The Sun News

Senator Dino Malayria vs the people

(… Octogenarian Brigadier One Leg Atamuna has driven the 404 station wagon for the past 40 years. That car is like Matilda, his first and only wife. Approaching the hallowed grounds of the National Assembly where he and his select officers have been investigating the case of Senator Malayria Vs. the People, he slowed down to listen to Cardinal Jim Lawson, the Ijaw highlife icon serenade .… “Na you give me name, na you give me name. God bless you, God bless you.” Behind his rickety motorcade is Sergeant Okon Bassey. Okon Bassey, sweltering profusely is riding on a Hercules. He had left his sister’s residence at Nya-nya by 4 a.m, cycling in time for the 10 a.m. Senate verdict of Malayria Vs. the People…)

Brigadier One Leg Atamuna: Col. this is Brigadier Atamuna, the Acting G.O.C. calling the Headquarters. Over! You must produce Major 419 Utueke for the Senate Hearing.

Col. Biko Haram, the GSO: Sir, Major 419 Utueke, the Satellite confirm, has crossed the carpet. He has abandoned your wagon motorcade. Major Utueke joined the Malayria Rolls Royce convoy. They are right behind you.

Sergeant Okon Bassey: Army don spoil! Sir, I left Nya-nya 4 a.m. encountered the major in his hotel by 8 a.m. He was sitting before a barbecue chicken and lamb; guzzling French wine with both hands. Sir, at the other end of the barbecue stand were packs of dollars and euros, burning before naked Indian women. I overheard him calling Major Olakankita Olakankpo when I rushed in….

Major 419 Utueke: Calling Major Olakankita. Over! …. This is Major 419 Utueke in paradise. Major Utueke, the son of Agwu-agwu Nnewi has joined the Cabal. You will, please, on my behalf, advise the rickety convoy of Brigadier Atamuna to go ahead with his investigations. He is wasting his time. The Cabal rules the waves. Immediately I declared for the Cabal, six green eyed Abachaline Indian neck breakers were flown in from Calcutta for my exclusive comfort. As I talk to you, the lead girl, the one with the green eyes is sucking it to me; her name is Pyer-Pyer. All they do all day is to tear up their undies and burn them with dollars and euros. Brigadier Atamuna should, in Jesus name, never find my paradise hold within the Apo estates of the satanic reverie.

Major Olakankpo Olakankita: Major, remember your father’s name and the Combat Regiment’s name are all at stake in this matter. Last week at the hallowed chambers, you were introducing to us the sitting arrangement of the Senators of Rome…

Major 419 Utueke: As a member of the Cabal, I have no qualms giving you more information on the Senators of Rome. After the King of the Jews, next is the fine boy, Senator Hopeless Good Road. This is the Senator of Rome, who brought the world to an end last week, giving out his twin daughters in marriage. For those of you who are jealous of Senator Malayria’s Rolls Royce convoy, come and see cars that look like flotillas the day Senator Hopeless painted Abuja red. Away from Hopeless’ seat is the trending Senator from Y State. Since he came here, his job is to carry and roll on mattresses. From groundnut hawkers to ministers, he does not spare the rod!

Major Olakankpo Olakankita: There is one Senator of Rome that is difficult to place; we don’t know whether he is there or back to the wild west?

Major 419 Utueke: I know who you are talking about. Before I joined the Army I was a 419 kingpin. See how in ten days I am very comfortable in Apo paradise. Half of these Senators of Rome are all my former 419 colleagues; I have no problem talking about them or mixing with them. But, please, I have no comments to make about your man, that charcoal coloured reptile… The Drug Baron America, CIA and FBI are afraid to confront. This is the man, who taught OBJJ some lesson. Please, I am Cabal now with a common sense…. I have a beautiful young wife and after this Abuja assignment, I want to go back to her with my pockets full of diamond. Major Olakankita, I’m not in a hurry to leave this planet.

(The banter between the Majors as reported by the Sergeant was cut off, as Brigadier Atamuna searched his pockets preparatory to taking the dais to deliver his verdict. In his left hand, a copy of Cicero’s complete speeches to the Roman Senate….and on his right was Russell Lowell, the American Poet…. In his shirt pocket, were three lines of Matilda’s note…. “Darling, this is your finest hour and like great moments in history, the world is changed by actors, who came from nowhere and lasted like the Lilly of the summer storm….”

Brigadier One Leg Atamuna: (Finding his way to the Senate dais…) Distinguished Senators, ten days ago, I arrived Abuja to investigate the case of Senator Dino Malayria vs. the People. In the course of our investigations, our team has been deluged with petitions and our eyes in probing this case heard from our ears and our ears have seen our eyes. Senators, my father who fought in Burma during the World War 11 took the Atamuna family to the Far East. As a veteran of the Combat regiment, I have served and seen the world parliament’s debate, deliberate, investigate, and oversee the Executive, move bills and laws to affect the lives of the people. In all my travels round the globe, never have I seen or accosted a Roman Senate like the Senate of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Distinguished Senators, I came to investigate Senator Dino Malayria and on the second week, my Brigade Major fell on the way side and the court has struck my investigation with the malaria parasite. The Cabal going to court makes impossible the pronouncement of my verdict. Whatever, Distinguished Senators of Rome, our country at this time is heading for a brink because of the arrogance of power exhibited by your cabal. Your cabal of hyenas, jackals and barracudas cannot define your constitutional brief. You have abandoned your brief, attacked the budget, converting the senatorial projects to yourselves. You have turned Apo into a satanic paradise.

(….Raising his head and for the first time magically standing on his one leg, Brigadier Atamuna, the Prince from Igala land brought down the hallowed chambers, quoting from Russell Lowes….)

“Once to every man and nation comes the moment to decide in the strife of truth with falsehood, offering each the bloom or the blight. The goats upon the left and the sheep upon the right, for humanity sweeps onward; where today the martyr stands. On the morrow crouches Judas with silver in his hands….”

(There was instant bedlam…. Brigadier Atamuna did not finish the lines when from nowhere the whole chambers, Matilda descended on her husband, embracing and kissing every foot and hand. Behind her was Sergeant Okon Bassey and in tears, holding on to his commander, Major 419 Utueke, at attention, saluted Brigadier Atamuna, the hero of the moment.)


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June 2018
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