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Reasons you should discuss sex before marriage

The holy books forbids pre-marital sex and so does most of our traditions. Such thoughts or even talk is forbidden between singles in some religious circles. While I agree too that pre-marital sex should be shunned, I am of the opinion that it will not be out of place for intending couples to talk about certain aspects of sex while dating. This is to help them ascertain if they are also sexually compatible amongst other things.

We can choose to lie to ourselves, but it is true that many intending couples engage in pre-marital sex, but there are also some people at the other end of the spectrum that want to wait until after they are pronounced husband and wife before they have sex, even though they may not be virgins.

Whatever your views and preferences may be, it is important to be able to have a frank and open discussion with whoever you are courting. Sex may not be the most important aspect of a relationship, but it is very important to many people, so it is something worth discussing.

Be open and honest with your answers. Discussing this does not include your insecure partner asking you how many men or women you have slept with, which is known as body count. I am talking about sexual needs that can possibly wreck your marriage.

If you are thinking of marriage with someone, it also means you are sexually attracted to that person. Talking about sexual expectations does not in any way translate to sex when properly guided. If you don’t feel you know them well enough to have that intimate conversation, then it’s probably a problem.

Many intending couples have expectations that are very salient, yet left unspoken, they enter into marriage and become disappointed and frustrated once their expectations are not met.

There is no sense in shying away from talking about your sexual needs.You should be able to find out how often your partner would like to have sex, will it be a daily affair, weekly or twice in a month etc, but this is entirely different if he or she is still a virgin and don’t know their sexual strength yet.

I know a six month marriage that packed up because the wife insisted on having sex every day. Her husband who couldn’t cope any longer confronted her and she told him point blank that if he’s unable to make love to her every day, then he should get ready because she must get it outside. He filed for divorce immediately.

Even though these two might be having sex constantly while dating, they didn’t discuss sex-related issues. Their marriage crashed on the grounds of sexual incompatibility.

Some women have gotten married to gay men because these men pretended to be straight. After their wedding,  they start insisting on having sex anally. If he had opened up to her while they were courting, she would either accepted him and walk around it or just turn him down.

What happens after wedding and you find out your wife is a lesbian, she actually prefers tongues and fingers to your John Thomas?

What about people who are into self sex? They prefer masturbation to having sex with real humans? What about impotent men, infertile men, over-endowed men that leave their women in pains after sex, one minute men, sex addicts etc who despite knowing their condition, play the gentleman’s card of waiting till after wedding to have sex and their partners are left disappointed and heartbroken.

By discussing these things, people understand better who they are getting married to. Disclosing your sexual needs with your partner prepares them to either help you become a better you or they leave you alone to find who is compatible with you. You don’t assume they will accept you the way you are just because you are already pronounced man and wife.

Talking about who you really are behind closed doors should not be mistaken as advising intending couples to make discussing sex a focal point, instead, it is to point the relationship in a better and safe direction.

When discussing sex, it is better to have such conversations outside, in a public place to avoid distractions. Talking about your sexual needs, strengths and weaknesses is what men and women intending to get married should do.

It is very important that you develop a strong emotional connection before you have an open discussion about sex. If you feel confident that the connection between you is strong and your relationship is moving in the right direction, factor his/her sexual needs in the issues you want to discuss.

Having a sexual past or present struggle is normal. Having a partner that is willing to be with you regardless of your past  is what matters. Let go of past guilts and begin a new journey. No one has a perfect sexual record.

Sex is not a tool for control or manipulation, it is a physical expression of the love and desire you feel for each other. So, keep learning about your partner by talking about it and striving towards each other’s sexual satisfaction. Ignoring this is something you may regret later, and it may be too late by then too.

All married couples deal with their sexual needs in a unique way. They each bring their sexual experiences, struggles and convictions into the relationship, but what one is already aware of keeps them mentally prepared, they don’t feel left in the dark about their partner’s sexuality.

Ladies and gentlemen, when it comes to sex discussions, ask the right questions, and answer honestly too.


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July 2018
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