The Sun News » Funke Egbemode - Voice of The Nation Sat, 29 Aug 2015 20:31:23 +0000 en-US hourly 1 The god of Eve and Eva Sun, 23 Aug 2015 00:02:25 +0000 THE convertible anus. Taking coffee with alum. I must first admit that my knowledge of psychia­try is non-existent. My knowledge of psychology is limited to the undergraduate courses I did in that department for six semesters. But I can thumb my chest as far as my O’ level biology is concerned. I even passed it [...]]]>

THE convertible anus.
Taking coffee with alum.

I must first admit that my knowledge of psychia­try is non-existent. My knowledge of psychology is limited to the undergraduate courses I did in that department for six semesters. But I can thumb my chest as far as my O’ level biology is concerned. I even passed it with a sound credit. Ask Mr Biodun Akinlaja, my biology teacher in secondary school.

I don’t know if today’s students still clutch their Stone and Cozens and Modern Biology like we used to, like our lives depend on them, but I re­member quite well that the topic digestive system in Stone and Cozens was perhaps the longest one, next to flowering plants, which I hated. I simply couldn’t relate to leaves cooking food (photosyn­thesis) and trees having babies. It was one of the reasons I became an art student even though I was doing well in the sciences. I couldn’t understand how anybody could multiply two alphabets and get an answer, like 2x –y=3(x-y). Oh please!

I couldn’t just relate to such stuff. And it is still the same way with me till today. If it is abstract, I can’t connect with it. That brings to mind this same-sex marriage thing. I cannot, do not under­stand it. How for instance do two men have sex? For me, that is as complicated as X multiplied by Y. Those who are more knowledgeable than me said two gays will have anal sex. That means sex through the anus. Anus, the same one my biology teacher told me is for passing faeces and which I have found to be true? Every human being has anus. When did it then become a sex organ, genitalia? You see my confusion? When you shift the goal post like that, you confuse people like me. So I went on the internet to find out when the anus was allocated extra duties and here’s what I found:

‘The anus is an opening at the opposite end of an animal’s digestive tract from the mouth. Its func­tion is to control the expulsion of faeces, unwanted semi-solid matter produced during digestion, which, depending on the type of animal, may be one or more of: matter which the animal cannot di­gest food material after all the nutrients have been extracted, for example cellulose or lignin; ingested matter which would be toxic if it remained in the digestive tract; and dead or excess gut bacteria and other endosymbionts.’

Well, the anus is still what Mr Akinlaja said it was all those years ago. But wait for this. Wikki­pedia has this addition; ‘amphibians, reptiles, and birds use the same orifice for copulation and egg-laying; this orifice is known as the cloaca.’

Now, I am more confused. Does this mean those who ‘copulate’ through the anus want to lay eggs? And are they now amphibians and reptiles like toads and agama lizard? This same sex thing is headache-inducing.

As I was looking for a pain killer for the building headache, my friend, Segun told me not to bother myself, that the modern anus is a convertible. At that point, my head started pounding. Is the anus now a car, a convertible?

As if all that confusion was not confusing enough, one of my colleagues said homosexuals are created like that by God. Holy Ghost Fire! What God, the One who made Adam and Eve and ensured that the penis does not look like the vagina? The God who gave men balls and women ovaries? Someone tell me I’m not an accessory to blasphemy. Because what keeps coming to my mind is some people finally discovered the mistake God made. Father in heaven, I’m not one of those who have concluded that You, the Almighty not only didn’t know what you were doing in the Gar­den of Eden, but also that you made a mistake. I just came back from Israel and I saw the remains of Lot’s wife, the ruins of Sodom and Gomorrah. So when you decide to recreate Sodom and Gomorrah, God grant some people time to escape. Do not visit the sins of those with convertible anus on all of us.

Why would some people decide that what God wanted to do in the Garden of Eden was create Steve and Steve not Adam and Eve? It is frighten­ing o, that two women want to marry each other. Two women who have no balls, just uteruses. Yes men can be tiresome, what with gonorrhoea and so on, but for two women to join hands and heart to call God a liar? Is that foolhardiness or unquantifi­able stupidity?

Pardon me, the ramifications of this same sex marriage is huge and that makes it hugely confus­ing. In other Sodom and Gomorrahs where same sex unions have been allowed, the ‘unionists’ (I refuse to call them couples) have moved forward to adopting babies. Yes, two men want to play daddy and mummy after calling God a liar. Why should those who claim a certain god created two men to get married, have sex through the anus want to have babies? What is the poor child of two ho­mosexuals going to call the two men who adopted him, daddy and daddy or mummy and mummy? How is the poor confused thing going to relate with his friends in kindergarten? How is he going to introduce them to his friends in college; Jide meet my two mums? Do you see a new generation of confused children?

Where does the god of homosexuals meet the God ‘who created them male and female and com­manded that they should multiply and replenish the earth?’ it can’t be the same God who decided that it was not good for a man to be alone and went on to put Adam to sleep, took a rib from him to create Eve, not another Adam or a Steve. I’m just wonder­ing where this other god lives and where he created Eve and Eva , Steve and Steve. He certainly wasn’t in the Garden of Eden. Oh no, he must have been in some den, counterfeiting what was done in Eden.

That must also be where Paedophiles came from, I think. Those ones also say they were born like that. Hmmmn, a 36-year-old man sees a six-year-old in her pretty pink dress and gets sexually aroused. A 30-year-old finds a three-year-old in flowery pampers sexy and he says he can’t help himself. Psychiatrists say it is a disease of the mind and paedophiles need help. I concur. I just want the other patients to submit themselves for treatment. It will be unfair to deny these other people treatment.

As for Britain threatening to withdraw its aids to Nigeria, there is a way around that. We can’t call their bluff because we are cripples who need the handout. But in the spirit of bilateral relations, my suggestion is we ship all intending same sex union­ists to Britain. They can all go get married and live there. That way, we would have allowed homosex­ual Nigerians have their ways while also donating them generously to the people who love them.

Now, let no Steve think I’m saying he can’t kiss his bride, Miss Steve, I’m only trying to understand what this is all about. But if your son asks for alum to drink his tea, instead of sugar, you’d be worried, wouldn’t you?

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A meal for Mediterranean fishes Sun, 16 Aug 2015 01:16:20 +0000 IN November 2013, BBC ran a shocking story captioned “I buried my family.” It was a story of 14-year-old girl called Shafa. Shafa cheated death (miraculously) in Sahara desert after burying her two sisters and mother –they died of intense heat and dehydration. Little Shafa and family weren’t alone, but among the passengers (numbering more [...]]]>

IN November 2013, BBC ran a shocking story captioned “I buried my family.” It was a story of 14-year-old girl called Shafa. Shafa cheated death (miraculously) in Sahara desert after burying her two sisters and mother –they died of intense heat and dehydration.

Little Shafa and family weren’t alone, but among the passengers (numbering more hundred) of two lorries bound to Algeria from Niger Republic. “We are on our way to visit our family members,” the poor girl said, but from all indication, they were on a run –trying to leave behind a woeful existence for opportu­nities in Algeria and possibly Spain.

But they didn’t enter Algeria much less Spain. Their drivers turned back on seeing Algerian forces-“they didn’t want to be caught carrying us since it was illegal,” poor Shafa observed. En route back to Niger, their trucks ran out of fuel and the drivers after extorting fuel money from them vanished. Passengers of more than a hundred were trapped in Sahara desert. “We waited for two days –no food, no water –before we decided to start walking.” Eighteen made it back home and raised the alarm but before anything was done, ninety-two migrants had already transmogrified into decomposing corpses. Their belated rescu­ers couldn’t help but to offer them a Muslim burial.

The story of Shafa came to mind because of the pervading cum nauseating culture of deafening silence on the part of African lead­ers on what could be called a weekly report from Mediterranean Sea –where many African youths in quest for greener pasture in Europe ignorantly make themselves a perfect meal for sea lives.

Why this spike in migration through Sahara desert and Mediterranean Sea? And why are African youths so desperate to leave Africa? Answering these questions will offer us a per­fect analysis of how politics and government have degenerated in the continent.

If governments are working, that is ‘doing for the people what they cannot do for them­selves,’ no African youths will fancy leaving their country let alone through Sahara desert and with derelict ship over Mediterranean. What this is telling us is simple: leadership failure!

Africans are fleeing Africa because of the vi­cious circle of poverty ravaging the continent. They are fleeing because of the staggering level of unemployment hitting their countries. They are fleeing because their governments lack the vision needed to transform Africa to a better place.

The environment is configured to suit and serve the needs of the elite class and their cronies. Ordinary man in Africa is just a mere pawn in the political chessboard. So tell me why there won’t be migration spike?

Africa is no longer conducive for youths. Everything -virtually everything- is in a state of disarray. No African youth will ever decline any opportunity to leave this continent that our leaders have associated with backwater.

What do you expect from a youth from Bu­rundi –where Pierre Nkurunziza is running an illegitimate government –to do when he heard that he could make it to Spain if he makes to Algeria through the Sahara? What do you expect from a youth from Zimbabwe –where god Mugabe reigns –to do when he heard that a ship can take him to Italy only if he could make it to Libya? Or a Nigerian youth – a country in which ninety percent of her youths are potential migrants – who is so convinced of making it Italy if he enters Libya? Or a youth from the failed state of Libya that does not need to cross the Sahara desert? What do you expect of them?

Each month –nowadays weeks–able and energized African youths leave their families, friends and relations and embark on a perilous journey to Europe through Sahara desert and Mediterranean. Many die or were even killed by traffickers in the Sahara; dozens drown in Mediterranean and a few make it to Europe – some even get deported. That’s the plight of an African youth.

According to the United Nations High Com­mission for Refugees (UNHCR), 25,000 people fled to Italy from North Africa in 2005, the number dwindled to 9,575 in 2009. In 2011, the figure rose to 61,000 and skyrocketed to 130,000 in 2014.

African leaders are uninterested in these reports because they are suffering what Barbara Tuchman dubbed ‘woodheadedness.’ Is it not scaring that no emergency meeting has been called by AU to consider the matter? Is it not appalling that no campaign has been started by AU to deescalate this spike? Seriously, Africa needs regeneration.

That said, African youths should come to grips that it is only a fool that finds solution in running away from his problem. Africa’s problem centered squarely on leadership and it can only be solved by African youths –so why running away?

Also, wearing the cloaks of hard work and contentment will do! The mentality for what we Igbo dubbed ‘ego mbute (sharp sharp mon­ey)’ should be jettisoned. You must not travel to Europe or Americas to make it –if Dangote made it in Nigeria, you too can make it here!

European Burden

One interesting but paradoxical aspect of this migration spike is the crisis it is generating in Europe. European leaders are complaining about this unprecedented influx in immigration forgetting that you cannot beat a child and at the same time prevent him from crying. They are reaping what they sowed –if Gaddafi was alive, the Libyan route wouldn’t have been this porous.


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Conversation between Jonathan and his aide Sat, 08 Aug 2015 23:12:23 +0000 YOU know you can trust me to bring you hot gists, fresh from the oven? Swear that you have not wondered what former President Goodluck Jonathan is doing with his days. See, you can’t. Have you not also wished you knew how his former aides are doing with President Buhari threatening to probe the last [...]]]>

YOU know you can trust me to bring you hot gists, fresh from the oven? Swear that you have not wondered what former President Goodluck Jonathan is doing with his days. See, you can’t. Have you not also wished you knew how his former aides are doing with President Buhari threatening to probe the last administration? Like a good servant-writer, I bring you a slice of the cake…

Good morning, your excellency.

Good morning, what are you doing here so early in the day? It’s not my birthday, is it?

No sir…

That is what I thought, or Patience would have reminded me.

Actually sir, we came to see you on an urgent matter of national importance.

You brought a matter of urgent matter of na­tional importance to Otuoke? Very hilarious. What will you now take to Abuja or Daura?

Well, this is a matter that you can fix sir .

As a former president and private citizen? Did your wife leave you or you want to marry a new one?

No, it is something more serious and I’m actually rep­resenting your former aides and ministers. They are all aware that I’m here. Indeed, they sent me with this special message.

Alright then, I presume that you guys are forming a union, like Association of Jonathan’s Ex-aides?

Not really but we are all working together on this issue.

Hmmn, that is a good thing. You guys will need one another now that we are all out in the cold.

Exactly sir, that is why I have been sent to bring to your attention the plight of some of the people who worked with you. We are being hounded and harassed by the new man in the Villa, they are searching our houses, digging up all kinds of files and threatening our lives.

I’m aware of a couple of arrests and searches. I still read the newspapers, you know?

That is it sir. This new government is making our lives miserable. It is following us everywhere with searchlight. In fact, I can boldly say our lives are no longer safe.

That means you are a bold liar.


I’ve not heard or read anywhere that anybody has held guns to your heads. So, your lives are safe. Is it not just questions you are being asked? Provide the answers and get on with your life and let me get on with my retirement.

It’s not as simple as that sir. When these people sur­round our homes and invade our privacies, our blood pres­sure shoots up and that can lead to stroke which can lead to death. And we do not deserve to die now sir.

Chaaai, did you rehearse that last part?

No, not really but this is a very serious matter sir.

You’ve said that several times already but I still don’t see how this concerns me, Jonathan, or where the husband of Dame Patience comes in. Or you want me to call Gani Adams in La­gos to send OPC people to guard you and your houses?

We want you to intervene.


We want you to talk to the man in the Villa, President-to-President.

You mean former president to present presi­dent?

We need you to tell him to let us be. His security agen­cies should stop trailing us and our wives. We are sure that it is just a matter of one phone call from you sir.

Are you high on something so early in the morning?

No sir.

You are sure you have not smoked some de­signer stuff or taken more than one than swig of cognac?

Nothing sir. In fact, I am fasting sir. We are all fasting and praying over this matter.

Wonderful! What about vigil?

That too sir. We all held a vigil on Friday so that you will consider this request I brought today.

Aaaah, God did not answer your prayers.


I said God did not answer your prayers be­cause I will not call any president, former or serv­ing to beg on your behalf.

Please sir, don’t abandon us in our time of need, we…

Wonders shall never end, me, Jonathan the husband of Patience should not abandon you in your time of need? Where were all of you when I needed you most? Where were you when the house we were supposed to be building was falling?

We were there holding the rafters and packing sand sir.

No, you were all stealing blocks and roofing sheets to build your own individual houses. You were not loyal.

In fact, we are still loyal. We were all very devastated when we lost the election sir. It was a sad day indeed.

Hmmmn, Mr loyal aide, since I left the Villa, did you visit until now that the Tall One started doing ‘general checking’?

Well, I went on vacation with my family. You know I couldn’t go on leave for years because I was loyally work­ing for you sir.

So, you want me to put my hands in the fire­place and draw the attention of everybody to myself by going to Abuja to beg the Tall One to leave my former aides alone? Have you no shame? If you had all done what you were sup­posed to do the way you were supposed to do them, will we be outside the Villa?

We did our best, sir.

Running rings round me and feathering your own nests until you made me look incompe­tent?

It’s not like that, sir.

And I agree with you, but you must also agree with me that only the guilty are afraid.


Haven’t you noticed that it is not everybody that worked with me that is being hunted? It is only those of you who have skeletons in your closets that can no longer sleep at night. I sym­pathise with you but you guys have done enough damage to me, my family and my name and I’m old enough to know when to cut my losses.

In other words, you will not intervene in this matter? You will watch this government drag us to jail, take every­thing away from us?

No now, you said you worked hard and you were loyal to me, why would that lead to jail? Since when did hard work become highway to Kirikiri?

Oga, please forgive whatever sins we committed. God will give you long life, protect…

Shhhh, when did you become a prayer warrior sef, you that we all know as General Overseer of the Sinners Chapel? If all of you were doing godly things, would you be seeing masquerades in your dreams?

We are all now born again.

That is good news. Now, go back to church and rev up the prayers because you’ll be need­ing plenty of it in the days ahead.

Can we just ignore these politicians

When a man who has a large boil on his forehead but prefers to concentrate on a small pimple is a man whose judgement you can’t trust. A man carrying elephant on his head and looking for ants with his feet is a man whose priorities are not balanced. I am beginning to worry about the things some Nigerians are focussing on in the last few months. If, for instance, we want regular power supply, should we be focussing on where a woman bought her wrist watch? If we want a year when we will have no doc­tors’ strike, does it really matter what language the Minister for Heath speak? But we let politicians plant stuff in our head, things that work for them and them only and then we start prancing about like a horse that just stepped into a pit full of ants. We really should start watching out for ourselves because politicians watch out for themselves.

Take the case of the new Director-General of Depart­ment of State Service, Lawan Daura, and the stories of his political affiliations. So, he’s in APC or PDP and that will mean he can’t do the job, right? His predecessors in of­fice, were we really happy with them? Did they do their jobs well or they failed us? And if they failed us, was it because they belonged to political parties or they didn’t? If my memory is still good, Nigerians are hardly pleased with the heads of their security agencies whether they wear caps or go about bare-headed and politicians can always find a reason why a particular candidate should not be appointed. If for instance we remove Daura today, politicians will still come up with objections to the new one. PDP used to be at the receiving end, now they are forcing APC to reap what it once sowed. Poor Mr Daura simply got caught in the cross fire. And APC aint see nothing because PDP will fault all the appointments Buhari will make in the coming weeks. It’s what opposition parties do and PDP is just warming up. But can we just ignore politicians and their antics and focus on securing this country and if Mr Daura, or any appointee for that matter fails us, we can collectively dragged them to Golgotha and nail them to any available tree.


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Wish you were somebody else’s wife? Sun, 02 Aug 2015 00:09:15 +0000 YOU take one look at your marriage, shake your head and write-off the whole thing. When a woman is sad and her morale is at an all-time low, self-pity is the first demon that comes calling. It becomes difficult to see anything good in whatever is happening. She can’t even remember the good, old times [...]]]>

YOU take one look at your marriage, shake your head and write-off the whole thing. When a woman is sad and her morale is at an all-time low, self-pity is the first demon that comes calling. It becomes difficult to see anything good in whatever is happening. She can’t even remember the good, old times when she felt on top of the world and believed her husband was the best thing that ever happened to her. Those days when she handed down tips on how to make a marriage work so easily… but that was then, she would sigh.

