– The Sun News
Boko Haram

The year in security comedy

Dan: Can you imagine!
Bama: Imagine what, Mr. Daniel?
Dan: That the year 2017, which we just celebrated, is already folding up?
Bama: That tells you the world is coming gracefully to an end.
Dan: Let it not come to an end now.
Bama: Why?
Dan: What do you mean, why, because I did not achieve anything in 2017!
Bama: Whose fault?
Dan: I blame the government.
Bama: Why, instead of blaming yourself?
Dan: You’re asking me why? Is it not the government that increased the fuel pump price to N145 per litre? Is it not the government that encouraged banks to be charging spurious taxes on all our transactions? Is it not the government that…
Bama: I beg your pardon, must you blame the government for every masquerade you find at your doorstep? So, because your wife is not pregnant the government is responsible?
Dan: I don’t blame you, you wear the same shoes with them.
Bama: Me? God forbid. Did I not also complain about armed robbers the other day when they stopped my car with other road users along Ore-Lagos highway and cleaned us out?
Dan: Sorry my friend. Hope you were not injured?
Bama: That was not all, my elder sister lost her son to invading Fulani herdsmen, who entered her husband’s village in the middle of the night and slaughtered over 20 villagers.
Dan: What! Were the police not around?
Bama: Which police? Do we still have police? Police died since 2015.
Dan: Impossible! Police cannot die. It was created by the Constitution of Nigeria.
Bama: Sit down there, you will be surprised when the government would scrap the police and convert them to Civil Defence or restructure it and simply call it Nigeria Police Service (NPS) or Nigeria Police (NP).
Dan: You must be kidding. This must be the joke of the year. Is this what you have been imagining? Don’t let the Senate hear this. In fact, tell it not in Daura, and mention it not on the streets of Abuja.
Bama: I am even imagining bigger things like the retirement of the IGP.
Dan: Which IGP?
Bama: How many IGPs do we have?
Dan: I thought I was the only one nursing that idea. Me, I want the man removed with immediate effect and alacrity!
Bama: No, I want him to be retired quietly. Do you know he was happy when the President announced the extension of the tenure of all the service chiefs? He forgot that he was not among them (laughs).
Dan: Ha, I was reliably told that he danced everywhere, until one of his aides rudely interrupted his “jollification” and reminded him that the police boss is not counted among the service chiefs. Please, leave the man alone, his cup is already full.
Bama: Is that so, “Igirigiri,” do you know that he has been given a new name?
Dan: “Igirigiri”, what’s the name?
Bama: Mr. Controversy!!
Dan: (Prolonged laughter) You will not kill me with your security comedy.
Bama: I heard they want to give him an award.
Dan: They should present him with a national police award.
Bama: Okay o, I close that chapter. I am just imagining how my village would look like this festive season. That Boko Haram is a done deal, the way our government officials have decimated and  conquered them with their mouth.
Dan: Haba, Boko Haram has been decimated, according to them. So you are free to go home.
Bama: Well, we should at least commend the Army for doing a fantastic job. Why are you fast in commending them.
Dan: Why not, compare December 2016 to 2017 with 2011 to 2014 and you can understand why. In those years, Boko boys almost took over Abuja. They bombed Police Headquarters, United Nations office in Abuja, military barracks inside Abuja, in fact, they were almost unstoppable. Have you forgotten so quickly how they even went to Nyanya and bombed buses.
Bama: It is true, even the casualty rate of the soldiers has drastically reduced.
Dan: You know what that tells you?
Bama: What?
Dan: It means the man call Buratai has his thinking cap on.
Bama: Yes, l thinks so. It is only a brutal man that can brutally take over Sambisa forest and dislodge the Boko boys.
Dan: (Silence) Why the sudden silence.
Bama: I was just thinking about my friend whose container just arrived at the Tin Can Island port.
Dan: Wow! That is great, but I pity him, with that old soldier in charge of the Customs.
Bama: My friend has employed the service of a voodoo priest to evade the new eagle eyes the old soldier gave to every Customs officer at the boarder and port. Have you seen them recently? See them checking every container the way a hen scatters the rubbish looking for food.
Dan: You won’t blame them, the old soldier wants to excel. He wants to beat the records of the former Comptroller of Customs.
Bama:  By the way, where is the former Customs boss?
Dan: If you ask me, na who I go ask? ( you  know the song)
Bama: Well, to me o, the new CG is working very hard. You know he was a JJC, but he now understands that the Customs service operates like a cult, so he is adjusting. Did you hear the news recently, that he raked into government coffers over N1 trillion?
Dan: You see, initially, we were blaming Mr. President for stepping out of the organisation to pick a CG, but today the story has changed. No more controversy but commendations.
Bama: You are very much correct; with the fact that the man is  a retired military man, who is not ready to shed off his military behaviors.
Dan: Please, leave the man alone, I learnt he has adjusted after the clash with the senators at the National Assembly. I think that is the type of man for Customs. He is showing them peppe now. You can see that there is discipline now in the Customs service.
Bama: By the way who won in that national clash?
Dan: If you ask me, na who I go ask?
Bama: Hahahahaha (prolonged laughter)
Dan: Continue to laugh, while l arrange my international passport.
Dan: Very easy my brother, unlike in the past, when this in uniform would literarily eat you raw.
Bama: Who are the lmmigrants ?
Dan: l mean the immigration boys.
Bama: Those ones, they can collect money fom a ghost looking for passport to hell.
Dan: they have Baba to square up with.
Bama: You mean Baba Buhari?
Dan: Not at all, it is their overall boss, they call him Baba.
Bama: Oh, so they call him “ Baba”
Dan: Yes, the man is too much. He has transformed the personnels and even changed their modus operandi.
Bama: Oh yeh?, super!
Dan: When l was to secure a  new passport, l walked straight to their office, filled the form and did what they call capturing.


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