If you have gotten to the point that talking about the issues that hurt you in your marriage is meaningless, you have given up on your marriage.
Kate Halim
It is not unusual to meet people who have given up on their marriages. These people have tried their best to make things work but it looks like their efforts are not yielding positive results. They are frustrated with the way things are going between them and their spouses that they just give up.
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Some couples are still married, living together as husband and wife but they have given up on their marriages. They live like flatmates and only communicate when it’s time to buy things, pay bills or pay children’s school fees. Sex is out of the equation for some of these couples.
Are you wondering what is happening to you and why you don’t feel for your spouse the things you felt for them in the past when you first started dating? Do you feel detached emotionally from the one you once loved? You may have given up on your marriage.
When you have given up on your marriage, you are either married to your work, your children, your friends, your fitness journey, or just anything or any place or any person other than your spouse. Something else is clearly your priority if you have thrown in the towel on your union.
It is sad that many Nigerian wives now focus all their attention on their children because their husbands are nowhere to be found or they have buried their heads in their jobs or businesses. Some of these women are married singles. They don’t feel the warmth and company of their husbands.
Couples who have no routine together may have given up on their marriages. There are many routine activities that married couples can engage in together to spend time together, but couples who are no longer interested in building their marriages don’t care about these routines.
You don’t even stay in the same room not to talk of going on dinner dates like couples in love. You don’t eat together. You don’t go to bed at the same time. You don’t even watch the same TV show. You go to separate rooms and watch your own shows. You don’t go to the gym together. If there’s nothing that binds you and your spouse, something is wrong.
Not only have you not had sex in months or years but you don’t even hug, kiss, hold hands, touch or play like you used to do in the past. You do almost nothing as a couple. If you pass each other in the hallway, you go out of your way to give each other plenty of room or excuse each other as if you are colleagues passing each other at the office.
When your partner is down, you don’t ask questions. You ignore them. You don’t probe them further to find out what is making them feel so sad. If your husband tells you he’s fine, you are good with that even though you know it isn’t true. You know something is eating your wife up but you just ignore her because it is an easier route for you than helping her go through her issues.
If you get home, and don’t find your spouse there, you don’t text them or call them to ask where they are. If your husband doesn’t come home for a full day, you won’t call him to find out where he is. You are so used to his absence and abandonment that you don’t feel that you are missing anything if he doesn’t come home for days. Things are that bad between you two.
If you have gotten to the point that talking about the issues that hurt you in your marriage is meaningless, you have given up on your marriage. You don’t have it in you to talk to your spouse about your flailing marriage. You don’t even discuss it at all and when your spouse wants to say something about it, you shut them down.
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Spouses who have given up on their marriages would rather do their own things alone. They always choose the activity they want to do, and do it alone, rather than doing something that will involve them and their spouse. If you don’t want to be close to your spouse and love doing your own thing, at your own time all by yourself, you have checked out of that marriage.
When you have given up on your marriage, you become jealous of happy couples. When a friend tells you how happy they are in their marriage, you scoff. You tell them to watch their spouse closely that they might be deceiving them.
You try to hurt your friend by sowing seeds of doubt and distrust in their heart against their spouse because it’s your subconscious defense mechanism. It’s too painful to think about happy marriages when you are sad and have given up on your marriage. You no longer believe that people can be genuinely happy in their marriages.
If you have given up on pet names, sweet tones, playful teasing, or any type of language that softens up talk about things between you and your spouse, you have given up on your marriage. If someone were to hear you talk to each other, they would believe you were just roommates. That’s how bad things have gotten between you and your spouse.
The worst aspect of giving up on your marriage is refusing to talk to your loved ones about how much you are hurting. You don’t even want to talk to your friends who care about you, and can see that your marriage is struggling. You insist everything’s fine, and quickly change the subject whenever they ask about it. You are obviously tired of talking about these issues over and over again.
If you have given up on your marriage, when your partner upsets you, you don’t say react or say anything. You just go somewhere to soothe your own pain, like a bar, the cinema or a friend’s place. You don’t feel the need to tell your spouse how much they hurt you because you feel there’s just no point to letting them know your true feelings. You have become numb to the pain.
Some couples live together but barely see each other. They just come and go as they please. They hardly see each other even though they live together. The worst part is that even though they barely see each other, they don’t feel like doing anything about it. They have decided to just let life take over their schedule, rather than creating time for their spouses.
When you no longer want to have sex with your spouse for months or years, your marriage is over. Sex bonds couples and brings them closer but if you and your husband or wife don’t connect through sex anymore, one or both of you have given up on your marriage.
If you have issues in your marriage, it is better to trash them out between you and your spouse but if these issues are deeper than what you both can handle, get a professional counselor involved. You can go see a marriage therapist to help you walk through your marital issues.
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Don’t go to a religious leader with your marriage issues; they have a way of making things worse. These people only know how to offer one sided advice to women while they absolve men of any blame. If you are serious about getting your marriage right back on track even if you may have given up on it, stay away from religious counselors.
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RE: MISTAKES MEN MAKE IN MARRIAGE
Dear Kate, I love the awareness you are creating by writing to improve man/woman relationships. Keep it up!
-Nkechi
Sometimes, when I read the things you write, I begin to ask myself if you were raised properly. How can you say that men not cooking and cleaning for their wives is one of the mistakes they should stop making. How do you expect a man who married a woman with his hard earned money to start cooking for her?
What will she be doing? Keep your western marriage values away from us. We are Africans and we don’t do some things in marriage.
-Bernard, Onitsha
You are the Queen of say it as it is. Men should learn to shove their ego in sandwiches and girls should learn to take control of their lives independently. Your write-ups are soul stirring and thought provoking. Thank you for giving a voice to my thoughts. Keep up with your eye opening explosives.
-Opemipo
You just put my concerns on paper. It’s as if you know me but you don’t know my story. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t read your
articles or any article to improve our marriage. Relationships are worked at by both partners. I am 30 years plus in marriage, thank you for making me know I am not insane for expecting certain things from my spouse. God bless you as you continue to encourage some of us with your articles.
-Davis
Dear Kate, you advised men to be party to housekeeping. You even went to the extreme like washing of dishes and cooking. The hatred you have for Nigerian men doesn’t even allow you understand that 99.5% of Nigerian men provide
for their family financial needs. Hence some of them work 11 hours a day. It’s a known fact that 99% of Nigerian women have it in their brain that it is the duty of men to provide for the family. Yet you still want them to enter kitchen for their wives for them to know they are good husbands. Well, you have shown that you don’t care about the high number of Nigerian men developing high blood pressure. There is no way a man and a woman can be equal partners as you want it.
-0806….297
I read Saturday Sun every week
because of your write-ups which I call marriage gospel. Don’t bother about those attacking you. You are doing the work of God. Keep it up!
-Osita Nwaekwu, Aguleri
Last week’s article is the gospel according to Kate Halim. If this preaching is put to work, it will no doubt transform homes into the kingdom of God on earth. I wish to state that you have won a disciple through your powerful pen. May you never be hindered so that you can continue with your good works. Well done.
-Anus Ikeoha, Nsukka