When trouble looms or befalls a marriage or the woman is feeling gloomy, the next practical thing she begins to do is wishing she were somewhere else, some­body else’s wife. She wonders how she ended up where she is. Didn’t her mother warn her? And she almost didn’t marry him o.

Well, a woman has no business envying her friend’s marriage. Sounds cute but impracticable, ehn? Not ex­actly, but it happens all the time.

When things get tough in the home and a marriage seems to be giving way at the seams, the urge to com­pare your situation unfavourably with another’s is quite high. Any wife who wants to be honest with herself will own up, to having fallen into that temptation once or twice.

Such escapist thoughts are the only things that fill her head. It suits her psyche. She adds all unlikely figures together and gets all the odd results. She’d see all the good things in her friend’s marriage and not one envi­able thing in her own.

If only she knows. If only we all know. Comparing your marriage with another is an unworthy occupa­tion. It is a demeaning venture that does nothing for a woman’s sense of self-worth. Why should you think your friend’s marriage or husband is better than yours? No two marriages are alike and the recipe that works for one marriage more often than not, won’t work for the other. Your friend married one man and you another.

Men may share certain habits or traits but they es­sentially differ. The problems your friend is facing in her marriage are different from yours. That woman you envy may have one big messy marriage and probably wishes she was in your shoes too. So, your husband does not trust you. He suspects all your movements. He has virtually accused you of having an affair with every male you speak to, from the maiguard to your boss.

It’s painful when you’ve never even considered an af­fair all your married life. You don’t give him any cause to suspect you but he does. He probably loves you to distraction. He’s obsessed with you and can’t hide it. Don’t because of that, begin to envy your friend whose husband allows her to go wherever she likes. If you know what that man is up to, you’d give a thanksgiving party for your marriage. Listen to this. A man suspects his wife is having extra marital affairs. He doesn’t ha­rass or threaten her. He’s not a man of many words. He decides to lace her with Magun (that traditional punish­ment for adulterers) convinced that his wife will be dis­graced and his ‘rival’ killed.

After about six weeks, the Magun merchant husband believed his rival must have passed to the great beyond. He decided it was safe enough then to claim his con­jugal rights. However, his misfortune was that his wife did not sleep around and his Magun was still in place when he landed in the trap he set for someone else. Of course, it was his last day on earth. Jealousy killed him, he somersaulted three times, stretched out in death as he foamed in the mouth. Do you still think your husband is the worst creature? Sure, a jealous husband is a poten­tial Magun merchant but certain husbands are just not capable of it. They can scream their false accusations all day but they never really get round to lacing their wives with anything deadly. Thank your stars and get on with your life. Or are you one of those women who complain that their husbands work non-stop, leaving no time for you and the children? Wait until your hear the experi­ences of those who are married to lazy, unambitious nincompoops. At least, your husband knows where he’s going and believes the sweat of his brow will get him there. That’s more than you can say for the ‘Otokoto’ men. They want riches but if a certain cult demands the head, breasts and tongues of their wives, they won’t bat their eyelids before putting the knife on their unsuspect­ing wives. I’m sure a busy husband is a blessing from above compare to the one who’ll use you or even one of your children for juju

My uncle once told me the story of this couple.

On the surface, they are the ideal couple, very close, rich, and accommodating. They were then both in their 40s. They went everywhere together and whatever the wife said was what the husband would say even if they were 100kms apart. They are from a popular town in Kwara State.Younger couples looked up to them and those who didn’t know prayed that their marriage will be like Aro and his wife’s.

If only they knew they were heaping curses on their own heads. According to my uncle’s story, Aro and his wife were once very poor and out of desperation agreed to use their first son for money-making juju. They did the rituals, entered into an oath (or covenant) never to betray each other, divorce or love another as long they live. They are bound by blood, not love, bound by the death of the little boy they killed to be rich…

If you wish you were in another woman’s shoes, you ought to know what you are talking about. Don’t make dangerous wishes. Some couples’ intimacy and close­ness has more than meets the eye. You may say I’m preaching, especially if you are going through a bad patch right now, who doesn’t? Count your blessings in­stead of the woes. Every woman has that period when she wishes she were someone else’s wife. So yours is not new. It will pass like all other bad times.

When I’m going through such times, I try to look on the sunny side. But by jove, it’s hard. I must confess. Try this consolation: some husbands are worse than yours.

Tell yourself: “It hasn’t always been bad and it won’t always be. He’s a pig-head but he’ll come round.” Take a deep breath and believe you are the best. Don’t let any­body tell you differently.

You’d be surprised at how many women wish your husband were theirs. Well, if only they know that right now you think your husband is a pig, a dog, a fool and a whole number of unprintable things. But you’ll soon start calling him ‘darling’ again and kissing his bald pig head, you see.

Each time you think of your husband as an unrepen­tant full-time adulterer, thank God that you aren’t mar­ried to a man who gives you gonorrhea three times a year.

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The spell of Laloko Sun, 26 Jul 2015 00:04:35 +0000 Elemona was a peaceful community. The people were not rich but you cannot also call them poor. Theirs was a life lived in contentment. They were at peace with their neighbours and had no wars. The Balogun and the Oluode enjoyed the benefits of their titles without having to strap up for war within or [...]]]>

Elemona was a peaceful community. The people were not rich but you cannot also call them poor. Theirs was a life lived in contentment. They were at peace with their neighbours and had no wars. The Balogun and the Oluode enjoyed the benefits of their titles without having to strap up for war within or without. Whatever milk or honey the soil of Elemona could not produce , the people bought from neighbouring towns. All was well with both the young and the old until one dusty day at dusk when a stranger sneaked trouble into this community.

Covered in dust and looking like he was going to collapse any moment, Laloko arrived Elemona just as the sun was returning to its place of rest and farmers were hanging their hoes and hunters their guns. Everybody had had a long day, on the farm, in the market and it was time to reach for the gourd of palm wine. Maybe it was because it was that time of the day everybody just wanted to put their feet up or it was the sweet tongue of Laloko that changed the course of life in Elemona. All that the people knew was that after that day, nothing was ever the same, not for a century after.

Laloko told the people of Elemona that he was shocked, in fact disappoint­ed, that there were still people who did not have beautifying marks on their faces and bodies. He shook his head in disbelief as his eyes roamed from one face to the other, as if looking for one ‘beautified face’ in the crowd. Ah ah, he clapped his hands and shook his head some more; how could people so blessed not know that it was impor­tant for them to have marks on their faces to distinguish each family and look more beautiful. He volunteered to do the job for free if the commu­nity would build him a house with small windows. Because the parents were already old, he advised that the children be the beneficiaries of his special beautifying craft. Each family would bring a child and he would work on them all night and the parents could check his handiwork every morning. He boasted of his prowess and how he had left indelible prints of his craft in seven villages.

Either the Elemona people fell for the free-of-charge part of the package or Laloko was a fantastic marketer but the deal was sealed and he went to work. The women supplied their ‘cosmetolo­gist’ pounded yam, vegetable soup and bush meat. The men ensured he never ran short of freshly tapped palm wine. And Laloko went to work. He started with one of the sons of Kaabiyesi, the king. After a long night of meticulous craftsmanship, Laloko was ready to hold up his art for his public to see. Through the high small window. He held up the beautified prince’s face and the people hailed Laloko.

How come we didn’t think of this before?

This man surely knows his onions.

I will bring all my chil­dren, especially the girls.

This Laloko is truly a gift from the gods.

The people of Elemona were sure they had made the right decision. They thank their ‘Alale’ (the gods) and their ances­tors for sending Laloko to them. They brought a new child for Laloko every day and every morning, Laloko showed a face that he had worked on through his small window. But he told them that they would all have to be patient until the beauty scars healed before they could take their brand new wards home and that the night before the children would be presented to the public at the village square, there must be absolute quiet in the town. Everybody must go to bed early. Everybody must stay in his compound until the first cock crowed. According to Laloko, there were rites and sacrifices he must do to thank the deity that endowed him with the gift of his spe­cial craft. He must also appease the gods so that the children he had worked on would live long. The people agreed and supplied him with more children. Even­tually, a day was set for the return of the ‘new’ children. They prepared a feast, the hunters supplied bush meat of all kinds and the women cooked like never before. The king summoned drummers from the neighbouring villages.

With baited breath, Elemona waited for the first cock crow. Of course, the parents, especially the mothers, of the ‘brand new children’ hardly slept a wink. The excitement and anxiety kept their eyelids from meeting.

And when the cock finally crowed, the drums, the flutes and the beaded gourds took over. The maidens led the way to Laloko’s house of craft. This was the day, a special day. Oh yes, it was a special day indeed, one that the people of Elemona have never forgotten. So special was the minute, the moment that when they threw open the door of Laloko’s house, most of the women fainted. The men turned in circles as if a pestilence of dizziness had struck all of them. There was wailing and cursing. There was confusion and cacophony. Laloko had disappeared in the night, and with all the children he was given, except one. Apparently, the first child he beautified was the only and same one he held up through the high small window every morning, and that ritual he needed perfect quiet for was his escape. Some families lost three children, others more. The shock killed not a few. Till date, many wondered, as you are most likely doing as you read this, how Laloko got away with everything. Was it a spell, advanced juju or uncommon carelessness by Elemona? How could one man have fooled an entire communi­ty, taken away so many children, brought sorrow into so many homes? How?

Hmmmn, so much for folk tale. Let me share another gist with you.

A second-term governor told a gather­ing of editors how a committee made up of governors tried to understand why NNPC was making so much money and the federation account was so slim, like the case of the pastor looking robust while the congregation got thin? They were angry and determined to get to the root of the matter. How could the nation that gave NNPC everything to work with come up empty? Didn’t that just sound like Laloko and the people of Elemona? Anyway, these governors asked for files and documents and figures on how much crude was being lifted, how much mon­ey Nigeria made and where the money was being kept. Trust NNPC whiz kids, their gift of craftsmanship is from the gods. They whipped out pie charts and graphs. They had maps and ratios and percentages. They had answers for every question. They smiled and held their designed power point presentations. According to the governor, after hours of staring at the screen suffused with linear and parabola graphs of international best practices and OPEC rates and ration, the governors were at their wits’ end. They were so confused they didn’t know whether NNPC was owing Nigeria or Nigeria was owing NNPC. At the end of the day, all they could ask was: so, how much is available for the states?

Ah, we are like the people of Elemona in many ways and this ‘gift from the gods’ called NNPC is hard to under­stand.

May our ancestors protect us from every Laloko in the Nigerian system.

Re: Are we back in Egypt?

Government as we all know, is a con­tinual process.

Boko Haram’s attack was rapidly dwin­dling, in fact it almost vanished

towards GEJ’s last days in the Villa. Buhari, as his successor,

should have stayed on the same path, used same strategies and add more

forces to clinch the trophy which was already within reach. He could have tri­umphed f if he had not parted ways

with his prediscessor’s foot print. If san­ity must be restored,

Nigerians must learn to become watch­dogs, soldiers must return to their

various checkpoints and Mr. President must go back to his drawing board.

–Eze Kingsley

Re: Strange firers and firees

Our God is not the author of confu­sion. The same God that spoke in Rom.1:26-29 couldn’t have created ‘them’ to be what they, by cooperating with the devil, have chosen to become.

For those of us who choose (isn’t life all about choices?!) to remain the way God created us, we must do everything (hu­manly and spiritually) possible to ensure that we remain unpolluted. And as parents we have a great job on our hands as par the children God has given us to watch over, for we shall give account on each of them. We need to be more involved in their lives, give them Godly counsel from time to time and pray over them because the ultimate victory can only be attained on our knees.

–Mrs Abimbola Awosedo

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25 things women wish men knew Sat, 18 Jul 2015 23:26:50 +0000 Writer’s block, isn’t that what they call it? But it didn’t ac­tually start like that. I had a topic in mind, I wrote a couple of hun­dred words. I liked, still like, the topic I chose but at some point, just when I thought I had it all figured out, the ink started dripping without [...]]]>

Writer’s block, isn’t that what they call it? But it didn’t ac­tually start like that. I had a topic in mind, I wrote a couple of hun­dred words. I liked, still like, the topic I chose but at some point, just when I thought I had it all figured out, the ink started dripping without a thought-flow. I struggled for a full day and wished the creative juices will start flowing again. Well, deadlines and writer’s block don’t hug. So, enjoy this piece. This is from @ wewomen USA.

Men claim women are much more com­plicated than them, but what about our side of the story? It’s actually really simple to make a woman happy – if they’d only look out for the signs! Here are 25 things women wish men knew… Guys – we hope you’re tak­ing notes!

Boyfriends make the best of friends and amazing lovers, but it goes without saying that sometimes (okay, a LOT of the time) we think men could do more.

Familiar phrases spring to mind; ‘He nev­er makes enough effort’, ‘he’s always with his friends’ and ‘he never notices me,’ but as they say, boys will be boys. So we decided to take a different approach in getting him to understand by creating the ultimate women’s wish list (that we hope will make things eas­ier for man and womankind).

And while this is no lesson on how to treat a lady it’s a pretty accurate guide into what us girls are really thinking. Boys, once you’ve read this, you will have THE KNOWL­EDGE. Use it wisely

  1. Small things count.

Some guys think all they have to do is sur­prise us once and they’re set for life, but trust us, we’re keeping note. Why not pick-up our favorite feel-good treat while you’re on your way home this evening (clue, it’s either wine, chocolate or cheese) or buy us that new book we’ve been talking about non-stop. Trust us, our appreciation will show.

  1. The E-word.

Effort (a word no man is unfamiliar with) is always the hitch. Take out the trash, call us to see how our day was or do something re­ally special for our anniversary. We’re worth your time.

  1. Confidence is hot, arrogance is NOT.

Every girl loves a man who’s comfortable in his own skin. It makes us feel safe and pro­tected and nothing feels sexier than that. But arrogance? We. Can’t. Stand. It.

  1. Chivalry is not dead.

Be old fashioned from time to time – we freaking love it. Pay on the first date, hold the door for us and walk us to the front door. Promise, we won’t call you stage-five cling­er.

  1. Don’t be a man-baby.

We’re nurturing, yes. Women love tak­ing care of their men and helping them out, but as soon as we feel like we’re in mommy mode we want out. Most guys are kids at heart, but if we’re doing more than a bit of coddling (i.e. cutting your food into little pieces) then there’s definitely a BIG problem.

  1. Listen and take interest.

After a hectic day all we want our man to do is listen. Women like to talk and pour their feel­ings out – it’s a well known fact. We confide in you, because we trust you to make us feel bet­ter. So please just mute the TV, put down your beer and just listen dammit!

  1. Be honest.

It’s true when they say honesty is the best policy. Telling a fib might seem like a great idea now, but women always find out and when we do it ain’t pretty. Most importantly, don’t cheat and lie about it. That’s just cowardly.

  1. Make us a priority.

Women need to feel like they’re more im­portant than an Xbox. Of course men need to spend time with their friends and have some down time, but 3rd place isn’t cool. If your girl doesn’t feel like she’s a priority then you’re do­ing something very wrong buddy.

  1. Notice the small things.

Everyone wants to be noticed by their part­ner. New hairstyle? New clothes? New dress size? New bra? Say something to acknowledge our effort, besides we (partially) did it for you!

  1. Take it slow (in bed).

It can’t get any worse than a man finishing before we’ve even started. Women take longer to reach orgasm and foreplay is key – take your time and don’t rush. Thank you.

  1. Turning down sex is NOT a big deal.

More often than not, if we turn down sex, it probably has nothing to do with you. We all have our down days – exhaustion, stress, wor­ry? They’re all major mood killers. It happens – don’t take it personally.

  1. Help us.

There’s nothing more irritating than a lazy man. Try helping us out with household chores, the school run and daily errands. It’s just as much your responsibility as it is ours.

  1. Sometimes we need ‘me time’.

Most of the time you can’t get us to shut-up, but sometimes we need a little ‘me time’. If your woman seems relaxed and says nothing’s wrong, there probably isn’t. Chill out dude.

  1. Learn to say sorry.

Stop being so stubborn! If it’s your fault and you’re clearly in the wrong you owe it to us. Go on, say the magic word. Sorry can go a long way in relationships…

  1. Sometimes we really do feel like sh*t.

Men think women are attention seekers most of the time, but sometimes we actually do feel like crap. Don’t forget those painful cramps, headaches and PMS. Periods are hell to deal with – give us a break.

  1. Toilet humor.

While poo talk is comical at times sending us a Snapchat of what you ate for dinner yesterday is not our idea of a hot date. Enough said.

  1. Take care of your hygiene.

Brushed your teeth? Showered? Deodor­ized? You’re a grown ass man, just do it already.

  1. Know yourself.

We need to be on the same page. If a man knows what he wants and is self-assured they’re a lot less likely to seek fulfilment in pointless things like getting wasted with mates and talk­ing to 10 other chicks, (for which there’s zero tolerance for by the way).

  1. Do not forget our anniversary or birthday.

There’s 365 days in a year and you only have to remember 2 of them, that’s why we get pissed off. Set a reminder on your phone, write it in your planner or tell your mom if you have to (just don’t tell us you did), but whatever you do, do NOT forget.

  1. Respect us.

Some men don’t value their partners as much as they should. Love her like it’s your last day, appreciate her for all that she is and be grateful for everything she does. Think about it.

  1. Pinterest is your answer to ev­erything.

Pinterest is your saving grace. It’s a col­lage of all the pretty things we wish we could have and it’s your job to make our dreams come true. Use it to your advantage!

  1. We’re suckers for romance.

Never ask a girl if she wants flowers, or anything in fact. The answer is simply YES. Of course we do! Especially, if it’s to do with rose petals, candles, dinner and wine.

