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Sharing sexual fantasies with your partner

You know everything about your partner, including his or her favourite sleeping position, colour, talk, smile, favourite food, their net worth, liabilities, ATM secret pin numbers, password to their phones, but how much do you know of your partner’s sexual fantasies? What new things they wish to explore in bed with you?

How much is your partner willing to tell you and how much of such information are you willing to digest without judging him or her? Are singles (unmarried) even allowed to voice out their sexual fantasies?

Just imagine your boyfriend or girlfriend starts letting you into what his or her sexual fantasies are; would that amount to too much and irrelevant  information? Or would you prefer they let you find out behind closed doors? What if you become uptight and unable to cope with his or her sexual demands in bed? Would you start assuming he/she is cheating when you don’t meet up with his/her demands?

You have become so predictable that your partner knows your next and every move in bed, to them you are boring, yet you want fun but because you are not sure if your partner would understand, you stick to your regular style, meanwhile your partner is also dying for fun and spontaneity as well, but he/she lets his/her desire sleep since you are not showing his/her green light on trying out new moves.

Do you know you may be married to someone who’s scared of letting you know what and how she wants it in bed? It is very risky most times letting a partner of many years or even little time in on what your sexual fantasies are, the reason sex experts advise couples to be very cautious when revealing their sex fantasies because  “It often backfires,”  According to Wendy Maltz,  a sex therapist and co-author of the book Private Thoughts: The Power of Women’s Fantasies, there’s a lack of understanding about what it means to share them.

Even when both partners willingly reveal their sex fantasies to one another, there’s no guarantee that the outcome will be a positive meeting of the minds or bodies. “It’s shaky ground for a relationship. It can really enhance the sexual experience, or destroy it. It can make people very uptight and anxious,” she says.

To buttress Maltz’s advice, a married man wanted more from his partner of several years as they grew older, he wanted her to talk dirty to her, he wanted to know what it’s like to have her on the floor, bath tub, spank her bum,  pour milk on her body and lick it all up, put in some icecubes into their mouths and kiss each other till it all melts away, just a few shots of alcohol to loosen her up a bit,  he wanted more than his wife was offering or willing to explore, but he was afraid to voice it out or try it without getting her express permision. He believes his wife is conservative, laid back and too religious. Based on his previous experience with her he feels the day he tells her of his fantasies she may either divorce him or accuse him of cheating on her. He would rather die with his fantasies or go out to get them satisfied by other women than voice them out to his wife or even try anything different with her. His excuse, “the first time I asked her for a BJ, she almost killed me with her reaction and questions. She kept asking who I was listening to or watching? She accused me daily of cheating on her and belonging to a cult, with that display of anger and resentment then I just gave up trying”

As much as you are willing to share your sexual fantasies with your partner and hoping he or she accepts and acts on them, you should also be willing to accommodate your patner’s fantasies and act on them as well, without judging or becoming sexually sadistic.

Rather than becoming sadistic, learn to communicate more with your partner in love and respect, so you can reach a compromise on fantasies you are comfortable with.

Sexual fantasies should be one of those topics singles discuss extensively while courting, though religion frowns at such talks, because it is unholy and corrupts the mind. So also does our culture and tradition,  but discussing this while courting will help  partners understand a little of what to expect behind closed doors and under the sheets, rather than dying in silence or wishing and assuming that your partner should understand. If your partner must take you as you are, then you must tell or show him/her exactly who you are. When your partner knows your sexual needs  and works on them with you, the issue of cheating may never arise.

If your sexual fantasy is to practise all 50 shades of grey moves, once you are married, then it is very important to subtly tell each other the truth, by letting them into your deepest secrets (fantasies), while dating to keep both of your minds prepared for what your desires are before hand, rather than just popping up such desires from nowhere, that leaves him/ her wondering the weirdo  he/she just ended up with.

Partners should communicate more, be less judgy and agree on some things. A sexually satisfied partner is almost always all smiles and happy, he or she ruminates on those moves and relives the experiences, they long to be in each others arms, because that’s where they have their needs met.

Ever wondered why some partners are often unhappy, withdrawn or even hostile to their significant other? The answer may not be far fetched, they may be sexually frustrated because they can’t voice out their desires.

Today, just look deeply into his/her eyes, ask your partner “sweetheart, how do you want it? What are the things you wish we do differently when we have sex?” If you are shy to ask directly, then you may even introduce your partner to this column, then start off the discussion from here, playfully and teasingly ask, “What do you think of what the columnist suggested?” His or her response will encourage your next line of action. You may also just see the other side of your partner you never knew existed.


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May 2018
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