worth my time except he has my time. The feelings and efforts in relationships should be mutual, not one-sided. Women should stop wasting their time with unwilling men. It brings insults and disrespect. –Josephine, Minna

You always sound as if men are always the cause of all the relationship problems in the world. Why don’t you talk about your cheating and lying sisters who will do anything to grab a man’s money? Why don’t you talk about women who are destroying men? Why don’t you talk about women who use charm to get men to marry them? You are not serious, Madam Feminist.     
–John, Uyo

I just hope the women your last week’s message was meant for are smart enough to heed your wise counsel. Well done, may your golden pen never runs dry. –Christie, Lagos

Kate, after reading you for months now, I can conclude that you suffered a bitter breakup and that’s why you think all men are bad. You always paint men black in your column. Will you ever say good things about men for once? I think you deserve all the insults you get weekly. It is better you balance your write-ups before somebody stabs you one day out of anger. Try and separate your personal problems from your column. You are a good writer no doubt, but I feel you are hurting.  –Chukwuma, Enugu

Kate, as usual, your sermon is point blank. I appreciate your avowed inclination to the truth. Thanks for your liberating messages to your readers in Nigeria and beyond. It is appalling that many ladies knowingly and willingly allow themselves to be fooled by impish men. I feel such ladies hate themselves. It’s a shame. –Tony, Umuahia

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Online Editor: Aderonke Bello
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