  1. Cook us dinner.

There’s nothing sexier than a man who knows his way around the kitchen.

  1. Things from the heart count.

If you’ve ever thought of making a super sweet gift like a homemade card, scrapbook or a mixed CD and thought, ‘too cheesy’, you’re wrong! It’s a great way of speaking from the heart especially since guys aren’t always so good at it (verbally). We’re guar­anteed to love it.

  1. You can’t live without us.

Men often take women for granted, but in reality you’re nothing without us! Who else would take care of you? Play dress up? Make you a better man? Just admit it.

Is there something else you wish your man knew? Share with me and let’s start a conversation.



Salute to Peter Obi at 54

  • Peter Obi


Showering encomiums on the immedi­ate-past Governor of Anambra State, Mr. Peter Obi, is usually distasteful to him. He would rather advise that anyone wishing to felicitate with him should do so through concrete support to promote edu­cation in the land.

When he turned 50 four years ago, different groups fell on one another trying to organise what they considered as befitting birthday for him. Surprisingly, he declined, including that of his EXCO members. In fact, he requested one of the financial institutions that budgeted N50 Million to celebrate him to use the money to buy com­puters with full accessories, including printers, which he distributed to 20 schools in Anambra State. He persuaded one man that wanted to buy a costly wrist watch to use the money to buy a school bus which he gave to one of the schools in the State.

Be that as it may, as two of his closest former lieutenants, we feel constrained at this stage of the nation’s history to “disobey” him and blow his trumpet just a little on this special occasion of his 54th birthday, to celebrate him as a great leader. From the outset, it is pertinent to note that references to his attainments are predicated on governance in Anambra State during his tenure as Governor.

Reminiscing on several EXCO meetings and personal interactions with him, we recall his persistent admonition that we were the cus­todians of public resources and must ensure their judicious utilization in the interest of the people. He emphasized the essence of sav­ings, reminding us that “the resources we are enjoying today (oil inclusive) are diminishing assets, hence the need to save at least 10% for future generations.” He followed the admoni­tion up by sending a Bill to the State House of Assembly, which was signed into law, that the State should save till the year 2050.

Mr. Obi also insisted on the imperatives of clear planning as a solid basis for delivery of good governance to the people, often reiterat­ing the maxim:“If you have not planned, you have planned to fail.” A man of clear vision, his maxim was always: “If you don’t know where you are going, every road will lead you there – confusion.”

To actualize his vision for Anambra State, his administration adopted a programme of action incorporating the UN Millennium De­velopment Goals [MDGs]. This unique ap­proach to development was tagged “Anam­bra Integrated Development Strategy (ANIDS)”, which enabled us to focus simultaneously on sev­eral target sectors. From all indications, Anambra was the only state that adopted the achievement of the MDGs as its vision at sub-national level. Having aimed at several targets and scored many direct hits, it was hardly surprising that for several years, Mr. Peter Obi emerged as the Best Gov­ernor in the implementation of the MDGs. As a matter of fact, he was invited to speak on the MDGs at the 69th Session of the United Nations General Assembly in New York in 2014.

Well, after he left Government House, the achievements of his administration continue to speak volumes for him and Anambra State. It will indeed bear repetition to recall some of the attainments that made him exceptional, more so to demonstrate that with clear focus and com­mitment, leaders of Nigeria’s States can deliver the proverbial ‘dividends of democracy’ to their people.

A glance at the Education Sector is instructive: At some point before the Peter Obi Administra­tion, Anambra State was at the lowest point of its fortunes in education, as parents and guard­ians withdrew their wards from public schools in the State. For a full year, teachers were on strike, and life seemed to go on. With the strategic in­tervention of the Obi Administration, the educa­tion sector was resuscitated and enabled to great heights from 2012, and the State has maintained first position in WAEC and NECO examina­tions. One of his most courageous moves was to return the management of erstwhile Mission/ private schools to their original owners, while Government retained the responsibility of recur­rent and capital expenditures. This exceptional act of courage paved the way for a revolutionary partnership between Church and State that is still acclaimed nationally and internationally.

Under his tenure, Government provided 750 buses to schools across the State as well as 5 Million naira each to over 600 schools for the provision of functional laboratories, sick-bays, libraries, sporting facilities, bore-holes, ICT equipment [35,000 Laptop & Desktop Comput­ers], and other infrastructure. In one case, he paid over 2 Billion Naira upfront to HP, which their VP in Africa said was the highest single order so far from Africa. He also Paid over 1 Billion to Galaxy Backbone for Internet connectivity in all the secondary schools in the State, which covered three years subscription, which the then CEO of the company, Mr. Gerald Ilukwu said was the highest in Nigeria. To encourage academic ex­cellence, every indigene of Anambra State with a 1st Class degree between 2006 and 2012 was rewarded with a N1 million prize! More than 400 of them came forward.

The achievement of the Obi Administration in the Health Sector was equally heart-warm­ing, as it strengthened the health foundation of Anambra State. His administration set up, built and equipped the ultra-modern Anambra State University Teaching Hospital at Awka. It also re­habilitated and equipped Government Hospitals; Schools of Nursing, Schools of Midwifery & Schools of Health Laboratory Technology in the state; its support to a number of Mission hospitals was unprecedented. No wonder the then Gov­ernor Peter Obi won the Bill & Melinda Gates Award for outstanding performance in the health sector. It is also noteworthy that under his watch, Anambra State was polio free.

The Roads Sector in Anambra State experi­enced an unprecedented boost under the Peter Obi tenure. His administration funded the as­phalting of more than 900 kilometres of roads and over numerous bridges, such that the Federal Ministry of Works acknowledged that Anambra State has the best road network in Nigeria. As­pects of this feat include the reconstruction and incredible transformation of the stretch of road from Onitsha Bridge-Head through Upper Iweka to Zik Roundabout, with pedestrian bridges, as well as the collaboration with the Federal Gov­ernment to construct a fly-over at the erstwhile impassable Nkpor.

The Obi Administration restored sanity to the socio-political environment and the economy. In the dark past, for instance, the institution of governance was shaky at best. Thugs [indeed, gangsters] literally dictated the character of gov­ernance, including taking charge of internally-generated revenue. Governance received un­precedented boost when Peter Obi initiated and constructed a Secretariat Complex [Phases 1 & 2] – the first since the creation of the State. Other institutions of governance that came into being and became functional under his tenure include a reconstructed Governor’s Lodge at Onitsha, several Local Government Headquarters com­plexes and reconstructed Government edifices destroyed by reactionary forces. He was the first Governor in the State to provide official cars to such high-ranking public officers as Permanent Secretaries, Directors, Judges and Magistrates.

Even as its necessity is under debate, Peter Obi, in ‘emulation’ of the Federal Government Conditional Cash Transfer programme, initiated a social security system, paying each Anambra State poor indigene aged over 75 years a monthly allowance of N5,000! Another noteworthy pro-poor initiative of the Obi Administration was the Poverty Mapping of the state (the first of its kind) which guided the many poverty alleviation inter­ventions of his Government.

Under his tenure, he provided over 600 brand new patrol pick-up vehicles to various Govern­ment security agencies and the reorganized Vigilante groups in the 177 communities of the State. This and other measures greatly improved security in the State; it is on record that in the last 5 years of his administration, no bank robbery oc­curred in Anambra State.

It is perhaps in the area of skilful manage­ment of scarce resources that the legacy of the Peter Obi Administration is becoming more and more acclaimed. Even as several State Governments complain about ‘Empty Treasur­ies’, it is worthy of note that the Obi Adminis­tration cleared all arrears of salaries and pen­sions owed in the State since 1999 [seven years before his tenure], to the tune of over N37 bil­lion. ln spite of the impressive achievements of his administration and the attendant financial outlay, it neither borrowed money from any financial institution nor raised bonds; nor did it default on any contractual obligations to con­tractors in honouring certificates for projects executed.

Understandably therefore, it is amazing that Peter Obi ended his tenure on a note never wit­nessed in Nigeria – leaving in the State coffers/ custody N75 Billion comprising:

*N27 Billion in stock and shares of quoted and unquoted companies (we hear this is val­ued at N40 Billion today, as one of the invest­ments has quadrupled in value).

*$156 Million (N25 Billion as at March 17th, 2014) in Foreign currency denominated bonds and cash, which are today about $170 million (we understand it is valued at about N40 Billion today).

*N28 Billion Certified State/MDAs bal­ances.

What manner of man therefore is Mr Peter Obi? It is common knowledge to those who know him well that underlying his impressive profile are his personal character traits and val­ues, which he brought to bear on government and governance in Anambra State. Approach­able, humane and humble to a fault, he demys­tified the cult of personality in leadership that has adversely affected the performance of sev­eral public office holders in all tiers of govern­ment. Many people now know that governance is about the people and not the incumbent.

In remembrance and appreciation of his un­precedented record as Governor of Anambra State (2006-2014), and with a sense of pride as his former lieutenants and indigenes of Anam­bra State, we say: “Hearty Birthday, Mr. Peter Obi”. It is our prayer that the Almighty God blesses him and keeps him alive & healthy to continue to serve humanity.

*Prof Chinyere Stella Okunna is Head of the Department of Mass Communication at Nnamdi Azikiwe University and Director, UNIZIK 94.1 FM Campus Radio. She worked with Mr Peter Obi for the eight years of his administration, serving at various times as: Commissioner for Information; Commissioner for Economic Planning and Budget; Chief of Staff; Chairman, MDGs Implementation Com­mittee; Chairman, State Committee on Good Governance; Head of Development Partner­ship/Donor Agencies Coordinating Ministry.

*Engr. Patrick Obi is a lecturer

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Are we back in Egypt? Sun, 12 Jul 2015 00:23:06 +0000 The day had broken like any other. They had prayed for God’s pro­tection and favour as they set out for the staff audit at the local govern­ment headquarters. They bathed for their children, prepared breakfast and ate with their families. They instructed the older children to continue the house chores from where they stopped. They [...]]]>

The day had broken like any other. They had prayed for God’s pro­tection and favour as they set out for the staff audit at the local govern­ment headquarters. They bathed for their children, prepared breakfast and ate with their families.

They instructed the older children to continue the house chores from where they stopped. They rushed around, dressing up and issuing in­structions and warning the boys not to play in the sun or break the neigh­bour’s car windscreen with their amateur street championships. Trust boys, they didn’t even raise their heads from their breakfast bowls. They mumbled their ‘yes’ and nod­ded at all house chore instructions, most of which they had no intention of doing. They simply couldn’t wait for their mothers to ‘take her trouble to work’ before their street referee blew the whistle for everybody to report to ‘camp.’ They all warned the children as they rushed into the streets. The children all nodded and waved their cheerful goodbyes.

Those warnings were their last. The goodbyes were the final ones, for less than two hours later, most of those mothers had been reduced to mere human body parts flung in different directions on the premises of Sabon Gari Local Government Area in Dogarawa, Kaduna state. Some minutes later, those bloody body parts arrived the Ahmadu Bello University Teaching Hospital, Shika in three police vans. End of the road, end of many dreams. Nothing will ever remain the same, not for those children or the new members of the widowers community created by one evil woman, one emissary of death from the pit of hell.

One minute the family was whole. A man had a wife to share his troubles and successes with, the next he was in a bewildered wilderness, wondering what he’d done wrong. One minute, a family has a head to look up to, a hus­band to cuddle up to, ask for guidance, the next the wife is a widow, breadwin­ner, daddy and mummy, rudderless, wondering where God was when her husband was being blown apart.

I imagine some of those children asking heart-breaking questions, say­ing things that just tear your hearts to shreds.

‘When is mummy coming back?’

‘It’s getting dark, who will cook now? I’m hungry and I don’t want rice tonight. I want ‘indomie’.

‘Is it true mama has gone to heaven? Baba, I want to go to heaven too.’

The days of pain are back. We are gnashing our teeth and digging mass graves again. We are retrieving loved ones in bloody bits and pieces again. I’m struggling to find the words to express my fears, worry. I thought the days of blood and gore were gone for good, that we had chased the demons away, that the host of Egypt and Pharaoh had been drowned in the sea. But here we are with our dreadful past back in our faces, sitting right in our lap.

For a while after the February 14 presidential election was postponed, the sun started shining through the gloom the invasion of insurgents had cast on our national life. Our dogs started barking and biting. Our soldiers (or were they not our own?) rallied and retrieved their honour and reputation from the back pockets of commanders of the insurgents.

We got gladdening reports like these:

“I wish to inform you that today, troops of 7 Division Nigerian Army cleared several terrorists’ strong points and training camps within Sambisa for­est, Borno State, Nigeria…”

“The gallant soldiers also recovered 1 Anti-Aircraft Gun, 1 General Purpose Machine Gun, 1 Rocket Propelled Gre­nade and several AK-47 rifles …

“The Dure camp which is one of the most prominent camps in the forest witnessed the fiercest battle as the Special Forces descended heavily on it before it finally fell.

“After our troops had softened them [the insurgents]up through aerial bombing, our ground troops then moved in for a fierce gun battle and drove them away,”

We carried front page photographs of insurgents in disarray, diving into Lake Chad. Those were the good old days. Suddenly we had the right weap­ons, the right strategies, made right moves from air and land. But today, the table is turned and the rat is pursuing the cat.

So, what are we doing wrong? What are we not doing? What did we stop doing and why did we stop doing what was working? How come insurgents that were once running and drowning suddenly hit­ting us hard and making our soldiers once again look like hunters of rab­bits and rats? I’m confused, really? How did we lose the war we were winning? How did we return to Egypt, so soon, so shamefully? What happened to the aerial bombard­ment and consistent pounding of the Boko Haram camps? The troops that restored our faith in the Nigeri­an armed forces, have they all gone on leave? Ok, someone said the men who pounded Sambisa forest were Southern African mercenaries, not Nigerian soldiers. I refuse to believe such blasphemy. But wait, even if we were paying mercenaries to fight our war, did we stop paying them or what? Did we tell them to go home when we had no real alternatives? Did we start behaving big when we were powder weights?

My people say a man who goes after those who killed his father unharmed will soon end up buried beside his father. I do not care about the ‘Englishes’ and big big grammar anyone wants to use to describe a ‘big nation like Nigeria employing mercenaries.’ I do not care about the kind of pride that goes before a fall.

And I think it is mean and evil for men whose children, wives and loved ones are not likely to be cut into pieces by Boko Haram to tell us or the President that we do not need mercenaries to fight this war. In fact, if we were using 100 merce­naries before March 28, we should increase the figure to 1000. We need all the help we can get, all the strate­gies we can muster, all boots on the battlefield. Because, you see, no matter how hard this government works, no matter how much change it brings, no matter the trillions it deploys to bail out governors, as long as explosions and suicide bombers become part of our daily life AGAIN, all Nigerians will see is blood. No development will be recorded in favour of President Buhari’s government. None.

Mr President, you are a war veter­an. You are a battle-tested General. We have heard many stories about how you pursued the enemies into their wives’ inner chambers, and made them beg for their lives. With or without the title sir, you are still a General. And this is one battle you cannot, must not lose.


Re-Strange firers and firees

The way homosexuality is celebrated these days robs the victims of our sympathy and understanding of their plight, to say nothing of the false sense of wellbeing and honour they feel. Homosexuality should be recognised by both the victims and the rest of the soci­ety as a problem that requires solution in the interest of everyone.

-Akuma Udo

“America, their America” (a book-title by a Nigerian author) was what came out of my gaping mouth on read­ing your above titled piece last Sunday. “Sodom and Ghomora” was the next thing that flashed in my mind. So, where is this generation headed? To turn God’s order of  creation upside down in the name of bookish knowledge? Tufia-kwa.

I recommend your article of last Sunday to President Obama (the Kenyan- American President of USA) to enable him answer the following questions:-

(a) With the Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy’s verdict approving

gay marriage (of all things in this world), what is the expected

population of USA in the next 50 years (from her present population of

about 400 million people) since with gay couples, God’s own decree of

“go ye and multiply and replenish the earth-space” would no longer be


(b) Who gave birth (after nine months gestation in the womb) to those

who are now engaging in same-sex marriage, as opposed to opposite-sex


(c) Between the “American War of Independence” (1775) and 2015 what

has happened to necessitate/warrant this same-sex approval?

As long as this vexatious and obnox­ious law is not repealed quickly in

the USA, her national slogan of “God’s own country” should henceforth

be written with a small letter “g” not capital, because there is a

great distinction between “God” and “god.” Perhaps some other Supreme

Court Justices should also legalise armed robbery and other crimes

simply because many criminals are “made that way.” What a jaundiced

argument!! May God help America in this matter and may Nigeria never,

ever, copy her in this regard, now or in future.

-Dr. Chizoba Christopher Ogbunuga­for,

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STRANGE ‘FIRERS’ AND ‘FIREES’ Sat, 04 Jul 2015 23:47:36 +0000 As far as I know, and was taught, God was very clear on who should ‘fire’ who and how ‘firing’ should be done. He, in fact, provided the ‘firing’ equipment. However, in the last 10 days or so, this simple and specific contract has been receiving variations and I am distressed. From America to Germany [...]]]>

As far as I know, and was taught, God was very clear on who should ‘fire’ who and how ‘firing’ should be done. He, in fact, provided the ‘firing’ equipment. However, in the last 10 days or so, this simple and specific contract has been receiving variations and I am distressed. From America to Germany and Japan, the definition of who should fire who and how has been modified in different courts, making me fall further out of love with the wig and gown, bar and bench. In America, the Su­preme Court ruled that it is now fine and proper for a woman and another to walk down the aisle and say ‘I do’. Irrespective of what the state laws say in the 50 states that make up the United States of America, two men can now exchange mar­riage vows and rings.

Writing the majority opinion, Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy said that “by virtue of their exclusion from that institution (mar­riage), same-sex couples are denied the constellation of benefits that the States have linked to marriage. This harm results in more than just material burdens. Same-sex couples are consigned to an instability many opposite-sex couples would deem intolerable in their own lives.”

