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Simple ways to put back the spark in your relationship

1. Show affection both publicly and privately

Learn how to hold your spouse’s hand when you are walking down the street. Wink at her in a crowded restaurant where she is already sitting and waiting for you to join her on a Friday after work. Give her a full brilliant smile; a hug at the very least feels like a no-brainer but these little things help her remember why you married her even after 20 years of marriage. But we’re so caught up in day-to-day stuff—cooking dinner, checking email, helping with homework, finishing up that letter for our boss—that a loving gesture is usually the first thing to go in our relationships. “Stop whatever it is you’re doing and acknowledge each other when you first meet after a long day,” says Andrea Syrtash, author of Cheat on Your Husband (with Your Husband). “It sets the tone for a better, more connected evening. It could be for just five seconds, but you send the message that your partner is a priority in your life and that you’re going to acknowledge it.” You see, when you do not exhibit these physical acts of love and the personal connection it creates, you risk becoming roommates rather than lovers.

2. Using words like hot, exciting, thrilling about our relationships remind us of how we got together in the first place. When was the last time you used such words to describe your relationship? “Once you move out of the infatuation phase, the spice usually starts to fade,” says author and sex therapist, Dr. Ian Kerner.

Many women that I have talked to confess that there is no spark in their relationship and that it feels so lukewarm. So what can you do to bring back that strong, intense connection? Continue reading for other hot and sizzling tips to reignite the fire in your relationship.

3. Re-arrange your bedroom

This might sound absurd but guess what; it’s the place where you spend time alone with your partner, but there may be roadblocks to seduction. Put a lock on the door so that the kids do not walk in freely. Get rid of the family pictures on the dresser. Sexologist and relationship expert Logan Levkoff explains that seeing a picture of your children or mother-in-law could definitely ruin the moment—or prevent you from getting in the mood in the first place. Position your bed so that the sunlight streams in first thing in the morning. Once the sun peaks out, you tend to stretch seductively towards your partner in preparation for waking up. At the same time, you tickle his toes and he finds a way to stretch towards you. Early morning cuddling is an aphrodisiac for what lies ahead. Consider removing the television from the bedroom; make it your place of fun; sex and sleep only. The television gives you an excuse to postpone the intimacy because you say, ‘honey, I have to watch that show or that breaking news.’ What happens is that you end up losing the moment.

4. Write a love note and stick it on the refrigerator

In these modern times, handwritten love letters may be a thing of the past, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t express your love via written communication. Sometimes it’s easier than saying it aloud. “Make it a priority to send a sweet email, sexy text message or some other little gesture on a weekly basis,” says Dr. Yvonne Fulbright, a sexologist and author. Written words are powerful. When he goes downstairs for his morning coffee and finds that note that says, “Good morning Fred, don’t forget our date tonight, looking forward to—-, I love you”, you definitely will rock his world that day and he will whistle all day from the shower to the office, bad traffic and all day at work.

5. Boldly tell him what you want

You can’t be upset that your husband never gives you a massage or goes down on you if you don’t tell him you want one. “A reason men don’t do things is because they fear getting it wrong,” says Logan. “Women have to understand that men feel pressured.” Make it easier by sharing with your significant other the things you like and dislike.

This is so true. Men love approval, they are so afraid of being criticized that rather than not being sure, they will hold back. Your spouse wants to try out what he saw on television, or what the guys discussed but he wants to be sure that you don’t accuse him of “learning it somewhere else” so, he will shut down and just be mechanical. He might even go as far as finding a willing partner if you will not encourage new ideas in your bedroom. Your spouse wants to learn all there is about you. Boldly tell him how to please you, you don’t have to be shy. Be totally open and honest with him and allow him to be open as well.

Enjoy your spouse now while there is youth and good health. These things will see you through the later years.

ν Dr. NJ

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