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Nigerian wives: The good, the bad and the ugly

Nigerian women are very beautiful, resourceful as well as energetic. Many of them are men pleasers and they would go to every length to please their men, even if it will cost them their lives.  Well, do I blame them? Of course I don’t. Most of us have been exposed to sexism with our parents playing a big role.  Boys are the special specie while the girl-child is an afterthought. The male child is raised to be superior and the girl to be submissive. 

So, the end result of this is that we have created a generation where men are largely sexist and women also celebrate this and act in ways that encourage it.

However, I won’t be dwelling much on how the girl-child is being treated unjustly, I will be looking at the end product of the girl- child living now as a wife in a Nigerian home. I will be critically looking at the effects of sexism on her life as a wife. Is she performing her wifely duties as she was raised by her parents? Did she rebel along the line? Or she found herself along the line and decided to balance her role as a wife? All these will unfold as we check out different categories of the Nigerian wife.

The career wife

Her job comes first, and then every other thing follows. These are women with two or more degrees whose take home pay is out of this world. There is a probability she even earns more than her husband. The career wife comes home late and lives her baby at the crèche all day. Sometimes, her nanny takes her child home, because she couldn’t pick him on time. She gets her cook to make all the meals, because even during weekends when she is home, she is either on the phone or on the laptop.  She holds strong feminist views and believes household chores should be split equally; after all you are both working. She believes, if you are splitting bills with her, why can’t you split house chores too? However, if hubby insists he can’t, she gets a maid and they both split the bills. The career wife believes that you guys are partners in the marriage.  She has a valid answer to all your arguments. She is assertive, well educated, ambitious and informed. If you are not super intelligent, there is a high probability she will be dissatisfied with you. The only men who can manage her well are successful, intelligent and well exposed.

The trophy wife

She is the most expensive of all his acquired property and her primary duty is to be shown off to friends and family members. The trophy wife is usually young and attractive. She doesn’t have a job but she never worries about money. She is well known by all the luxury shoppers and designers in Nigeria. Her account is magically credited every month end and when she shops, she doesn’t bother to look at the price tag. She rarely sees her husband and she probably doesn’t know where he is at the moment. Hubby feels guilty about neglecting her, so when he comes home, he lavishes her with expensive gifts. Often times, she is alone and miserable but the money, vacation and luxuries make a lot of sense too.

The cheat

She is simply insatiable in bed. No matter all the bedmatics her husband does to please her, his penis is not just enough for her vagina. So, she has to look for people who will assist him do the job well. This wife sleeps with everything with a third leg and Mrs. serial cheat has many reasons for doing this. She blames her husband for not giving her enough attention and for not being good in bed.  Sometimes, she even has no reason for cheating; she just keeps finding herself in between sheets with other men. She thinks her umbilical cord must have been eaten by a dog and no amount of pleadings from her husband can take make this go away.

The clingy wife

Wife clingy is the typical “me and my husband” wife. Her husband is her all and so no one dares comes in between them. Her mother- in-law is her archenemy and she has chased all her in-laws and husband’s friends away.  Madam clingy is always calling and texting hubby to know his whereabouts and if she doesn’t return her calls she becomes upset and suspicious. If she sees him with another woman, she breaks the television and bursts his tyres.  She constantly uploads selfies and all their activities together on social media.

Wife clingy doesn’t believe her husband needs time alone or time to hang out with the boys. They must always be together showing superfluous lovey dovey stuff to the whole world.  She is constantly seeking his approval and agrees with all he says.

Baby machine

The more children she has, the more her husband’s love for her will wax stronger.  This type of woman is presently in 1948 and unfortunately there are no farmlands where these children will be useful. Madam baby factory believes that family planning is evil and everywoman, who does it, is looking for the wrath of God. Even if getting to eat three square meals daily is a struggle, she has to give birth to all the gifts God has planted in her womb. Who knows which child will become the future Nigerian president?

The Barbie doll

This is the enchantress; she has a kind of attractiveness that provokes lust. She is exciting and glamorous. Her nails are always looking pretty and her skin glows like the sun. Her clothes, nails, shoes and body are always on “fleek”. She is a diet freak, on keto today and tomorrow running on the treadmill to keep her figure 8. She is the “slay queen” of all times and she is a horrible cook. Cooking and washing dishes will only ruin her expensive manicure. House chores are not her thing and even when the toilet reeks and the sitting room is clumsy she doesn’t care. All she cares about is looking good and wearing the latest clothes.

Sex goddess

She is the encyclopedia of the art of sensual pleasures. She knows all the sexual moves and can give it to her man anywhere. The sex goddess doesn’t care if it is in the car, on the beach or in the kitchen. A sudden visit to her husband in the office means a quickie or blowjob on the boardroom table. Even if she is a bad cook, all she needs to do is to flutter her eyelashes and hubby is ready to throw his mother’s egusi soup through the window while he swallows her salty ogbono like it is the best thing that he has ever eaten. She has the remote control and presses his mumu button any time it pleases her. All his family members think she has fed their son with love potion, but they are all wrong, she is only giving him great sex.

Lazy wife

She is the one I call NFA (No Future Ambition) and her ultimate ambition in life is being Mrs. She spends all her time watching Africa Magic and Telemudo. She knows the latest gossip on the street and fights everybody in her compound with wrappers tied round her waist. Madam Lazy knows how hubby is struggling to pay all the bills and she won’t lift a finger to help. She loves to borrow matches and groundnut oil from her neigbours. When kerosene finishes she has to wait for oga to bring money before cooking continues.

Mother in Israel

She is the tongue-speaking and demon-chasing wife and day in day out she is always in the church.   Oh, how she loves her hats and scarves.  Her mbeke blouses and long flowing skirts hide all her curves. Make up, weaves and jewelry are from the queen of the coast. No doubt, she is a great cook and has won several medals from cooking competitions. She has magical powers that can turn one derica of rice into something sumptuous and feed five thousand just like Jesus did. If you tell her she needs to ask her husband for help once in a while, she’ll say you need to be delivered from the demonic spirits of feminism. How dare you tell her to share house chores with her Lord? Dear hubby of mother in Israel, respect yourself o! Never ask for any sexual escapades, other than missionary style.   

The perfect wife

She is her husband’s best friend and they have common goals. She shares whatever is going on in heart with him and doesn’t keep secrets. She is sensitive and sensible too. The perfect wife keeps the environment at home healthy, makes sure the children are well attended to and cooks good food. Also, she respects her in-laws. The perfect wife shares, discuses and find solutions to problems jointly with her husband. Even with a thriving career, she makes sure she balances everything.

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