Fine, I’m not an American and I ought to leave Americans to sort out themselves and their choices. I should be focussing on the Tambuwalisa­tion of the National Assembly and its attending ripple effects but Nigerians tend to love American things and we look at that country as if only good things can come out of there. Well, folks, this is one bad thing we cannot and should not copy. This is one cul­ture we should not allow to infiltrate our sanity and space. Let us leave it with them. It is their thing, let them savour it and live with its pleasures and pain.

The thought of two men getting married, when it’s not making me feel like breaking somebody’s nose, makes me want to throw up. How ex­actly is it supposed to work out in bed. I’m imagining two men in bed; they kiss, run their hands over each other’s bodies, touch where and where? I’m stuck there. And when it’s time for the grand finale, one puts his nozzle in the exhaust of the other, because men don’t have tanks? Ok, let me break that down. When a car drives into a filling station, the petrol attendant puts his nozzle in the tank, never in the exhaust pipe, fills the tank until the car is blissfully happy and ecstatically in cloud nine. Isn’t that what happens all the time? Right, that is also what happens when a man and a woman are in bed.

The nozzle and the tank are in place to do what they were designed to do. But with two homosexual men, that nozzle will have to make do with the only opening and that is in the rear. And it is an exhaust, designed to take things out, not to take things in. I just heaved a sigh here. So, how do you use the exhaust as tank for years without some­thing untoward happening? I’m talking about the wear and tear, the type that kills an ‘okada’ used to carry killed cow from the abattoir. Those ‘okadas’ don’t last long. Is it that male-male couples don’t do it as much as female-male couples? I’m wondering if you can use that rear place consistently for 20 years without hefty damage.

The female-female couple leaves me even more confused and sick. At least, with the boys, there is a nozzle and an illegal entrance. What will the girls put in their two empty tanks? Don’t even bother with the sex toys explanation be­cause normal couples use them already these days. You don’t have to be Pam and Eve to enjoy them. So, did I miss something?

Let’s go to the logic of those who say ‘gays are made like that’. Like how and by who? By God who ‘made them male and female’, decreed that ‘a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife’ and ‘they should go and multiply and cover the face of the earth’? Are we talking about the same God and the same maker? The God who made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Madam or Adam and Steve? How is it that this God decides to make a few creatures that will go against every grain of creation and the principle of the Garden of Eden? How is it that God who made the tank, the nozzle and de­signed them for procreation is the same one who made these ones who cannot make anything? Are you as confused as I am or you understand that god who said sperm in the anus will bring forth babies?

I understand that evil infiltrated the factory line somewhere. That is why we have serial killers, serial rapists, nym­phomaniacs and paedophiles. Those are mental, psychological challenges. There are health facilities for them all over the world. If a man hears voices that tell him to kill every policeman he sees, he’s called a cop killer, right? How is a serial killer or paedophile a criminal then? They are made like that too. Yet we send them to prison. Why do we want to cuddle those who are a threat to the earth’s existence? Yeah, that’s what gays are because they cannot multiply, make babies, replenish the earth. If we all become gays, who will make babies?

Then this: why is it that a man who wants to marry a man and put his nozzle in an unproductive exhaust pipe also wants to have children? If they are made like that, they should leave those of us who are made to put the nozzle in a tank keep our children. Those who want to fire the exhaust should expect smoke, not babies. Nothing good grows in the anus because a growth in that re­gion means trouble . A male firer whose ‘firee’ is a man should be contented with the way ‘he was made’. When a woman who should be fired becomes a ‘firee’ of another woman, she should not come looking for an adoption agency, sperm bank or surrogate mother to get what her god did not create her to have.

People, let’s get to work and protect our seeds, children, proceeds of our legal firing equipment and effort from these people from another planet. We promise to attend the naming ceremo­nies of whatever they produce from their exhausts pipes, if we can stand the smell.

On a fine last note, I love Zimba­bwean President Mugabe’s conclusion: Even Satan wasn’t gay, he chose to approach naked Eve instead of naked Adam. So, who created these strange firers and firees?



Governor Ambode and prolific Citizen Emeka

He is strong and able. Any time he aims at the goal post, he scores. No over-the-bar or corner kick. Once he bends to plant, germi­nation is with immediate effect and automatic alacrity. Even after a long strenuous day as a factory worker, Emeka was never too tired to do his husbandly duties and, unlike other men, all his duties are productive. In fact, he is an award winning, goal scorer. Better than Cristiano Ronaldo, the highest La Liga goal scorer, any day. While global soccer stars score one goal at a time, Emeka scores two with every kick. Somebody shout ‘everything na double double.’ And if you think Emeka’s feat is a flash in the pan, then you have not read his story. Emeka has been scoring two goals per kick since 2009.

But unlike Ronaldo, while the stadium was cheer­ing and fans were throwing their shirts in the air, Emeka did not wait to lift the trophy. He sneaked away in the night, leaving his wife with all his goals, six beautiful and healthy children.

Long story short, between 2009 and 2015, prolific Citizen Benjamin Emeka Uche and his fertile indefatigable wife, Ruth Uche, made three sets of twins; Goodness and Godnews, John and Joyce, and Daniel and Daniella.

But like a good father, leader and governor of our Lagos, Akinwunmi Ambode has directed his deputy, Dr. Oluranti Adebule to immediately provide wel­fare for the distressed mother of many twins. That is a good man doing what is necessary not just what is convenient. When a man wants to be ‘looked up to’ he does what is expected of men. Not snuck away in the night. Not abandon the trophy after scoring the goals. Like the governor said, it was not proper for anyone to abandon his family, especially young children, who they willingly brought to life.

“It is only when such children are properly taken care of that they can achieve their full potential in life and become responsible citizens in the future,”

Mr Prolific daddy-on-the-run, you may now return home. We all are waiting to hand over your Productivity Award, but if you continue to stay away, I will personally stay on your case because I am personally angry with you. Why? Because for years, I hoped for a set of twins, just one set, but I didn’t get lucky until I closed the factory. And I come from a lineage of many twins too. You see, why I’m pissed with you? If you dare wait until these six lucky kids become successful goalkeepers and doctors and lawyers, I will….

Thank you Governor Ambode for being true to your promise: whatever makes life easier for Lago­sians. Thank you for rescuing these children from life under the bridge or begging in the traffic. May your children inherit vineyards that have already been dug.

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Are you still with your husband? Sat, 27 Jun 2015 23:24:29 +0000 BY BIOBAKU O. ISRAEL You thought I was mean to the boys and hard on the men when I wrote ‘Is your wife still with you? Wait un¬til you read this piece and you will start seeing me as a virgin. Don’t you dare growl or laugh. Seri¬ously, Mr Biobaku has something to say about [...]]]>


You thought I was mean to the boys and hard on the men when I wrote ‘Is your wife still with you? Wait un¬til you read this piece and you will start seeing me as a virgin. Don’t you dare growl or laugh. Seri¬ously, Mr Biobaku has something to say about slack workshops and thigh-sized pestles. He’s all yours today.
God bless you my dear sister, for putting up that question; “Is your wife still with you?”Since it’s well established that, it’s not the husbands that are driving away their wives, but the wives that are simply disap¬pearing into the thin air, methinks, would it not have been more appropriate to say ‘Are you still with your husband?’. This issue has for some time been a mind bog¬gling issue, and I honestly think the bulk of the blame lies on you women and not the men. Most women are leaving their hus¬bands due to their non perseverance. And most often it’s usually as a result of lucre, lust for materialism. Just as the old song, says ‘money go woman go’. Let me simply refer to the wives that fall into this category as the contemporary wives, whose lasciviousness are usually driven by uncontentedness and covetousness. I mean women who want to push their guys faster than their legs could carry them. And when the wise ones among the men refuse, they skip out of their homes with their kayas including those things they both acquired together with the husband (the children).
In most cases, despite the men still being the bread winner, many contemporary wives seem to be living in the rhubarb fantasy usu¬ally instigated by the stupendous fictions they watch in the movies.
These days, most men daily go to worship with an S.O.S in their heart that God should help restore them back to the Lordship po¬sition in the home. Because the modern day husbands are no longer referred to as lords in their homes. And I really do feel for men when things aren’t going right for them. It’s always an unfortunate situation, when a woman supports her husband in the home, it’ll never be a secret or the secret will always be short-lived. The wife’ll surely tell her rela¬tives and friends. Aunty Funke, don’t they? They tell friends of how they now pay the children’s school fees and provide for their domestic needs at home. Every real man hates the tumultuous gossips of women. Be¬cause they pretend to keep your secret but they blow the story out in the public. Yes, wives’ telling family secrets to their friends is ‘public announcement’.
Wife tells her closest friend, Bunmi, then Bunmi brings Anthonia up to speed, Antho¬nia fills Chioma in, and Chioma lets in her own folks with the matter. Imagine these people in a social gathering with the said man dancing, sure you’ll hear those busy bodies gutturally singing and making jest of the man, ‘no do, no do, no do gra gra for here’. While the naïve husband merry on, not knowing the assumed wife had already removed his garment of honour and clothed him with that of ignominy. Men are not supposed to tell their grievous secrets to women, because they simply don’t know how to keep them. They are tempters. They will tempt you to reveal it like Delilah, and they’ll tempt you to commit grievous sin before God, like they did Adam, even to two great men that were so loved by God, King David and King Solomon. Or what else would make Bathsheba to place herself where his majesty usually re¬laxes. Oh women!
Every single day, men wake up to daily send S.O.S. to heaven for God to restore our pride and deliver us from the women’s torturous acts of our ‘he-motions.’ And I know God is listen¬ing. ‘May God restore all men reading this to their Lordship positions in the home with all the full prerequisite and benefits that goes with such position in the home. May God give us a voice in our homes again like our grand fathers and fathers’ once enjoyed. And no more the sheer dummy head where before a man says one, the wife would have said ten.
How can wives be with their husbands? When love no longer exists in the heart of the contemporary women. All they want is a ready-made man who already has, inter alia fat bank account, drives a posh car, with a good apart-ment in a nice area, (not the self-contained apartment types). And when they don’t get such men to marry, they push all their egoistic and extrovertish expectations on the innocent poor one they eventually find. They’ll keep pushing the poor guy to run faster than his legs would carry him. The contemporary woman just doesn’t love her man for who he is but for what he has . They only pretend to be with men all the way while their hearts and spirits are already gone somewhere else, and then, they’ll still re¬solve to a new strategy of complaining and nag¬ging their men on every little issue. They make his homefront a living hell.
How can wives still be with their husbands when they expect too much from the one they marry? Most contemporary women tend to misconstrue the movies they watch with true life scenes. Some of the ‘Yemisi Alakada wife’ types go all the way to paint delusive stories of their families, and they come back home expecting their husbands to help them live the falsified lives. All at the detriment of their hus¬bands o.
Undue fantasy you will say, contemporary wife chooses to kill her husband in degrees with their expectations, sensually, economically and even spiritually. And when the wise husband refuses the suicide missions, without being sent away, she hooks up a false accusation threat¬ening to leave her man. My pain is when they want to leave you, they won’t leave you jeje the way they came into your home, they’ll hijack your innocent children along with them.
I’ve had the opportunity to hear some shame¬ful weird complaints of women. A woman who disgraces her husband for not performing well in bed. Was the woman not aware of this during courtship? Do they misconstrue pornography movie scenes for real life action? Were they re¬ally feigning those soundtracks and signature tunes they make while in sensual action during courtship to make the man feel their thing was still firm and great? That’s confirmed ojoro. How can you now complain about the man’s chief of staff’s size, that’s calling a dog a bad name in order to hang it. A good woman will not do a thing like that. Contemporary wives must not forget that God created men with different capabilities. Haba, men are not engines. Bicycle cannot be motorcycle, motorcycle cannot be car, a car cannot be a trailer.
My good friend Niyi Ilughuhi once la¬mented of the sorry state of a place like Akure where he once served as a youth corpse member. He swore that more than fifty percent of the under forty married girls are no longer with their husbands because of this same thing, most now choose to live as single mothers due to sexual preferences they can explore out of wedlock.
It’s not a man’s fault that you the contem¬porary wife didn’t listen to your parents to wait till you get married before doing the thing, but instead, you won’t listen till you get their workshops all loose and elastic, so slackened that it can’t hold even a pestle. The bitter truth is, if you had waited, even if your man’s nozzle was as thin as spaghetti stick, it still would have effectively oiled her rig. But since they didn’t listen, how would the too pliable something that could com¬fortably swallow a thigh-sized chief of staff, effectively take a cucumber-sized chief of staff. It will surely get lost in wonderland.
I want to salute our mothers and grand¬mothers for their tenacity, who against all odds chose to go through the thick and thin with their husbands to seeing their husbands become the men they dreamt of together. Not like the contemporary wives who only want to lick their husband’s hand of success but distastes their hands of pain. If the few wise men do not stand their ground, these women will send them to their early grave. Everyone sure has his or her story to tell, but the truth is, patience is never too much ex¬cept if it’s not enough. May God bless your homes and may we all grow old together with our spouses to raise our children to¬gether.
•Biobaku O. Israel, a public ana¬lyst, author and writer writes in from Ilorin.08130709267

Re: Is your wife still with you?
I commend the wisdom and industry that reflect in your writing; but from my frank observation Madam, I strug¬gle not to tag you a female chauvinist. My reason: in your gender-based articles, you create the unfairest imbalance in apportioning blames and responsibilities between men and women. You totally blame the man for his adultery – “he couldn’t keep his zippers closed”. You also totally blame the man for his wife’s infidelity – “he couldn’t keep his wife at home, so the poor woman had to seek succor elsewhere”. In each topic you write on women, you commend and jus¬tify all they do, say or think; while totally condemning the husbands. But when you write on men, it’s still a judgment of guilty verdict and maximum sentence for the men, with acquittal and discharge for the women. You misrepresent the vices of few men as being generally ap¬plicable to all men, while also vesting the virtues of few women on the entirety of womenfolk. That compels me to wonder whether one bad apple now ruins the whole bunch, or whether the rare excep¬tion now unseats the rule.
For ready example, your caption above, “Is Your Wife Still with You?” blames the husband for losing the wife he still lives with. I’m sure when you write on the converse topic, “Is Your Husband still with You?”, it would still be an avalanche of blames on the husband for slipping off the palms of the “poor, innocent wife” who still lives with him. Haba, Auntie Funke! Are you really sure you are passing the correct message (or let me say, the in¬tended message) to the wives and potential wives? Methinks you create a dangerous and destructive mindset in our women especially the young girls who read you, that the men are responsible for everything while they, the women are responsible for nothing. I sincerely believe that a girl who avidly reads your column following its current trend, and walks into marriage or relationship with the resulting mindset would surely weep for it. That, I’m sure, is not your motive; but sadly, it is a strong likelihood, which you may discover by survey to be the reality. Thus your pen might be ruining what it seeks to build by offering your unwary female readers ready justifications for all their present and future sins. I therefore implore you Madam to create a perfect balance of gender respon¬sibilities in your articles in order to correct this mindset. Thank you, Ma.
–Jerome Okoro is reachable at 08035487564,

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Before APC joins its ancestors Sat, 13 Jun 2015 23:16:33 +0000 In Yorubaland, the Baale is a traditional ruler but he can­not and does not compare himself to an Oba. The Baale rules over a smaller domain, a village, a big village and at best, a small town. He has chiefs with whom he rules. He has slaves who work both in his palace and on [...]]]>

In Yorubaland, the Baale is a traditional ruler but he can­not and does not compare himself to an Oba. The Baale rules over a smaller domain, a village, a big village and at best, a small town. He has chiefs with whom he rules. He has slaves who work both in his palace and on his farm. He may not be very wealthy but he is the ‘ one who cannot be questioned.’ As far as the throne of his fathers is concerned, he has the final say. The Oba’s domain is big­ger. But as big, wealthy or powerful a Yoruba Oba is, in the days of old, the Alaafin was the supreme head, political and spiritual, of the Oyo Empire.

His coronation ceremonies consisted of processes and rites that are deeply spiri­tual, all of which are believed make the Alaafin a divine ruler – Alase Ekeji Orisa, second only to the gods. Under him are scores of towns and villages in the empire that were governed directly by the Alaafin. The not-so- important towns or far flung ones were headed by an Oba or Baale who paid annual tribute to the Alaafin. These Obas also had their own cabinets.

The Alaafin’s pronouncements, as a supreme leader, were binding on his subjects. His words were final. However, to protect the kingdom from power-drunk Alaafin, the Ogboni cult checked the excesses of the sacred throne. If an Alaafin became unpopular, his chiefs may refuse to visit his palace and also refuse to carry out ceremonial and religious functions.

According to Wikipedia, ‘The Oyo Mesi were seven principal council­lors of the state. They constituted the Elec­toral Council and possessed legislative powers.The Bashorun, Agbaakin, Samu, Alapini, Laguna, Akiniku and Ashipa are the seven members of this council. They represented the voice of the nation and had the chief responsibility of protecting the interests of the empire. The Alaafin was required to take counsel with them whenever any important matter affecting the state occurs. Each man had a state duty to perform at court every morning and afternoon.’

Every year, there was a festival during which the popularity and acceptability of the Alaafin was tested. Like a renewal of a gov­ernor’s tenure. It was a religious divination ceremony. It was called the Orun festival.

This religious divination, held every year, was to determine if the members of the Oyo Mesi were still on the same page with the Alaafin, otherwise the Bashorun presented the Alaafin with an empty calabash, or parrot’s egg as a sign that he must commit suicide. This was the only way to dethrone the Alaafin. Once given the parrot’s egg, the Bashorun would proclaim,

“the gods reject you,

the people reject you,

the earth rejects you.”

The moment this pronouncement was made, the Alaafin was expected to ‘act like a man’ and join his ancestors. But there was an interesting angle to the Alaafin’s forced courageous death; his eldest son, and the Samu, his personal counsellor and a member of the Oyo Mesi all had to commit suicide in order to renew the throne and start a new administration. This process and suicide cer­emony took place during the Orun festival.

