The Sun News

Now that our president is well again (2)

When the first part of this series was published last week, many readers called to protest the non-inclusion of several other important developments.

They forget that the enormity of these problems can make a sick man get sicker.

In fact, Oga PMB, if I tell you half of what these troublemakers wanted me to tell you, you’ll not want to return again – or if you do return, you’d take ill almost immediately and fly back to London again. God forbid bad thing! Not when one busybody even swore by the red butt of Yankari baboons that she dreamt that, like Napoleon Bonaparte, you were being poisoned instalmentally. But I will never tell you such a thing. Tufiakwa!

What you deserve to be hearing now is only good news. You should hear that, in spite of the recalcitrant senators, Ibrahim Magu is still in charge at EFCC. And the anti-graft war is on course. It does not matter that you, Mr. President, are probably the only one fighting this corruption war with all your heart. Others are taking care of other interests, while mouthing the slogan.

Oga, I don’t have immunity, so I won’t name names.

Your Excellency, I know they would have told you sweet tales about how the economy is bouncing back. You must have heard that inflation has climbed down from 18% to 16%. Very sweet to the ear! Even as the price of tuwo has refused to come down.

Please, sir, if Godwin Emefiele, Kemi Adeosun and Audu Ogbeh tell you that the economy is growing, believe them. It’s good for your health – and sanity too.

If Ogbeh regales you with tales of how we’re now exporting yams and making plenty of dollars, just congratulate him. Don’t ask him if we have enough yams to eat at home. Don’t also ask him why he’s thumping his chest for exporting raw farm produce without adding any value. Just believe!

And when the people you put in charge of trade and foreign investments tell you foreign investors are falling over themselves to come to Nigeria, just believe. Don’t probe any further – or you might not like the answers you’ll get. Don’t ask them why those who were already in the country are running away.

Of course, I know none of them would have told you anything about what they did to Etisalat, EMTS or whatever they call themselves. Even me, I don’t really know.

All my layman brain tells me is that all those who made so much noise about bringing foreign capital into Nigeria arrived our shores without a dime. They went to our local banks and mopped up all the little deposits we poor Nigerians had been blackmailed into saving with the banks (instead of under our mattresses and in septic tanks). The same funds for which the banks would ask for both your birth and death certificates before they agree to lend you at 46% interest – that’s if you’re lucky. These same banks gave the funds (in unsecured loans) to Indians, Arabs, Asians and their Nigerian collaborators. They took the money to fund their abominable lifestyles and diverted the rest into other businesses – both within and outside Nigerian shores, leaving Etisalat still gasping for funds. Today, all the banks are in the hole to the tune of trillions of naira and billions of dollars. And just as the bubble was bursting, the ‘foreign investors,’ having brought nothing into the country ab initio, dusted their butts and baled out – with the same briefcase they had come in the first place.

Now, CBN is breathing fire and smoke from its nostrils, as if it never knew what was going on from the onset. I’m sure, very soon, they’ll ask AMCON to mobilise another tranche of taxpayers’ money to bail them out. Undoubtedly, this country is indeed the private estate of a few individuals who are only out of jail simply because they are in possession of the keys to the jailhouse.

But dear President, I shouldn’t bother you with all these details, since your detractors alleged that you might not understand – having never run a real business with a proper P&L report, let alone, a balance-sheet. Of course, I know this is a big lie, because I heard, on Radio Biafra, that it was your modesty and unwillingness to show off that prevented you taking your Daura cattle farm to the stock exchange. Abi?

Sir, while you were still in the hospital theatre, Ndigbo, IPOB and Arewa Youths threatened each. They have since passed the baton of secession to the Niger Deltans and the Yoruba Liberation Command. So, I’m sorry to inform you, sir, that it’s not only Nnamdi Kanu you’ll have to grapple with whenever you return.

Sir, let me also inform you that, in your absence, we used a few dozens of your citizens to offer human sacrifice to the goddess of Lake Chad – so the deities would allow us discover crude oil there.

Yes! In this age, when the rest of the world is setting deadlines to stop using fossil oil, we’re still killing ourselves over crude oil.

Yes! Even the University of Maiduguri that should by now be offering  six-credit-load courses on terrorism, suicide bombing and guerrilla warfare has developed a death-wish, insisting on searching for oil in Boko Haram ‘territory’. The Army encouraged the misadventure, and the NNPC, I’m told, funded it. Just when did we all become this suicidal?

I’m just confused! I guess that’s why I know nothing about military strategy.

Mr. President, I leave that to you, since that is your forte.

But, have you heard that Bukola Saraki’s Senate voted against restructuring Nigeria? I don’t know what directives you gave your own senators about how to vote, but many people are angry o!

‘Progressives’ in the South (including governors) are kicking. Curiously, many of them are also angry that the NASS voted to give autonomy to the local government councils.

Somehow, governors want to take some powers off the Centre, but don’t want to cede any powers to the councils. Curious, right?

Now, many governors are set to ensure LG autonomy never scales through their state assemblies. I suspect they’ll succeed. If the state lawmakers could, for a mess of pottage, vote against their own autonomy, to please the governors, then, for practically nothing, they will surely vote against any autonomy for the councils.

In fact, very soon, I expect council chairmen to march to NASS and formally declare that they don’t want autonomy. I’m sure the NUT would also join them.

We would then be left with only the core local government employees (NULGE) to fight the war for local government autonomy. And it is understandable; they feel the pain directly. And like I’ve always maintained in this column each time public officials clash this way: forget the turenci, just follow the money. For that is what is at the bottom of it all.

Mr. President, please, come back soon and save us from all these people playing pseudo-presidents (both in your presence and in your absence).


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1 Comment

  1. Agbogashi 2nd August 2017 at 10:41 am

    My thumbs up for you for your usual hilarious articles.

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