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Nigerian husbands: The good, the bad and the ugly

Inner voice: Bolatito what kind of topic is this now; the one they abused you two weeks ago is not enough?

Me: I don’t care, I only speak the truth and nothing but the truth.

Inner voice: You have started again; you know some readers were asking you if you are married because of all the evil things you wrote. Some even said you are a miserable spinster who needs to go wash her head at the bar beach for cleansing, so that she can get a good husband.

Me: That is their cup of tea; you see the problem with some Nigerians is that they weren’t in class when they were taught comprehension in English language. So, do I blame them?

Inner voice: Stop teaching all these Nigerian women bad things; repent.

Me: I have heard you; this is a clarion call I must heed. Nigerian marriages have to be reborn. Everyone must be treated fairly. Then we will all live happily ever after!

So, back to the main matter, I will be discussing different kinds of Nigerian husbands. They come in different shapes and sizes.  We have the tall, dark and handsome husbands whose cheeks are like they were finely carved. Their noses are perfect. Oh, check out their kissable lips, they are usually slightly full, you know the kind that end in a cute little smirk at the corners. These husbands are like they walked out of a GQ magazine, they are hot and sizzling.

Some Nigerian husbands also have firm frames with beautiful eyes and average height. They can be fair or dark with dimples in their cheeks. These men are fashionable with great abs. Their breath is like steaming hot bath water as it brushes through your nostrils and their cologne is as strong as midnight sex.

There are also those you wouldn’t look twice who ended up with beautiful wives. The husband with an ugly scowl on his forehead, the one with bloodshot eyes with bushy bristling eye brows.

The husband whose teeth are in total disarray with callous big lips and a fusion of malice and sadness in his countenance.

I won’t be dwelling on physical features, I only wanted you to know that all these husbands cut across all social strata and no matter how good looking or ugly they are, they have one or two of these traits. So, in the view of these, men and wives can find the category which they belong to.

The bully

He is lord of the rings in his home. The alpha and the omega in the house and no one dares say anything contrary to what he says. He is the daddy who wants to eat pounded yam for breakfast. I’m not talking about poundo yam or the one you grind with the machine. His wife must pound it in the mortar and sweat it all out. I think he just enjoys eating pounded yam laced with his wife’s sweat. It seals the bond between them. His wife must cook a fresh pot of soup everyday even if she is the MD of a bank. If he eats the soup cooked yesterday from the freezer, it will purge him and his wife must use the grinding stone to grind pepper.  You know the stew will taste better when you grind pepper and tomatoes on a stone. This Nigerian husband thinks washing machine won’t wash his clothes clean, so his beloved wife must wash them with her hands. His wife is his slave and so all her dreams should be centered on how she will make the best edikangikong soup ever.

The bully hubby will never let his wife outshine him and if she tries, she becomes a competitor. To him, women are second-class citizens that should be trampled upon. If you are rising quickly up the ladder in your career, it means you have only slept your way through. God help you and if you try arguing with him intelligently to make him see reasons, he will beat you to a pulp. Madam, I know you understand, he is only correcting you and that is what a loving husband does.

Hubby clingy

Initially, he was the dream husband who will open doors for you and even carry your bag for you at functions. But he is the most insecure man ever. The hubby clingy goes about sobbing and sniffing every single minute he sees you with another man. He doesn’t want to know if he is your boss, cousin or brother. You are his world and he should be the only one in your life.  With the clingy hubby, you cannot travel out of your station for any official assignment. You have killed him; because you must have slept with every man you met on your way, most especially your boss. Dear hubby is a truckload of conflicting emotions and he might be violent at times.

Daddy leech

He lives in Lekki or Ikoyi and he drives a Buggatti on a hundred thousand salary. He wears all the expensive designers and goes on luxurious vacations. Hubby leech will be the first to post his many rides on the yacht with his beautiful wife. He is all vain but empty, on a zero salary and fine boy no pimples status. The secret of his wealth is not money rituals or drugs, he lives on his wife. He doesn’t care how she pays the kids’ tuition fees or the house rent; all he cares about is his faworaja status. He has no shame and he would readily call you during a hard day’s job for credit on his phone, or money to fuel his car. This Nigerian husband showers you with love in return for your wealth, but if he is not getting great sex at home he will go elsewhere. He loves great sex adventure like a threesome, visiting sex clubs and uses his wife’s money to satiate his habits.  He has many failed businesses to his credit. Dear wife, you better stop wasting your money on him, he is all big dreams and has no pragmatic ways of achieving them.

Daddy flirt

He flirts with every woman on the planet, his receptionist, the IT girl in his office, housemaid, cleaner, the stranger at the bus stop, even your relations and friends are not spared.

You are the only who knows the countless infections you have treated.  But what can you do? You can only pray the adultery demon out of him and when next he comes back home for sex, you spread your ankara on the bed and you allow him again. After all, he paid your bride price what is my own now? However, in case you have forgotten, remember you have been saying this same prayer point for over 20 years but the demons are growing in number and you’re still treating STDs. I pray daddy flirt will not infect you with HIV/AIDS before you snap out of it.

Mummy’s boy

He is tied to his mother’s apron and has refused to grow up. This husband can’t do anything without asking his mum about it. His mum dictates the number of times he sleeps with you and number of children you must have, after all mother knows best. If he were given an option to either go have a picnic with you at the beach or go do laundry for his mum, he would probably choose pleasing his mum. If you are married to this kind of man, be best of friends with his mum; no matter how much his mum irritates you, get close to her. If you refuse to heed my advice be ready for world war III.

Daddy G.O

Hallelujah, prayer works wonders! Before you have sex, you will pray and speak in tongues. For daddy G.O, oral sex is a big sin, doggy style is forbidden and squat style is from the pit of hell. If you try anything other than missionary style, then you need deliverance. Do you moan and say dirty words during sex? Blood of Jesus! You must be on your way to perdition. What an unrepentant prostitute you must be!  You have to stay still while having sex and it will be holy and accepted way for our daddy in the lord.

Caring husband

This is the perfect Nigerian husband who cares for his family. He is always physically and emotionally available. To the perfect husband, being “man of the house” doesn’t mean more than being “woman of the house.” He treats you as a partner in everything. He makes you feel beautiful even on days you feel down. He knows that he has just as much responsibility to satiate and nurture his children as his wife does. He has his eyes only on his wife. If your husband loves and respects his mother, chances are, he’s an all over perfect husband. You come before the kids, friends and his job. The perfect husband cultivates trust in his relationship. He communicates openly and never leaves you questioning his integrity.

Dear Nigerian husband, which category do you belong? Be honest about your answers. Next week, watch out for Nigerian wives, the good, the bad and the ugly.

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