So why are we having this refresher history class? Because the All Progressive Congress (APC) need to be reminded of a few important things, in case it has forgotten. We need to pull the ears of the leaders of our new ruling party. We need to remind them that there is an Orun festival ahead of them and unless they are prepared to ‘act like a man’, they must get their acts together.

For years, on this little platform, I shouted myself hoarse that PDP was singing the wrong songs and dancing the dance of death. I warned that the initiates must never allow the divination beads to pour away in the presence of the uninitiated but did they lis­ten? No, they in fact took their big masquer­ade to the village square to dance naked. All that is now history, sad history.

For the APC, it will indeed be sad if the demystification of the sacred masquerade happens so early in the day. It will be tragic if the elders who should know better forget that there are far reaching consequences and repercussions for the diviner who throws the oracle and its beads in the dust. There are things the initiates cannot do in public. There are things the initiates must not do in front of women. The soup in the belly of the elders must not shake. I hope the APC elders understand all these because I am afraid the naked skin of the ‘egungun’ is beginning to feed the eyes of children.

Once upon a time, there were small vil­lages called ANPP, AC, ACN, CPC, APGA. But with the birth of an empire called APC, everybody must change, the beat has changed so the dance steps must change. The village has grown into a kingdom com­plete with Baales, Obas and the council of elders like the Oyo Mesi of the Oyo Empire. Caution, wisdom, patience must come into the mix otherwise, everything that brought the APC this far will dissipate right before its eyes like fine dust on a windy day.

For the APC, this new dawn that brought it nationwide success and acceptance comes with challenges and responsibility. The party must be ready to pay the price of being the ruling party otherwise this party will be over before it starts. And considering what hap­pened on June 9 and how the PDP ‘saw an opportunity and seized it’, I do not think the elders in APC need special interpretation of this ‘agidigbo’ drum. The PDP held sway for 16 solid years. It is now in the cold and its members know the difference. The out­come, especially on the floor of the Senate, on June 9 showed the difference between a Jambite and a professor. The APC must never forget that the PDP has learnt its lesson and can and will deploy its 16-year experi­ence in power every time it gets a chance to ease its way back into the scheme of things.

And now, a very important reality that the APC must accommodate by fire and by force. Being a national party means that there will be national leaders. Becoming a big party means that there are now many big boys in that party. In fact, there are now 36 power houses, 36 big boys (at least) and 36 Babas in APC. Most of those who left PDP to join APC were very big boys long before APC was formed. They were used to calling the shots. They had their own palaces and chiefs. They decided who became what in their domains and they brought those domains into the APC as added value. It will be impossible for these men who were already godfathers four years ago to become godsons today. This is the reality of the day for this big national party. It is full of former governors, influential men, wealthy men with thriving political empires. But that should be an advantage, not an albatross. If all the big men work together, the party will get bigger but if they all resort to my- Mercedes-is-bigger-than-yours rivalry, this big party will soon bite the dust and become the party that made history twice in four years ; first as the first party to unseat a sitting president and then as the ruling party that disintegrated in less than four years, and wouldn’t that be totally sad. I don’t even want to imagine PDP’s gloating celebration. My fear for APC is further worsened by the loud silence of some very powerful big boys even in the face of the party’s current challenges. Why are they so quiet, these men that we know as vocal and daring politicians?

However, in case APC decides to ignore this warning, let us go back to what must necessarily happen when an Alaafin is forced to join his ances­tors. Hs eldest son, and the Samu, his personal counsellor and a member of the Oyo Mesi all must also commit suicide to pave way for a fresh start. I am reiterating this part so that if there are elders who think reconciliation, forgiveness are beneath them, let them know that the party won’t go down alone. There will be joint suicide. Worst of all, Nigerians have no respect for yesterday’s men and that is what ALL the big boys in APC will become if the party is forced to join its ancestors.

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Their first Monday out of office Sat, 30 May 2015 23:06:57 +0000 For others, it was another Saturday, just another day. For me it was a special day, a significant Saturday. It was my first Saturday outside the office of the Editor, Sunday Sun. My first free Saturday in five years. I was not looking for a lead story or frantically working my phones to find out [...]]]>

For others, it was another Saturday, just another day. For me it was a special day, a significant Saturday. It was my first Saturday outside the office of the Editor, Sunday Sun. My first free Saturday in five years. I was not looking for a lead story or frantically working my phones to find out if the Bureau Chiefs had ‘something’ for me. I was not cursing a certain telecoms provider , under my breath, for the slow internet connection . I was free, free from elder statesmen who die at 9.00pm just when you are getting ready to put the paper to bed and then you have to start all over again. I was free from the panic of discovering I had missed one major story or the other. I was free from my heart threaten­ing to jump out of my chest if I saw a call, after church, from the Editor-in-Chief, because it always meant trouble if it couldn’t wait till Monday morning management meeting.

So, when I woke up that Saturday morning, I decided to make the day memorable by doing everything I could not do for five years. One, my phones were going to remain on silent all day. I was not going to do anything in a hurry and I would read my newspapers when I was good and ready because it would be for pleasure, not for follow-up stories.

I put on my house coat and took my scrabble set to the balcony. I played till evening. In my house coat, I had my breakfast and lunch. I had a bottle of coke. I soaked in the day, luxuriated in my new-found free Saturday. And the following day, in church, I danced to my heart’s content. I had so much to thank God for, so so much.

And now I imagine what the Presi­dent, Vice President and the governors who were ‘sworn out’ on Friday are doing now. I wonder what their first Monday, their first Monday out of office will be like. Will they eat breakfast and lunch before having their shower like me? Well, I bring you answers, from the deep recesses of their minds. Yeah, I found my way there, somehow. Let’s go.

Ex-President Goodluck Jona­than

‘This is a day I must start with a steaming bowl of yam pepper soup complete with freshly caught fish from Otuoke river. I can finally eat in my pyjamas or shorts, with my fingers. I can eat ‘fufu’ for breakfast and go back to sleep if I so wish, in fact. Because now, I am finally free from Oby Ezekwesili and her Bring-Back-Our-Girls Brigade. I slept last night without seeing those people and their red uniform. I whole heartedly bequeath Oby and her people to President Buhari, along with the fuel marketers and their strange mathematics. Alive, dead or in hiding, Abubakar Shekau and every acre of the Sambisa forest I will to Mr Buhari. Today, my wife will do my pedicure and I will give her a thorough massage, away from the eyes and ears of hunters of grammatical errors. Let nobody ask me questions about the queues at fill­ing stations, even I bought black market yesterday. And it is better to buy black market than to be blamed for fuel scarcity, trust me.

Chaiii, what didn’t Nigerians blame me for? Even when their daughters couldn’t find suitors, it was Jonathan’s fault. But today, especially today, the Lord has deliv­ered me from your clutches into the warm embrace of my wife.’

Ex-Governor Babatunde Raji Fashola

Standing in front of the mirror and checking out his almost completely grey head.

‘Even if I can’t turn back the hands of the clock on all this grey hair, I can stop new ones from joining them. I must also find a stylish way of wearing my grey. Maybe I should add a centre parting this morning, after all , I’m just a father and husband today.

There is no EXCO (Executive Council) meeting today and for a change I’m going to play football this morning. I will return to an unusual heavy lunch and a sweaty glass of something silky on the tongue. Today, let Mr Ambode worry about the tankers and truckers on Apapa-Oshodi Expressway. I can just curl up on the sofa today and spend time catching up on major football matches that I missed while I was running around Lagos. Isn’t it just wonder­ful not to have to worry about when Lagos doctors will go on strike this year and how to get them back to work? And the rains are starting too. May there be no flooding this year.

It’s really nice , you know, not to be the one who gets blamed by the rich for paying too much taxes and the poor for banning ‘okada’. Funny how people want a clean Lagos and some still don’t want to pay for refuse disposal. And then there were those horrible building collapses just be­cause some people would rather worry about their profits than human lives. Lagos is a complicated place and I sure am glad I’m done. Today, I can just be Abimbola’s husband and not BRF, the governor. In fact, I think I’ll sleep a little bit more and play football tomorrow morning.

Ex-Governor Emmanuel Udu­aghan

‘Eight years governing Delta no be beans. Thank God for journey mercies. That was one long ride. Right now, this morning, it’s time to stretch my legs and just soak in this Warri sun. I’ll just tie my wrapper and let the cool breeze in. I don’t have to worry about anything but eating fresh fish in different forms today. And then I need to do a ‘refresher course’ on how to fix and unfix diapers. Yeah, I’m considering being a full-time grandpa, among other things. Local Tennis league coach for kids is also on the card and I’m starting with my granddaughter. For today, I’ll just attend to my wife, if you know what I mean. A man’s got to catch up on lost time, grandpa or no grandpa.’

Ex-Governor Gabriel Suswam

‘Did someone say Benue state is owing workers’ salaries and the unions are going on strike? That is so sad. Poor Governor Ortom. The economy is bad, so bad and the government must fix it. The gov­ernor must find a way to pay teachers and all. Can you imagine being able to just watch television with your phones switched off and blame somebody called ‘government’ for every trouble? All those years trying to balance the accounts while my head throbbed non-stop and everybody blamed me for not paying salaries as if I was hiding the money under my bed. Now, I can just join the complainants and critics and harass Ortom. This is the day the Lord has made, certainly.

Can I have another glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, please?’

Ex-Governor Babangida Aliyu

I’m finally free from my elder broth­ers, those old powerful men whose calls you can’t ignore. In fact, if they call you while you are performing your conjugal duties, you must hurry up. You know them, don’t you? Yeah, the powerful gods of Minna. Now, I can just drink my ‘nunu’ like any retiree. I think I am a Minna god in the making too and I can join the pantheon as a junior god. So, from here on, I will hold court under this big tree and enjoy my freedom.’

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Thinking about May 29 Sat, 23 May 2015 23:00:50 +0000 As I lazed in bed this morning, because my first appointment wasn’t an early one, my mind wandered and wondered. I am happy for those who will be sworn in on May 29 but I don’t envy them and the days ahead. This is the first instalment of my thoughts. On Delta It had been [...]]]>

As I lazed in bed this morning, because my first appointment wasn’t an early one, my mind wandered and wondered. I am happy for those who will be sworn in on May 29 but I don’t envy them and the days ahead. This is the first instalment of my thoughts.

On Delta
It had been a long day, briefing ushers, checking out the venue of the conference, ensuring the secretariat had a comfortable space. As the Chairman of the Local Organising Committee of the Nigerian Guild of Editors Conference, holding in Asaba that year, my team was ready for the next phase of our long day but our transport was missing. Kindly, Oma Djebah, a senior colleague and top state official in Delta offered his SUV to drop us off at our hotel. At the first junction, a young man in a hurry,  and obviously pissed off at something  from where he was coming brushed the side of the SUV we were in. Note: he brushed our vehicle. But before we could say ‘finger of God’, the guy was out of his jalopy, spewing venom and accusing us of all kinds of crimes. Flexing his little chest, he challenged the DRIVER, dared us to arrest him, told us he wasn’t afraid of the government number plate or the police escort. He would not listen or reason or consider the traffic jam that was building up because of his anger that even those in his car couldn’t understand. For those of us from Lagos, we were shocked, then amused and then angry. Where we came from, we showed respect to those who run our affairs. We do not block their official vehicles… It was a scene that I’ve never forgotten, an instructive episode.
Dr Ifeanyi Okowa, I’m sure you understand your people more than an outsider but I think Deltans are more complex than Lagosians. You will need plenty of patience to run Delta. Fortunately, your predecessor, Dr Emmanuel Uduaghan was born without ‘boisterous exteriority’  (according to Sam Omatseye on Friday). He wears a face even POKER players will die for, a calm man with a tight grip on his emotions. I guess that kind of character helps you to stay focussed, ignore distraction. Ability to stay calm in the worst of situations is one of the attributes of a medical doctor too. So, as this baton passes from one doctor to another, let the calmness remain. You must learn to listen long and talk less.
Dr Okowa, when you hear annoying comments, when you are accused of crimes you don’t even know exit, wear your POKER face. I’m sure Uduaghan has a warehouse-full of dead-pan faces for all occasions. Do not waste time on sycophants and get-rich-or-die-trying folks. It is Okowa that will be assessed in four years. If you take your eyes off the ball, and there are so many balls to juggle, you end up with the short end of the stick.
If a man can cultivate his farm, trespassers will not start ‘shifting cultivation’ on his property. That is why the Micro Credit Scheme must not die because it has not only held families together, it has reduced idle hands and angry hearts.
Those model schools should remain up and running and then the governor-elect can then add the Okowa touch. Women constitute a large percentage of voters, please ensure maternal mortality remains down. Above all, the peace Delta enjoys now must not break down.
These are my thoughts, or at least some of them, for now.

On Lagos
Mr Ambode, Mr Ambode, Mr Ambode, how many times did I call? This is a changed Lagos you are inheriting, a Lagos with high expectations because we are already used to certain standards. The last eight years, for instance, has shown us that political will is important in political office. While people like me were ‘afraiding’ that Babatunde Fashola would most certainly be pursued and flogged in his dreams by masquerades for his decision to clean up ‘Oshodi’, the governor simply stayed awake and supervised the planting of ‘fine fine’ flowers where Indian hemp used to be smoked. And if a man does not sleep, he cannot  have bad dreams. So, the evil masquerades lost and BRF won. In other words, Mr Ambode, when you take certain decisions, make certain policies, you cannot sleep.
Again, have you noticed that the ‘Okada’ riders are back in full annoying force on the highway? You should see them doing dangerous ‘U-turns’ on Apapa-Oshodi Expressway and riding without helmets on Agege Motor Road. We understand that the party needed their votes but, well, now that we have their votes, can we save these hard working people from themselves? Of course, it’s gonna be tough telling them that there are no replacement limbs and spare skulls and spines in Alausa but you, Mr Ambode , has to convince them that you don’t want the blood of Lagosians on your hands. And the hospitals are stretched thin.
And now, the big one. BRF has done plenty of work with and on Lagos State University but that is one institution that is determined to ruin itself. When the folks in there are not carrying sacrifices like witchdoctors in Africa Magic Yoruba, they are withdrawing degrees or certificates that had already been awarded. And to show that they can beat their own records, they chased, yes chased, their own Vice Chancellor out of his office and into the streets and all the way outta the gates. Are you seeing the images I’m seeing? The poor VC running with his academic gown flying like a parachute, his cap flying in the winds, one shoe off, his tie threatening to strangle him until God rescued him from his stubborn pursuers. Don’t even laugh. This is a serious matter of urgent state importance. LASU people are determined to turn that ivory tower into a wooden tower. Mr Ambode, you have to talk to these people. There are serious problems in that place and I don’t agree with Steve Nwosu’s explanation that it is because LASU shares a fence with a motor park because UNILAG’s Great Akokites do not behave like Akoka is a bus stop. There’s just something deeply wrong about this state university.
In summary, from where I stand, political will, determination to please Lagosians and leave an enduring legacy is why Fashola has become a reference point and synonym for performance. If a SAN  hands over the baton to an A+, we expect nothing less than a sterling performance. Indeed, Lagos expects Ambode to beat Fashola in every subject…
And finally , the big masquerade, the President-elect, Mr  Mohammadu Buhari. I am a small girl and not expected to pull the ears of old men but the buck totally stops on Baba’s table. The fuel queues must disappear. Boko Haram must become history. Chibok girls must return. The economy must get out of the wheel chair. We must see and feel and enjoy this change. We must. Baba, we will praise you if this is the beginning of a new day in Nigeria but if you don’t deliver, you will carry the can, not APC leaders, not Arewa , not the ministers they force on you. You will explain to Nigerians what you did with their hopes and excitement , their sacrifices.
I will pray for you every day. That is all this girl can promise.

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Is your wife still with you? Sun, 17 May 2015 00:20:50 +0000 There’s more to being a husband than just paying the bride price and buying a designer wedding gown. It even goes beyond performing your conjugal duties. Too many men these days are too busy doing so many things that they do not notice how dissatisfied and unhappy their wives are. They just move from day [...]]]>

There’s more to being a husband than just paying the bride price and buying a designer wedding gown. It even goes beyond performing your conjugal duties. Too many men these days are too busy doing so many things that they do not notice how dissatisfied and unhappy their wives are. They just move from day to day believing their marriages are perfect just because they are good in bed and are picking the right bills. Great. Every woman loves a man who leaves her ‘finished’ in bed. Every wife loves a cheerful giver, in and out of bed. It is easier to call a man who provides ‘daddy’ or ‘my lord’ than the one his wife has to give subsidy. It’s the truth, like it or not.

A good husband is the one who notices what goes on around him. He’s the man who can sense when his wife is upset with him and by that I do not mean when she fakes a headache or tells him ’don’t touch me’ when he wants to get value for the bride price he paid. Women are strong beings. They can multi-task. They can be in extreme pain and still go about their duties like nothing is happening. Whether the pain is physical or psychological, a wife most likely will make time to shop, cook, go to work, attend family events, play her role in church, Asalatu…. the things women hide under layers and layers of concealer, founda­tion and powder? Only God can decode us.

So, I really don’t blame some husbands who can’t understand why their wives blow their tops over something trivia. They simply are the men not in tune with their environ­ment. Women have uncommon talent to bottle things up which is why they have enough space on their inside to carry as many as six babies at a time. Every woman is created with the ability to hide things on her inside. She’s got plenty of space in her. Unfortunately, because a pregnant woman can log her pregnancy around for 40 weeks, in addition to all the other things she can do, the world just assumes that she’s cool on the inside too. Not true. If that were true, there would be no screaming or gnashing of teeth when a woman goes into labour.

So, when a wife flips her lid, it’s because she’s been logging her pain around for so long. When a woman walks out of a 15 year old marriage, don’t box her into a stereotype corner. You do not know how long she had been in pain and tried and tried for this not to happen.

