There is a new movie in town. Well, film freaks who argue that it is just a rehash are correct; considering events leading up to 5th of May, 2010, the day our ‘2007th’ President, Umaru Musa Yar’Adua, who had disappeared from physical radar for quite a while, was announced dead. Apart from change in cast and the fact that this time round no one has died and no one shall die, every other detail of then and now is the same.
But, take nothing from it; this makes delightful viewing, especially if you have a thing for absurdities. The thriller is unique because it is evolving. While shooting happens simultaneously at two locations (Nigeria and London), the directors beam the scenes directly to the watching world. Of course, it’s an ongoing work so it has no title yet; but the central theme, the presidentlessness of Nigeria, keeps the excitement intact. The film combines yesterday and today in a seamless, stylish manner to increase viewer’s anxiety.
If you missed the beginning or any part of the soap-like real-life movie, here’s flashback: ‘like play, like play’ on 19th January, 2017 President Muhammadu Buhari transmits a mail to the National Assembly informing the country that his professorial deputy would act in his stead as he needed to go away on holiday. Apparently relieved that this Katsina man hasn’t followed the other’s example of 2010, a majority applaud him for meeting the routine constitutional expectation. But, a tiny minority – christened wailing wailers – do what they almost always do: Sneer, jeer, pout. Then, PMB gets on an aircraft purportedly bound for London, and quite un-presidentially disappears into thin air.
After a few days of deafening silence from the president and the presidency, a citizen out of genuine concern, mischief or both gets hyper-creative. Breaking news about illness and death flown like a kite, in quick succession, on the social media achieves maximum effect: It startles the taciturn presidency (or frightens them judging by the incoherent concoctions) into one, making a torrent of explanations that say little or nothing; two, taking actions that draw blank; and three, releasing photos that worsen matters. By piecing together what they glean from these reactions, citizens learn that their president is still ‘in London’, and ‘is hale and hearty’.
Good news, right? Wrong, it is good news that is badly received; forcing another round of left-footed reactions by presidential handlers. One of them shocks the nation with his declaration that nobody could force the president to speak while he was on holiday. As the nation toes and froes between home and London like a pendulum, assurances are given that the president would return on schedule. When that D-day finally dawns, the same people who had sworn about its sanctity scramble to manufacture another reason: ‘The president needs a few more days in the United Kingdom so he could collect his test results’. End of Part One.
They said the man was neither ill nor on admission, so what test results are they now talking about? You may have forgotten that Nigerians prefer to run tests at the laboratory, and that sometimes we don’t have to be ill to go for a test. The president may have carried his Nigerianness to London!
Part Two opens in a typical Nigerian way, with simultaneous cacophony and grandstanding on both sides of the divide. While the people do and say all sorts of stuff apparently to blackmail presidential aides concerned to come clean on the health and whereabouts of the president, the latter do what they seem best at: Prevaricate, doublespeak, and generally say annoying things annoyingly in the forlorn hope that the veiled insult would cow or incense the people into disinterest. Of course, the illiterate strategy fails to break the ice. Different persons in the same government blow different tunes: ‘The president is slightly indisposed but is neither in hospital nor in London on medical leave’.
Yet, what was meant to last ten days had at that point exceeded twice more. As the live movie rolls on, a smart journalist corners Lead Presidential Spokesman with the poser, ‘have you spoken directly with the president?’ His response that he only speaks with ‘ADC, CSO, Chief of Protocol and Personal Physician’ who accompanied the president to London, albeit true and frank, shows conclusively that something is wrong somewhere. In any case, why would the mouthpiece of the president not be with him wherever? Isn’t that what should obtain, especially in this type of situation?
Then, the movie enters what looks like a flashback to 2010. Family, political and governmental delegations head to London on some sort of spy mission. Thereafter, photos are released. Claims are made; one being that the president is as fit as a fiddle. Still, the palpable doubt remains. In fact, it grows so much that it gives birth to what I call the question of the century: Why and how would holders of respectable positions in our national government speak in moments of crisis but the citizens never accord them the respect of believability? Our leaders need to work on their integrity.
The next scene is about phone calls. The guys at Aso Rock seem to have a joint orgasm the way they grin over what they say was a phone call by President Donald Trump of the United States to President Buhari. Of course, one shares in the joy of this one phone call; only that the joy is shortlived as one remembers presidency rants that no one could force the president to speak while on holiday nor that there existed any law mandating him to use technology to communicate. Alas, the trump card against those presidential impossibilities came from abroad. Two cards really, because the king of Morroco is said to have dialed also.
Thereafter, our man generates a few calls himself. Nigerians had no problem with that until one of the lead supporting-acts gleefully announces online that he too had received the call. No pun intended, but this comic relief helps to end this part on a high; what with information that the president didn’t call him by the usual name he always does, and that he also thanked him for holding out against mischief makers. But, how are those concerned for their president mischief makers?
Now to Part Three, the present. Just when presidency announce that their man would take a few more days before returning, the man himself is quoted to have asked Nigerians not to expect him back soon, which sounds more like it. Suddenly, that pumps blood into the system or into the acting president. So much starts to happen, which gives hope that the change we voted for is in the wings. Even the naira is gaining strength. May this movie end well. God bless Nigeria!