Since I wrote here two weeks ago the piece titled, ‘is your wife still with you?’ I have received tons and tons of rejoinders, from those who agree with my views and plenty of requests from those who want me to balance the equation. So here am I with the other side of the story…
Now, it is easier for a husband to get lost than it is to lose a wife. Don’t we all know that men love to wander? And all wanderers are liable to get lost. So, even when a wife is trying to keep her husband, the man is also working very hard to get lost. Men love adventure. They love hunting even in forests of a thousand demons. They love to spice their lives with all kinds of varieties even though I have warned them several times that variety is the poison of life. Men are also the only specie of creation that prefer not to learn from other men’s mistakes. See, if a man dies in active service because he took Viagra to perform a threesome, his friends will be sober for a few weeks but you can bet they will try the stuff at some point down the road.
Anyways, that preamble is to illustrate how strong men are when it comes to what they are determined to do. And getting lost is one of those things they do. Again, I am one of those women who do not believe that a man needs any excuse to fling his staff of office in any direction, or engage in extra curricular activities. Men just do it. It is some kind of sports that is yet to be listed at the Olympics.
So what do all these teach us?
Many wives have no husbands. Their husbands left them a long time ago. They are just strutting all over the place pretending to have husbands. Only women wearing these particular shoes know how it feels to be married and yet not have husbands. It usually starts with just a trip and then another and another after that and the man gets lost either in transit or is kidnapped. By another woman or a group of other women. Wives know what I’m talking about.
That is why wives have a lot of work to do. And I am not just talking about good housekeeping and culinary prowess. There is so much more, otherwise you are just another member of Husbandless Wives Union.
Take Ken’s case for instance. He was attending a professional retreat and after the business of the day, he retired to his hotel room for the night with this pretty young thing with legs that had his colleagues’ eyes popping out of their sockets. He winked at them and retreated into the sweet bosom of the girl. When at 11am the following morning, Ken had still not returned to the ‘land of the living’ from his retreat, his friends started calling both his cellphone and intercom. They were finally able to rouse him after some time. The girl had used and overused him. Ken was deliciously tired and he told his worried friends that he had just had one of the best nights of his life.
‘That girl was something else. She took me to cloud nine and back so many times I lost count.’ Ken told his friends, grinning.
‘I pity you o, ol’ boy, what will you tell your wife if she asks for her right when you get home tonight? You look like you’ll need help getting on the plane as it is.’ A colleague mocked him.
Here is Ken’s reply.
‘There is no problem about that. My wife loves me in little doses. Just a few minutes of missionary work and she is okay. It is these girls that one needs a lot of energy for. And my wife may not need me at all this week which gives me enough time to recover from my ‘journey ‘.
So, if you are like Ken’s wife, your husband’s shadow is what you are living with. If you are young and your husband is young and you leave him to go hunting unhindered, you need to see a shrink. Unless you or your husband is ill, a full week without sex is not right. How can you sleep under the same roof and not… I don’t understand. What kind of wife does short missionary journeys all the time such that the man feels safe to go on a binge outside?Every wife, I repeat, every wife must watch out for when her husband has been done and overdone outside. And that is the time to strike. Ask for your right. You are the true licensed owner of that man and all the megawatts he’s packing. If you suspect that he has become a petrol attendant with his nozzle, ask for a full tank. If he has been selling all day, the nozzle will not work, confirming your suspicion. Fuss and fret, tell him he may need to see the doctor. Work up a few tear drops. All these are supposed to embarrass and teach him a lesson on how not to exhaust all his bullets outside.
In other words, a wife who neglects her conjugal duties is putting up her husband for sale. Sure you may not have the energy of a 20-year-old all the time but you must make him look forward to time in your arms. Titillate and tantalise him. If you let him wander until he gets lost, you would have disappointed God, and me.
In these days of equal opportunities, many wives have lost their husbands in their quest for success. Sure you still live together and attend the occasional party wearing the same aso ebi but the modern wife is more in love with her career or business than she is with her husband. All her spare time is spent moving from meetings to seminars and conferences so she can make partner of her law firm before she is forty. She’s in Italy and Spain in March, UK and U.S in June, the other months are shared between Dubai and China. The husband will soon find solace in one leggy sweet sixteen who is at his beck and call round the year, teaching him bad bad things even during his lunch break in the office.
My darling sister, that your husband is not complaining is not a sign of support for your career, he probably has moved on, from being your husband to being a good neighbour.
If he no longer sulks at your frequent official trips, he probably has found solace in the bosom of an available babe who gives him a massage every night.
So, what do you think, is your husband still your husband or is he just a nice neighbour now?