Take a good look at your wife: is she happy or pretending to be happy?

Beneath the designer make-up, is she still the woman who promised to

love you forever or is your bride gone? Are you sure she is still yours and yours alone? Be honest with yourself, if you can’t answer these questions with a spontaneous yes, you’ve got work to do. And don’t panic, you are not alone. Many husbands are in the same boat with you. They simply have stopped listening to and noticing their wives. They have taken their wives for granted for so long they do not know those women are no longer on the ride with them.

Consider what these women had to say about their husbands, their marriages or what is left of them.

Maria’s (you didn’t think I’d tell you her real names, did you?) problem is she does not really know what her husband does for a living. ‘He was a banker when we got married. He was doing well too until two years ago when he lost his job. Suddenly he is richer than all our friends, doing only God-knows-what. He bought me a Toyota Camry and a Honda Pilot. He gets all kinds of phone calls at odd hours and takes them away from earshot. I have been to his new office but what I saw them doing definitely cannot account for our new-found wealth. He told me he is an importer and representative of a foreign consortium. He now has bodyguards and for the first time in my life, I know what a bullet-proof vest looks like. He’s not telling me much and I live in fear. I have nightmares in which I see him in a pool of blood or somebody wearing a hood dragging my two children away from me. Maybe it is from watching too many movies but I have a feeling I would be endangering my life if I ask too many questions. I am smart enough to know he is involved in some sort of crime. And I will not wait until gunmen storm this house to kill him in front of my children and me, or watch my family become a spectacle on YouTube before I do some­thing. Once we go on summer holiday in the next couple of weeks, I am staying put in America with my children.’

See Tony’s life? He thinks all is well with his family, that is wife is happy but what does he know? Nothing. His wife is about to leave him. And I figure he would tell people three or four months from now that Maria left him for a rich American. Meanwhile, we all know the poor woman is running for her life.

And there is Molola who owns a chain of supermarket but is married to the kind of man we used to call No Future Ambi­tion (NFA). ‘My husband just loves the good life and does not mind me funding his reprobate ways. He’s never been able to hold down a job for longer than two years. When he’s not walking off a job because it is too tedious and affecting his health, he is being sacked for lack of pro­ductivity. He manages to pay the rent but I pick all the other bills. Even the children now know it is a waste of time to go to him for anything.

They all come to me. Even his siblings. I feel so totally unmarried, completely unfulfilled. He drinks with my money, gives his girlfriends treats with the sweat of my brows. I am unhappy. I have even considered leaving him but where will I go with three young children?

What will the world, my parents and children say? I put a happy face on every­day but I am dying on the inside. Maybe I’ll leave him. It may not be now but I know one day I’d reach the end of my tether. It’s a tragedy waiting to happen.

So, guys, is your wife still with you or are you holding on to a shadow or something that once was.

Editor’s note:

This piece was first published on August 11, 2013. Funke Egbemode will return refreshingly different next week.

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Landmines and ambush Sun, 10 May 2015 00:18:51 +0000 Kaka: I am worried, very worried for Buhari. Koko: Badly placed preposition. Aren’t you supposed to be worried about Buhari, not for Buhari? Kaka: Prof, clap for yourself but this is not a syntax class. I am worried for Buhari. Koko: Okay, explain yourself because I don’t understand why some small Nigerian like you has [...]]]>

Kaka: I am worried, very worried for Buhari.

Koko: Badly placed preposition. Aren’t you supposed to be worried about Buhari, not for Buhari?

Kaka: Prof, clap for yourself but this is not a syntax class. I am worried for Buhari.

Koko: Okay, explain yourself because I don’t understand why some small Nigerian like you has to worry for or on behalf of the President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Kaka: Have you seen the fuel queues?

Koko: Everybody has seen the fuel queues and that is a Jonathan and PDP matter.

Kaka: Until May 29 when it will become an APC matter and we will all start shouting Buhari’s name.

Koko: The queues would have gone by then.

Kaka: And you got that assurance from who, Madam Okonjo-Iweala who is insisting that the marketers are padding the subsidy debt or the marketers who said the minister is a bad debtor?

Koko: Somehow the marketers will get paid.

Kaka: And what if somehow Madam Minister does not pay?

Koko: Then the queues will remain.

Kaka: I thought you said the queues would have disappeared by May 29? See, there is no way Nigerians will remain in love with Buhari if they can’t find fuel and I have a strong feeling that both the federal government and the mar­keters will still be dragging this who-ow­es-who-what till May 29 and that means fuel will remain a scarce commodity. Then Nigerians will pull their angry nails from Jonathan’s neck and sink them into Buhari’s back,

Koko: Chaaii, that is bad imagery.

Kaka: Nigerians are a people who fall out of love easily…

Koko: In other words, you foresee a short-lived honeymoon?

Kaka: There might be no honeymoon at all. People are already putting pad­locks on their fuel tanks.

Koko: And an angry bride means a frustrated groom and then an unhappy marriage. What do we do now? Maybe we should remove this frustrating fuel subsidy. That way, the marketers will sell at prices that suit their profit margins.

Kaka: Awesome, do you know what that means? Like N100 per litre or even more. And what will Nigerians think of this President that they thought will bring fuel price down to N40?

Koko: N40 ke? Who are the people who have been having that unrealistic dream? I think the subsidy should just go once and for all otherwise these marketers will have our balls in a vice grip forever.

Kaka: Painful imagery. So we should get ready for increase in pump price of PMS?

Koko: That is my suggestion. It’s like the circumcision process for a baby boy, very painful at first but when it heals and she starts circumcising women and actual­ising the pounding theory, he forgets all the pain. Let’s just do it…

Kaka: Chaaaiii, there is God oooo. Is this not the same you screaming blue murder and ‘occupying everywhere’ when Jonathan muted the idea of subsidy removal? I saw APC lawmakers shooting down the motion to end fuel subsidy on Tuesday.

Koko: Eeem…well, it is the spirit of ‘change’. Things have changed. Why are the PDP lawmakers also saying the country can no longer spend money it doesn’t have?

Kaka: That is also in the spirit of change. Everybody is changing.

Koko: Or maybe we now have more money than we used to have, abi?

Kaka: And so many states are owing hefty salaries? That is another issue that has me worried for the President-elect. How do you keep this bride in love and satisfied if she is unhappy? No fuel, no salary.

Koko: It is PDP ambush. It is the PDP governors who went to borrow, they are the ones who refused to pay workers for job already done.

Kaka: Some of the debtor governors are APC governors o.

Koko: Well, whatever, but it is the Jona­than government that is laying landmines all over the place.

Kaka: For me, who lays the ambush and the landmines does not matter, the real issue is how do we get past this with our heads still intact?

Koko: That is why the governors-elect are worried and running around already.

Kaka: My advice is the incoming gov­ernors should work with the out-going ones instead of fighting them on how to sort out the salary palaver because going after their predecessors with EFCC and ICPC and DSS won’t solve their problems. No matter what a governor does, if he owes salaries, he will remain unpopular.

Koko: I don’t want to imagine teach­ers and doctors going on strike at the same time. And it will be worse if it is a national strike.

Kaka: And now that we have two NLCs, we can end up with a deregulated strike market.

Koko: What is deregulated strike?

Kaka: Either of the factions can call out a strike and start enough confusion to dis­tract any governor. add the unpaid salaries complications to fuel queues and subsidy and multiply the effects of both with fall-outs of increase in pump prrice of petrol, aviation fuel and kerosene.

Koko: The sum total is mean.

Kaka: Plus the Chibok girls are still missing?

Koko: Ah ah, but they went missing on the watch of Mr Jonathan o. How does that become Buhari’s headache?

Kaka: If after May 29, those girls are still missing, Buhari will inherit the ‘where are the Chibok girls’ question.

Koko: Now, I am beginning to get worried too.

Kaka: Add all that to those who sold houses to win the election and now Mr Buhari said they cannot do ‘things’ to recoup their investment. Are you sure those kinds of politicians will allow the new President clean this Aegean stable? As we speak, they are holding all-night meetings to ensure nobody pours ‘sand sand in their garri.’

Koko: Are you serious?

Kaka: I heard one of them who sold two houses in Abuja saying Buhari is on his own .

Koko: Problem from within and without. We really need to start praying for Sai Baba. Besides, the President-elect has asked Nigerians to be patient with him, that we should give him time.

Kaka: Patience already went home with good luck o. Patience is something Nigerians don’t have right now. They invested everything in Sai Baba and they want a quick return on their invest­ment.

Re: Wives and mistresses

Funke, you are something else. What with your female under wears of today. You represent brain and sexiness. Na wah for you… in the best meaning of the phrase. And by the way, all your prophecies regarding Jonathan and his PDP are coming to pass. I knew they would.


Your title on Wives and Mistresses is a master piece. I have been laugh­ing from the time I read the first line to the last. My sister, you are too much. It is good you are the one telling us. I am guilt of some of those allegations but I have a mixed bag of all. Some old school, and some new school. However after reading your article I have decided to do a major makeover. I have not done badly though having been married for 30 years.

‘What shall it promise me to wear the wedding band while ‘Susie’ gets all the bonding?’

Oga Madams, a word is enough for the wise. And a stitch in time saves nine

Yours in this race called marriage,

–Zika, canticleschambers@gmail. com

Your thoughts on relationships espe­cially marriage is very enlightening .

Yes, ladies and women need to dress to attract their husbands and keep them hopefully away from mistresses.

But firstly, women are like children such that when they are encouraged in this line, they most times overdo and become unmanageable.

Secondly, I tell you that the best way to keep your husband or wife to your ONLY ONE network is your attitude and care towards one another.

If a woman over-exposes her vital parts like rounded and pointed boobs and waistlines, it makes exploration too easy and quick. Then some men may also misunderstand it for waywardness and ‘cheapness’.

Thanks for a great job.


A glad heart makes a hap­py face, it also makes a happy relationship . No matter the age of a woman ,she still remains the dar­ling of her husband, that is if her masquerade learns how to dance gracefully , dancing grace­fully connotes all your admonitions and counselling , what you did not in­clude is being organised. Ev­ery couple must have an admirer no matter how terrible their situation might be, rich , poor , cripple even the wives of G. Os and GOs them­selves are not left out. Most of these admirers might not be known to the woman or the man con­cerned initially, If any of them fails in his or her responsibilities, an avenue would be created for moles to perfect their trade of giving the tag of “ No occupants” to a hab­itable mansion. Couples should please guide their relationships jealously. Mine is an eye that had taken cog­nizance of the oceans and la­goons, Thank you Madam.

–Fadeyibi Felix, 08035685243.

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Wives and mistresses Sun, 03 May 2015 00:50:25 +0000 Let’s take a look at your underwear drawers. Let’s see what you’ve got in there; black, white things, full pants, full-cup bras with wide straps. Slips that are brown and body shapers without frills and lace. Don’t tell me I’m right, ma’am? Your under wears are actually in those colours? Geez, you are the ‘BORING [...]]]>

Let’s take a look at your underwear drawers. Let’s see what you’ve got in there; black, white things, full pants, full-cup bras with wide straps. Slips that are brown and body shapers without frills and lace. Don’t tell me I’m right, ma’am? Your under wears are actually in those colours? Geez, you are the ‘BORING WOMAN of the Year’. Practical underwears are boring because underwears are not supposed to be boring. They are supposed to be titillating, exciting, sexy. So, because you are a wife now, you think your man’s senses have retired? If only you know. But since you think neat and practical knickers are the best wife -investment since economic meltdown, let’s take a trip somewhere.

Here’s what a mistress’ lingerie closet looks like. First, it’s scented. Then the colours are peach, sweet pink, sexy red, valentine lilac, mesmerising orange, drowsy blue, lip-smacking orange. There are  g-strings and thongs . She wears full panties too but hers have hooks that ‘he’ can undo with his eyes closed and bows that he can loosen with his teeth before he moves on to the heart of the matter. A mistress’ bras have supports that support her cause and case but they can be unhooked from the front in one swift move. Even when it is a full-cup, it offers no resistance. The half-cup ones are unmanned borders, very porous.

Madam, let us inspect your night wears. Goodness me gracious God, are those long, floor-length cotton things I see? Some even have sleeves. They reveal nothing too. Do you shop for these things blindfolded or you actually think your husband has gone blind? You thing those pink petals around the high neck is sexy, don’t you? You need deliverance from the spirit called taking-your-husband-for-granted. Let’s take another trip into the mistress’ closet.

Ahhh, white clingy stuff that looks like she ‘s poured into it when she wears it. See that pale blue one, it stops at the hips with the straps falling all over the place. The guy’s got no problem getting to the ignition. The only ‘full’ thing in there are the shorts and top that looked like they were made from four handkerchiefs and the short, small as it is, has two buttons, totally well-positioned too. What is a man supposed to do when a full-bodied woman opens the door wearing that kind of thing, after a long day and even a longer traffic jam? Poor guy’s gonna want to eat something before his dinner. Yeah, he’s got my vote too.

Let’s check out your hair-do.  That style has been on your head, unwashed for three, four weeks? And it’s all tangled and smelling like locust-bean shop. How does he HUG someone smelling like that? What’s wrong with changing your hair style twice a month if you can’t afford ‘real fake hair’? Keep it clean and tangle-free so the pillow doesn’t smell like something the cat dragged in.

Hi, Mr Husband and head of the family, when last did you compliment your wife, her new look (did you even notice that she just cut her hair and reshaped her brows)? No, if it is the fine-girl-no-pimples, yes that one, you’ll pay for the hair, drop her at the salon and pat the hair on the way home. You just take your wife for granted because you think she’s reached the last bus stop. Hmmm, you think? I don’t.  But you pay ‘Susie’ plenty of attention because you know she can tear up her MEMBERSHIP card with you or decamp or even do anti-party while still pretending to be yours.

Taking each other for granted is one thing all couples are guilty of. A sad fact. Marriage, love, RELATIONSHIPS are like flower beds, if you don’t tend them, weeds will overpower and choke it to death. Guys, put half of what you put into your money-making ventures into your marriage. Pamper your wives and stop thinking they are stuck. No WOMAN is ever stuck because that thing you love about her, there’s some man, in fact a dozen men, who have mergers and or acquisition designs on her. And Madam married woman, what shall it profit a wife if she wears the wedding band while ‘Susie’ gets all the bonding. Think of that when you tie a wrapper above your breasts tonight instead of the sexiest eye-popping, balls-tweaking negligee.



A widow’s chemical dream

(published Sunday June 19, 2011)

I had a dream and in it, I found myself in 2015. I saw President Goodluck Jonathan at a Presidential handover ceremony. The venue looked like the Eagle Square, Abuja. The atmosphere was a very festive one. The aso-ebi were in all colours of the rainbow. There were PEOPLE dancing and drummers drumming. Suddenly I noticed that there were more brooms than umbrellas being waved in the air. Then I looked at the podium and saw that the President was handing over to an opposition party candidate. Yes, I saw Dr Goodluck Jonathan , a PDP President, handing over the reins of power to a candidate from a party that is not PDP. I screamed Tufiakwa. Then I woke up. 

That must sound like a bad dream or even a nightmare to PDP but there is really no cause for alarm yet for the party that has sworn to rule Nigeria for 60 years. After all, it was the product of the head or mind or both of a widow. And considering the amount of sedatives I was pumped with, it probably was just a chemical dream.

However, after a bottle of soft drink, I was calmer and began to think that maybe the former PDP chairman, Sir Vincent Ogbulafor, who first predicted that PDP will rule Nigeria for 60 years actually meant to say 16.

You know if you have a sore throat or catarrh, 60 may come out as 16. And if PDP will rule for 16 years and it started in 1999, wouldn’t 2015 be the terminal DATE? And with what has happened to the largest party in Africa in the last few weeks, one can’t help but wonder if PDP would retain any state or its stake at the national level in the next election. Nothing seems to be looking up in that party. Or am I the only seeing this? And then that chemical dream… well, it’s just a product of a sedative-infested mind. Nothing to worry about.



I had forgotten all about the piece above until friends and readers started making reference to it and asking me to dream and predict what would happen in 2019. So, I went into my archives, pulled it and I smiled. I thought I should read it aloud again on this page.


Re: A working mum is a super woman

As always, this s a super write-up. It’s those pretentious, lazy and envious women who lack the knowledge of what a working ‎mother goes through that can put up blames on situation like this. It is high time women in Nigeria come together and SEEK working conditions that are conducive for working mothers. Incoming female legislators have a lot to do in this respect. Flexible working hours could be slated for women who have children below age five and I bet you if well structured and monitored will not affect their productivity, rather it’ll enhance it. 

The society should move above certain cultural biases, paternity leave should be approved for men or casual leave to take care of family issues if there is need for that. Men should know that a man who watches the wife slave it alone in the house is a weakling with inferiority complex. A strong and complete man helps his wife out so that at the end of it the pounder and poundee’ll have a lovely and enjoyable pounding that freshens them up for the next day.

–Dr Mrs Nkiru Ifekwem

The travails of the Orekoyas as a key point in this article is so sad, pathetic but thought-provoking.

The only group of women that should engage in time-consuming types of work are the DIVORCEES and widows because they are forced to take the responsibilities of the fathers to their children.

Couples with young children must ensure one of them engages in either TRADING or a line of work that gives them time to monitor the children, ensure their safety and proper upbringing.

Can anyone trade his/her child(dren) for any amount of MONEY EARNED from a paid job? The answer is clearly a no. Ask Mrs Orekoya if she could go to her work or even think of whatever meetings or engagements during those days her children were with the abductors?

You were also very, very unfair to the men as you painted a bad picture of how callous and uncaring husbands are in assisting their wives especially at home.

Finally I want to tell you that maids are now a great danger due to the level of poverty, greed and insecurity in our country.

Thanks for highlighting this issue of housemaids again so couples could think deeply before engaging any maid.

–Yusuf Ajeka 

This is cool, true picture, just as if caught on camera! Please encourage every struggling WOMAN, even the weakest is a super mum!

–Omage Tope Orhionsefe

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Lost womanhood Sun, 26 Apr 2015 01:25:49 +0000 There is a common complaint we have all heard from husbands at one time or the other. •My wife can no longer satisfy me in bed, •She just lies there like a log of wood, •She just wants me to get it over with so she can sleep. •It’s like I have suddenly developed a [...]]]>

There is a common complaint we have all heard from husbands at one time or the other.

•My wife can no longer satisfy me in bed,

•She just lies there like a log of wood,

•She just wants me to get it over with so she can sleep.

•It’s like I have suddenly developed a terrible body odour she can’t stand.

•She pretends to be asleep when I get into the bedroom so I will not touch her.

Have you heard all of them, and girls, how many of these sins are you guilty of? But come to think of it, that is like starting the story from the middle. How exactly does a woman move from being the hot bird in bed to the dreary log of wood, in the same bed? What makes a well-stacked woman suddenly lose all feeling in her stacks? How does a woman who couldn’t get enough of her boyfriend metamorphose into a cold wife? This same woman who used to sneak into her guy’s room when his parents went for a stroll is now the wife who feigns headache, menstrual pain, malaria, waist pain, all in one week, just to avoid her husband’s attention. Why would a woman who knew all the tricky quickies in the car, kitchen, even in his office suddenly lose all touch and expertise after marriage? Oh oh, even you are wondering.  I mean, does frigidity happen overnight?

But it is happening everywhere, okay, almost everywhere. I hear there are still a lot of hot women who are still totally hot at 50 and after 20 years of marriage. Their poor husbands are left panting hard and trying to keep up. That story is for another day. Today is about once-upon-a-time hot babes who are now cold fishes.

Sadly, most husbands just get grumpy, angry, belligerent, mean and eventually seek solace in the arms of another hot babe, leaving the cold wife in her cold place. I’m sure an unresponsive wife can be very frustrating. She leaves the man wondering if he’s still a he-man or what? And we all know that a man with all his loads in the right place is not a man to keep at arm’s length. Uh uh, you keep your man close to your chest or he will stray. Not that he needs any excuse to stray, he is a natural hunter, always looking for a prey, something to devour. Even the ones that are well-serviced still operate deregulated libidos.

So, as the Chairman, National Assembly Joint Committee on Intimate Affairs, I decided to investigate. Or…well, the answers to the posers fell in my lap.

Maria and Laolu (not real names, of course) and I have been friends for about five years. They are a sweet couple. Maria is a senior manager in one of the first generation banks while Laolu was a big shot insurance executive. He lost his job about two years ago and since then has not be able to find another. Maria slipped easily and effectively into the role of the breadwinner. She made sure the children didn’t have to change schools. She took a loan and paid two years rent. She seemed happy and very supportive of her man. I was all praises for her and told a few of our friends who are fellows of the Chartered Institute of Nagging Wives to borrow a leaf from Maria. Until one wet Saturday morning when Laolu came knocking on my door.

Maria was far from the good happy wife I thought. She had been hoarding her honey pot and freezing out Laolu.

‘I virtually have to go on my knees to sleep with my wife. Somewhere inside her head is a time table for when I can and cannot touch her. And when she let me, it was always like she was somewhere else. I simply can’t recognise this woman she has become. In every area she has been strong and supportive but I think she’s having an affair. If she’s not getting it outside, why does she suddenly find my touch repulsive?’

Aaaah, I knew calling my friend and pulling her ears was a matter of urgent national importance. I summoned her pronto. I told her what Laolu told me. First she got angry that her husband was accusing her of infidelity, then she threatened to move out and then she broke down and wept plenty.

‘Funke, I’m not having an affair and I can swear on my children’s lives. I’m just not feeling like a woman any longer. I feel like a slave. I feel like Laolu is taking me for granted. He cannot see what working like a horse is doing to me. The doctor has called both of us and warned me to slow down, work less hours, prepare to retire but how can I? There are bills to be paid and they seem to be rising directly proportionately to my blood pressure. I’m closer to 50 than 40. My health is failing but I can’t slow down because each time my husband gets a job offer, he turns it down if the salary is less than what I earn. It has to be a better job than mine with a bigger official car and a high sounding title. So, I continue to do all the work and he watches football and calls up his friends on Fridays so they can hang out with the money I make. And he wants to make love to me? I have no urge or passion for what he wants. I need to get as much sleep as I can, rest a lot to keep my blood pressure down. My boys are in private universities and they have a father who’s waiting for a bank to beg him to come and be the Managing Director/CEO.’

Like Chief Zebrudaya once said, ‘are you see what I’m see?’ Men are so logical sometimes you want to give them a ‘teacher’s knock’ on the head. If a man wants to pound, his wife must bring out the mortar and ensure the pounded yam is smooth and nice. Once his pestle is ready, the mortar must be automatically ready and where the mortar is not accessible, there must be another pestle doing the job elsewhere. Very convenient for men. But the truth is, a woman wants to be a woman. Modern woman or not, every woman wants to feel like a kept woman once in a while. She wants to be pampered, cuddled and told what to do. She needs a man to look up to, a man she can run to, someone who has the solution to her confusion. Never mind that in the office she is the lady boss whose word is law. But when she has to be hard at work and breadwinner at home, she begins to lose her womanhood and feminity. And when that happens, she stops feeling like a mortar and thus has less and less need for her pestle.

Every woman, I insist, must stand in the gap for her man when things get tough. If his economy suffers a meltdown, she must provide the bailout. But he must not go to sleep. He must find a way to quickly bounce back. A man who lets his wife start wearing his trousers should not scream when she offers him wrapper to tie. Don’t let your wife become a man because unless you are gay, you cannot make love to a man.

What does this story teach us? Women want their men to be providers. All modern reversals and adjustments are abnormal. Women are just struggling to be what they are not. The way a man is not wired to be anything but the head is the same way a woman is not wired to be passionate in bed with a man she feeds. What about sugar mummies and their toy boys? Well, toy boys are toys, lollipop, a glass of fine wine; she bought it to enjoy it.


Re: A working mum is a super woman

When I saw the story of the Orekoya’s kids, I was surprised and shocked on how cruel human beings can go because of money.

I instantly condemned the action of Mr and Mrs Orekoya, who left their kids in the hands of a nanny they barely knew. But, from the look of things, that nanny whether been scrutinized or not, would have done what she did. It was her intention from the very beginning.

My mind also went to the site ‘OLX’ , I totally agree with the fact that they bring buyers and sellers together without interfering or meddling in their affairs – but in the case of employing and recruiting of individuals, the organizers have to think of meddling into such affairs and doing every appropriate security check.

On the issue of a working mum being a super woman, you are totally correct. Everyday, my mum wakes up very early to make sure everything and even her big baby(Daddy) is in place and ready for the day. She needs to commit her family into the hands of the Almighty and so by 6am, she is in the church for morning mass. From the church, she drives to work, looking tired and exhausted, takes a bottle of chilled coke to calm her nerves. At work, she tries to call everyone to see if they are okay, sometimes, she even calls in-laws and friends of her big baby ( Daddy), all in the name of her wifely duties.

She comes home looking so tired and exhausted, but she can’t rest, as she has to prepare dinner or monitor the preparation of dinner.

Her big baby comes home and sometimes even order for another meal that is out of season. She struggles to prepare the meal, serve and wait for her big baby to finish eating.

Oh, she can’t sleep without kneeling down at the altar, so she kneels before the family altar and place everyone under the care of the Almighty.

She enters the bed and suddenly remembers that she needs to sprinkle the holy water, she moves round all the house to do this. In the process, she turns those who are not sleeping well and pray with those who just had a bad dream.

She climbs the bed again and her big baby wants to suck from her bosom, she has no choice but to feed him generously. She wakes up again at 3am to pray the divine mercy prayer for her family, the nation and the world at large…..

So, if there’s any name greater than being a super woman, she deserves to be called such.

Our mothers are simply more than super women.

–Emiia Itoje

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A working mum is a super woman Sat, 18 Apr 2015 23:00:25 +0000 I saw the sad story of the kid­napped Orekoya kids at about 1.a.m on my whatsapp. Though all I wanted to do was get back to sleep, the story jolted me fully awake. What kind of maid takes three children of one mother and disappears? What was the mother doing now, crying, numb and staring [...]]]>

I saw the sad story of the kid­napped Orekoya kids at about 1.a.m on my whatsapp. Though all I wanted to do was get back to sleep, the story jolted me fully awake. What kind of maid takes three children of one mother and disappears? What was the mother doing now, crying, numb and staring without seeing? Will the family doc­tor drug her and put her to sleep? How do you START to console a mother whose three children got stolen like they are mere wine glasses?

The questions chased one another round my head. I was shocked, then angry, very angry. I rolled out of bed and prayed like those children were mine. I bound and loosed. I reminded God of the pains only a woman knows about, the fire in YOUR waist and thighs as you struggle to stay alive while giving life to YOUR child. I begged God to bring those kids back and glorify Himself. I decreed things I can’t reveal HERE into the life of the evil nanny. It wasn’t a long prayer but a passionate one. When I said the final ‘amen’, I felt this peace in my heart, that assurance that God heard every word and that those children would be found.

Aderomola (11 months), Adedamola (4 years ) and Demola (6 years) Orekoya have since returned to the comforting embrace of their parents.

But I have heard many judgmental state­ments about Adebisi Orekoya, the mother of the kidnapped boys and I am more than a bit worried.

‘She is a careless mother.’

‘How could she have left her children with a maid she got the previous day?’

How could anybody even begin to judge Bisi Orekoya or any working mum for that matter? Having a maid is a risk we all take and if you have no sad tale to tell about maids, you are the exception to the rule. YOURS sincerely can write a book on maids. That’s why I don’t understand how a working mum, any working mum is less than a woman or less of a mother because she leans on a maid to get through her hectic life?

Imagine this scenario. You went to work yesterday and left a pile of work on your desk to continue with in the morning plus four scheduled meetings. As you drove home tired, bleary eyed, you wondered how your four sons that you told to stay with your neighbours fared all day after the school bus dropped them off. Did they do their assign­ments? Did your neighbour remember that your 11-month old son is allergic to peanut butter? Oh, God, I hope these boys have not broken this woman’s vase, you worried. You were brought out of your reverie by the loud horn of a trailer. You muttered another fervent prayer for a maid so at least your children can be looked after in your own house after school.

And whoa, there was a maid at the door when you drove through the gates. She was all smiles. She took your bag, handed you a glass of cold water and asked what you’d like for dinner. Your 11-month-old was giggling non-stop because she was tickling him and throwing him in the air. The older ONES hov­ered around her because she was telling them one funny story about the tortoise and the snail. You heaved a huge sigh of relief and thanked God who still answers prayers. By the time you got up in the morning, she had cleaned the house and had hot water ready for you to bathe your boys. She had laid out their uniforms and set the table. It was a good morning indeed.

Now, tell me, would you, Madam Careful Working Mum, call your boss and say;

‘Sir, I just got a new maid yesterday, can I reschedule my meetings and take a week off so I can study my maid?’

Or better still, tell your husband;

‘Sweets, I know you have a board meeting today and an official trip tomorrow but I really need you to cancel all that and stay home to watch this new maid. We can’t just leave the boys with her just yet. Please declare a work-free week in your office so we can study Mary, the new maid.’

I will really like to hear from women who take time off their jobs or businesses to study the new maid.

As for those who said Bisi Orekoya was totally careless to have taken a maid from OLX, I hear you. You are the smart one. Now, answer the following questions:

What is the surname of YOUR maid? (I’m assuming that the name you call her is her real name, that is)

Where exactly is she from; village ad­dress that is?

The woman, or the man, who brought her, her agent, where does he orshe live and what does she really do for a living? Where did she find this girl she brought you?

Do you have a photograph of that maid who feeds YOUR children, cooks your meals?

Is her phone number REGISTERED in her name, what name?

Seriously? When you have not fallen, you smugly think you know the path better than the person who just tripped. 90% of us take maid from places and agents that are worse than OLX. We all take huge risks to make our lives easier each time a maid BECOMES a part of our families. Even those who have taken maids from agencies with proper addresses have ugly stories to tell.

The life of a career mum is a difficult one . Her road is rough. She is a bread winner, a house keeper, a home maker, a laundry hand, a driver, a daughter, daughter-in-law, a mother to her children and her mother-in-law’s son (her husband, that is), a wife and a lover. The society expects her to be well above average in all assignments. Her boss expects her to be excellent.

Without a maid, her day starts with getting Junior out of dreamland into the shower and bathing the baby girl. In be­tween making cereal for him and persuad­ing baby girl not to roll off the bed, she dashes into the shower herself. Junior can’t find his school bag. Her husband can’t find the tie he wants and then he screams for his new pack of handkerchiefs. She also gets blamed for the missing cufflinks. She has to pack lunch for all her children includ­ing ‘daddy’ who sometimes expects a full breakfast . She cleans the house, locks up and eases into the NEXT phase of her day where she’s the official family driver.

In-between swearing at recalcitrant ‘Keke Napep’ and danfo drivers, she appeals to Junior not to eat his lunch just yet or feed his six-month-old sister as she makes her way through early morning traffic for the school run. By the time she gets to work at 7.45am, she is tired and it feels like she has been up all night. Cups of coffee and adrenaline get her through the day. Sheer determination and native sense keeps her career going.

On her way home she stops over in the market to do her shopping-on-the-go so she can make something fresh for dinner. She picks her toddler at the day care centre and Junior from the neighbour’s apartment, apologises for being late again. She contin­ues her cleaning from where she stopped in the morning. There’s home work to be done, baby’s laundry and cooking. She is so tired she could cry. Rocking the baby to sleep, she dozes off. She is woken up by the smell of her cooker cremating her vegetable soup. She actually starts crying now… Husband doesn’t find that funny. He grumbles that he has to eat rice again for dinner. She sets about scrubbing the pot, then decides out of frustration to bring out a new set from the store. She carries Junior into his room, irons his uniform for the NEXT day.

The bedroom is in a mess. She does the best she can and crashes into bed. Soon hubby crawls in under the duvet, his hands all over the place. Oh God, why tonight? Why not tonight? A wife’s got to do what a wife’s got to do. That a woman has pounded yam does not mean she won’t be pounded. Many days, she is both the pounder and the pounded. And if she refuses to be pounded by the pounder, he threatens to take his pestle somewhere else. It’s a no-win situation.

A working mum is always at work, everywhere. As for those who think women just like to work so they can be richer than their husbands and be bossy, ask yourself why the wives of the rich are not working their fingers to the bone. If your man is picking the bills, you will be able to ‘mother’ him and his children. A woman is wired to be a soft mum and help mate but where she needs to be bread winner, she slips easily into the role. Why does she then get blamed for doing everything when all she really wants to be is a total woman?


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Mr President-elect… Sun, 12 Apr 2015 00:07:48 +0000 YOUR victory at the polls was a sign that God is faithful to every word He has spoken, that if we join our faith together and call on him, He will answer. That when all hopes feel lost, God’s promises never get lost. That March 28 came and went without Nigeria break­ing up and that [...]]]>

YOUR victory at the polls was a sign that God is faithful to every word He has spoken, that if we join our faith together and call on him, He will answer. That when all hopes feel lost, God’s promises never get lost. That March 28 came and went without Nigeria break­ing up and that the Niger Delta militants are talking peace, not bombing is a proof that our God is the Alpha and Omega, the one who knew about March 28 long before we were all made. He did not allow those who held President Jona­than captive to triumph in their evil enterprise.

That you, Mohammadu Buhari, won the presidential election at the fourth try is proof that God is never late. His ways are not our ways, His time table is totally His. No matter how long he takes in showing up, He is never late. In the Bible, Joseph dreamt at age 17 that his brothers would bow before him but that dream took 13 years to come to pass. According to Gen 41: 46, ‘Joseph was 30 years old when he entered the service of Pharaoh the king of Egypt.’ In those 13 years of waiting, Joseph was betrayed. Like you. He cried. Like you. He was forgotten. At some point, it was like that dream would not come true. But it did. Dreams do come true, as it has for you.

Again, YOUR victory has proved that being a praying nation is not a disadvan­tage, after all. Those who look down on our fixation on prayers and running off to church and ‘handing it over to God’, should try and explain what happened on March 28, 2015. They should bring out their academic researches and explain why Jega did not flip when Elder Orubebe lost his cool, why the security agents at the International Conference Centre did not bundle out the screaming elder out of the venue and why President Jonathan did not listen to the men and women who had led him astray for so long. The ‘experts’ should explain why our own Arab Spring has not STARTED.

God is HERE, and He loves us like He loved the Israelites.

When you were pronounced the President-elect, I had goose bumps and envied you. But not for long because you have inherited a responsibility that no other Commander-in-Chief before you had. I’ll explain.

When those who felt that the late President Yar’Adua could rule Nigeria from anywhere including a hospital bed in Saudi Arabia, Nigerians felt insulted. When they smuggled him into the country at night and spread word that he was playing Ludo, Nigerians felt they had had enough. They joined their hands together and formed a long and strong defence chain around Goodluck Jonathan until he moved from Vice President to Acting President and then President. We are a passionate people who’ll do whatever it takes to protect our own, and our land.

Mr President-elect, did you see that pas­sion again in action on March 28 and the days leading up to it? Our passion is like the ancestral mask, it comes out only once in a while, only when it is necessary. That is the one thing foreign experts miss when analys­ing us and our staying power. The passion with which Nigerians defended President Jonathan was the same one deployed to reject him. That is a sad fact that you must never lose sight of. Never ever forget it. Don’t ever tread the path that will make us remind you.

YOUR Excellency, Nigerians have invested in you, their faith, their passion, their prayers, their hopes. Everything. They will naturally want return on their INVEST­MENTS. So, please hit the ground sprint­ing. The size of this investment is too huge. Nigerians are anxious for their dividends.

Quick wins, quick fixes, what we can see now now. Ask Governors Wamakko, Fasho­la and Amaechi. They are in your party. Run an inclusive government. Nigerians spoke with one voice because they all want the same thing. So, spread your net beyond APC if you need to. Use everybody. Don’t allow yourself to be used. Work with those who want to leave legacies not those who see your victory as ATM machine. Learn from the mistakes of your predecessors in office.

Avoid the leeches, the tapeworms. Those who will sneak into YOUR government to feed on you and still hurt you in the process. They cannot love you more than you love yourself. Remember, the buck stops on YOUR table. If YOUR administration fails, the person who fails will be you. And then as 2019 approaches you will hear such statements as:

‘Buhari is a letdown.’

‘ GMB is the worst president ever.’

‘And we thought he had a vision.’

‘He is not the change we are looking for after all,’

When I asked my daughter to, in a sentence, say how she’d feel if 24 months from now, nothing has changed, her answer is food for thought,

‘We’ve been scammed.’

So, Nigerians think you embody an elaborate plan to change their lives. They will feel scammed if after all this , noth­ing happens. They will think the change mantra was just a song produced to scam them.

The scramble for political appoint­ments and positions are already on. Do not let anybody impose people who have no record of performance on you. Do not let your government be hijacked. Do not ever forget that there is only ONE place for kings who fail their people: a lonely place where they will be alone with their grief and regrets. It is a cold dark place where ministers and party chieftains do not go with failed kings. Even wives do not go there with his highness.

Every time you take a decision, make a policy, make an appointment, ask yourself, Am I doing this to satisfy some people or it will help me leave a legacy. And never think you are bigger than the people who dared to vote for change, the people God used to make your dream come true after three failed attempts. Their passion, their God will always be available…

Oronto Douglas: Cancer, death, you did not WIN

He fought long and hard. 2008 to 2015 is a long time to wrestle cancer but Oronto Douglas brought out everything in his arsenal. He knew it would be a tough long drawn out one , a battle many had lost before him but that did not stop him from fighting. Even at a time many would not want to be seen in public, OND still attended public functions, still his cheerful self. When I saw him at the birthday dinner held by Prince Nduka Obaigbena in honour of Gover­nor Emmanuel Uduaghan in Novem­ber last year, I panicked. He had lost so much weight. My legs were shaking so badly I had to lean against the wall. But OND was throwing banters, shak­ing hands . I plastered a smile on my face too and when he held my hands and said. ‘my sister, I have not forgot­ten our project, we will continue from where we stopped. I promise’, it took more than a little inner strength not to START crying. His confidence that he would here for a long time when he had lost so much weight broke me. I was sober the rest of the evening.

We still spoke in March. His voice was strong as ever. ‘I will call you as soon as I get back.’ But the music finally stopped at 4.58am on April 9, 2015, along with the excruciating pains, the discomforts of chemotherapy. OND is gone, gone forever, never to be seen again in these parts. At least, not physically. But in our hearts, he will live. Forever. A good man, a brother, who never forgot his friends. He would call to find out how the chil­dren were doing, how I was coping.

Cancer , you may chalk up another one on your evil board. Death, you may have won another flesh but you didn’t and will never be able to take Oronto’s memo­ries. His body will be committed to the earth but in our hearts, he lives. Yes, and finally, I can cry…

Good night, Oga mi, good night.

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A day to dance Sat, 04 Apr 2015 23:38:13 +0000 It’s a new day, a day that broke in the least expected way, bringing with it sunshine when all we could imagine was dark clouds and a down­pour of fire and blood. We are standing on solid ground, indeed dancing, when all we expected was mud and miry clay. There is a song on our [...]]]>

It’s a new day, a day that broke in the least expected way, bringing with it sunshine when all we could imagine was dark clouds and a down­pour of fire and blood. We are standing on solid ground, indeed dancing, when all we expected was mud and miry clay. There is a song on our lips, a melody in our hearts dousing our fears, replacing our anxiety. Who would have thought this election would come and go and we would not be counting bodies, hiding in our houses with tires burning on the streets? Who would have thought that this election would not be followed by black smoke in the skies and the blades of sharpened cutlasses flashing in the sun?

For those of us who saw the mayhem that followed the 1983 elections in the south west, our fears were born of the carnage we witnessed. I can still re­member political thugs surrounding me as I tried to ferry all the certificates in our house to safety. My father thought that if we were able to safeguard all our credentials, we would be able to start afresh since our house had been ear­marked for destruction. I was speech­less , shaking, so afraid I could not cry, a teenager surrounded by machetes, charms and rough looking men. I re­member our dog, Jack, and her puppies she had the day before. The little things were still blind. I remember my father’s car refusing to start on a day we were supposed to be on the run. By 4.00pm that day, we had become refugees in my father’s friend’s apartment, a family of eight in one room. The pain of relocat­ing from one town, changing schools, moving my mother’s business…

And that was just a governorship election. Try and imagine children be­ing beheaded in 36 states, houses being burnt on every street, universities shut­ting down, doctors on the run, markets closed. Oh yes, we had to make do in 1983 with vegetables that grew beside fences and near gutters, water leaf, bitter leaf and one that my mum called only-the-rich-eat-fish (olowo-n-jeja).

But here we are, celebrating Easter, our houses intact. Because our God showed up again like He did when Eb­ola dropped by. He held us by the hand and walked us through the landmines of the one election that could have ruined us, probably forever. He said if a people that are called by His name return to Him, He will heal their land. That’s what our God did. The wisdom of Ahitopel He turned to foolishness, the enterprise of the wicked came to nothing. The counsel of those who said it was either their way or the highway did not hold. God won, totally.

Nigerians are a passionate people. We are not what foreign experts think they know. Nigerians are different from what researchers and academicians thought they knew. Nobody is bigger than our unity. We do what we want to do in a pay-as-you-go way. Many nations didn’t survive civil wars, we did. We even found a way to end it in record time for a war! Other nations would have broken after June 12, 1993 election, but we didn’t. The Yar’adua illness could have torn us apart but we fished out something called doc­trine of necessity. We protected President Jonathan’s interest with all we’ve got. We closed ranks, forgot ethnic and religious biases.

On March 28, all the religious, ethnic, political lines blurred. Before that day, I’d told a few close friends that it looked like the passion with which Nigerians de­fended Jonathan was the same one being deployed to reject him. It was amazing what I heard from the most unexpected quarters. Somebody even told me, after the publication that Buhari is ill, that as long as GMB makes it to May 29, 2015, he didn’t care. Like it was on June 12, so it was on March 28. Nigerians all slept using the same pillow. Hate campaigns, damaging documentaries, naira rain all didn’t matter.

Unlike in the past when the rich left the poor to vote, this time, the big boys and girls took time off watching their money grow and went to vote. And they did it in style, with the same determination with which they make their millions. In Ma­godo, Lagos, they set up barbecue stands, suya spots, brought their own generators to power their polling units. Others turned on the headlights of their SUVs to il­luminate the voting and counting process. In Victoria Garden City VGC), a real community of the wealthy, also in Lagos, the residents patiently accredited, voted, stayed with the INEC officials late into the night, past their bed time.

Nigerians were determined to ignore the illiterate card readers that refused to read on exam day. Nobody raged. Nobody broke anybody’s nose. We all patiently Jegaed the day. At my friend’s polling unit in Oregun, the election was cancelled and they all went home, ready to return on Sunday. Then they were called to return to do it manually. They called one another on phone, sent texts, whatsapp messages and knocked on doors and returned to accredit, vote and count. They didn’t get angry. They didn’t lose their tempers

Then that man called Jega, does he play poker? Was he born with that unreadable face, a temperament that is incapable of flaring? When that man, yes that former minister who we will now remember only as ‘the PDP official who almost annulled March 28 election’ decided to throw a 10-year-old- boy’s tantrum, Mr Jega watched him like he was watching an in­teresting cartoon. Even when I was on my feet, screaming at my television, Jega was calm, watched that elder (how do people even become ‘Elders’ sef?) the same way I watch Tinsel on Africanmagic. I guess he suspected somebody was pulling the strings of Elder somewhere. In those days , when we played football behind the house, if my cousin’s team noticed they were losing, he would uproot our made-with-sticks goalpost and a fight would start. But Elder figured wrong, Jega was incapable of anger (I know another man like that and I always pray never to annoy him), at least not on that day, even after days of tension. I’ll recommend ‘Woju’ by Kiss Daniel for Elder; you must ‘woju o’ because you cannot ‘buga’ Nigerians when they are determined to ignore you.

But who brought Jega? Who gave Jega free hand to work? Who truly propagated this one-man-one-vote gospel and made it work? President Goodluck Jonathan. He may be guilty of many sins, but if we remember where we are coming from, we will appreciate where we are. And where will we be this minute if he did not concede defeat, if he had stopped the an­nouncement of the results? Someone once did and the day also broke the following day. He could have been Gaddafi. He could have made a nationwide broadcast that would have started a riot. He chose the path of honour ignoring those who held him hostage. Yes, Jonathan is the football coach who fought all his star players and allowed them join the rival club. He has to carry the can for that choice but that is a long matter for another day.

Today is a day of dance because Nigeria did not die because we had one election.

Ambode is on his way

He’s confident that he will win on April 11. He knew the ride will be bumpy so he was prepared for the long days and the short nights. This is not is first bumpy ride either but I think the gods have always smiled on him. If your father died at the age of 18 and you still became a chartered accountant at 24, that is not a common success story of the son of a house wife. But here he is, Mr Akin­wumi Ambode, ready to take on Lagos. By the time I left his office, I knew he had his socks on, ready to wear the shoes of the next governor of this state. And like one who’s the favourite of the gods once again, he may be mounting the saddle at a time Lagos is exiting the club of opposition states. If the polls favour him, Mr Ambode will be the governor in the driver’s seat when the state of excellence comes in from the cold. Not that I fully understand what that means but I know if Gover­nor Fashola could do the plenty he has done as a governor in opposition party, Ambo will have a easier ride. All is ducks seem to all lined in a neat row: a focussed party enjoying prime time on the stage of public opinion, party men who put the party first and citizens who know where they are going. As extra toppings, the Lagos APC candi­date told me in clear terms: losing this election has never crossed my mind.

Well, what else is there to say?

Leading like Kalu

A leader is someone who leads, someone you can look up to, someone who does what you want to emulate. You don’t become a leader just be­cause you think you have been around for a long time. Leadership has not much to do with age. It is about what you do and how the people you lead see you.

In my 26 years as a journalist, I have worked in half a dozen newspapers. I have worked with different publish­ers and most certainly Orji Uzor Kalu is different. Did I say that because I work here? No. I’d say the same 10 years from now. There are bosses who are allergic to prospering subordinates. There are those who expect you to take permission before you go to the loo. A friend once told me that women in her office only got pregnant after they left the employment of her boss.

Here at The Sun, Kalu simply let us be. Imagine the kind of things we write, the stories we lead the paper with. He could have told us what to write, which party to support, after all he’s a founding member of the PDP. He could have fired Femi Adesina for supporting Buhari. But no, as the Chairman of The Sun Publishing and indeed The Slok Group, he’s an advo­cate of good governance and he walks his talk. If a man is a progressive, he does not need to wear certain colours or cap for you to know. Even the Bible says by their seeds ye shall know them.

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ON A DAY LIKE THIS Sun, 29 Mar 2015 02:13:45 +0000 On a day like this, I’m sure you expect me to write on the early results of yesterday’s election. Is Buhari clearing the wards or is he actually overrated like President Jonathan said? Maybe I should be telling you how to protect yourself in case those who loot vulcaniz­ers’ shops start burning disused tires at [...]]]>

On a day like this, I’m sure you expect me to write on the early results of yesterday’s election. Is Buhari clearing the wards or is he actually overrated like President Jonathan said? Maybe I should be telling you how to protect yourself in case those who loot vulcaniz­ers’ shops start burning disused tires at road junctions. Not me, not today. I know you are sufficiently anxious and worried about where this ship will berth. I know you are worried about your siblings and children that are not with you. I am too. So, why should I frighten you any further. I am as frightened and as worried as you are. Worse for you if you have children in those universities where the authorities have refused to let their students go home. I spent the night won­dering whether I signed any form that says my child can become a school’s child when I want my child where I can see him in a season like this.

See? We are all sufficiently troubled about what the winner will do to the loser, what the loser will do to the winner and what both of them will do to us. But since we can’t do more than report both of them to God like King Hezekiah reported Sennacherib, we might as well calm down and focus on what have power over. Like erectile dysfunction, sex at 60 and 70 and cheating wives. But wait before we move on, what was all that peace accord sign­ing ceremony all about, all over again? Didn’t President Jonathan and General Buhari sign one not too long ago? What were people clapping and clicking away on their cameras for? Even the ‘signees’ didn’t believe what they signed or why wasn’t the first set of signatures sufficient>

With the dozens of shrines across the country waiting for a time like this, why did we allow GEJ and GMB sign anything in another air-conditioned room. I prefer seeing them tying red wrappers and sipping from calabashes and repeating their vows or covenants while a fierce-looking priestess and the gods supervise the process. Ehn ehn. I don’t believe a drop of ink, even if it is designer ink, and a quick scrawl on paper can frighten politicians. But for those of you who have forgotten where we are coming from and how our forebears kept the kings of old in check, I know there are portions in the Bible and Quran we should use both in swearing for and swearing-in our politicians. If they frighten us, we should frighten them back. Gbam.

Okay, I have been reliably informed that because some men from 55 can no longer raise their staffs of office, their wives have started sneaking away to dark places to eat the forbidden fruits to their hearts content. Bad news. When I came back from a short trip to the U.S. towards the end of last year, I told a friend I saw the wife of a particular highly placed man on the flight and she chuckled.

‘Again? That is how she sneaks abroad regularly with her toy boy.’

My friend announced with so much evil glee I choked on my bottle of drink. We are ‘amebo partners’ but I didn’t expect her to keep that kind of juicy gist to herself for that long. Haba, what are friends for!

‘Out with it now before I…’

And so she downloaded everything. This fine aunty whose fashion sense is as elegant as her waist line even at 54 is ‘cutting shows’ off shore. My friend says many celebrity women and wives of public figures now do offshore things in the name of going for medical check-up, shopping and resting to get their much needed servicing, away from prying eyes and to avoid embarrassing their spouses.

I don’t think it is fair to leave a man to his devices after you have sucked him dry. If a man gave a good account of himself when he was operating at full-installed capacity, it is only fair that the women help him when he can no longer get it up. Many women know how tough it is to cope with a newly married man’s libido. We know how we prayed for the new husband to come home too tired so we can have uninterrupted night. But men are rarely too tired to perform their conjugal duties, in those early days. They are always ready. And they are worse in the mornings. At wives’ roundtables, women discuss such stuff. You know? Oh yes. But as the years pass, a man’s libido wanes and gradually recedes into retirement. For some men, by the time they are 50, things start going south. For the real bulls, they are still up and doing at 60, still able to put their women into long long sleeps.

What do you do then if your libido is on the upward swing and your man is descend­ing the slope? Oh no, you can’t jump ship now that the going is no longer good. You enjoyed the good times, you can’t abandon him now. According to a famed marriage counsellor, Pastor Mrs Okafor, a woman’s fingers are her tools. So, get down to work and coax the soft staff back into action.

Even when a man’s third leg is refus­ing to walk, his buttons are still alive. You just need to spend extra time on tuning him up. Start early in the day by teasing his senses, let him touch but no so much and not for too long. Let him take a peek but not a full view. And where you need visual help, have a private viewing.

Location sex is also recommended for couples in their 60s. A change of environ­ment can help things along. Get out of town for a weekend, check into a hotel and spoil each other. Outside the home, there is no distraction and no hurry . You will not have to worry about visitors or children or even grandchildren. You can luxuriate in each other’s arms, savour each other’s warmth. Try new things. Go down memory lane. You are still alive, so live.

Now, many men expend their bullets outside the home when they are young and hard. They invest their vigour in passing fancies, curvaceous girls who eventually will chalk up the experience as achievements for their future husbands. When such men lose capacity, their wives may not be very sympathetic. So, guys, invest in profitable ventures. Buy shares in your wives’ bosoms so that when you are due for right issues, they will not take your things to toy boys. Let her feel you now otherwise you might end up on your own when your third leg can no longer carry you.


In as much as I agree substantially with your arguments, you blatantly licensed the women to continue their misdemeanours and pranks against the men. You women continue to ‘confuse’ and not convince the men that women are the weaker sex. It’s a only a foolish man that believes a woman is weak.

The woman is the most beautiful, greatest and strongest creature. It’s a fact that more male children die before the age of five compared to the females. How many women die before their husbands in real life? The menstrual cycles God designed in the creation of women purify them and consequently make them strongly immune to diseases and infec­tions that kill men easily. God bless my mother.

And naughty Funke, why did you hide the identity of the G.O of the Sinners chapel? I suspect it is Steve Nwosu. Am I right?


This write up on this special edition of this year’s mothers’ day is a master piece. I find it very soothing for all the pains we go through as women in every area of our relationships with men . I never thought it this way! So glad to know that we women are well represented in you . I am such a great fan of The Sun newspa­pers and I don’t miss buying it every day.

–Henrietta Iwerunmor

Funke, Be frank, do you sincerely believe all you said in favour of being a woman? If you had the choice, would you rather not be a man? About 8 women in 10 would so wish.

–Ugo Ogidi, emraldwa@yahoo.

This article made me happy and proud, I had to show my fiance and he appreci­ated the fact that men cannot do without women. I am a regular reader of your column and I always love every piece of it. You are my role model.

–Maryam Alake Abdulrahman, Il­orin, Kwara state.

Thanks so much for this piece. The message was sent and delivered to the point. Kindly do an article for men who have stopped sleeping with their wives but make it a point to satisfy girlfriends and married women friends. That is what some of us married women are suffering today and as I speak. Will be waiting for it. Yours truly doesn’t miss your articles so he will read it and think about it. Ex­pecting more of your heart touching and life-changing articles.


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