A wife’s territorial integrity

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Why would a woman leave her matrimonial home just because her husband is taking a second wife? Is that a stupid question, an unfeeling, insensitive one? Because from where I’m standing, I think it is dumb and defeatist for a wife who has laboured in her husband’s vineyard for years to abandon the fruits of her labour just because ‘Chairman’ has decided to bring his sweet 16 home. And I hear women do it these days. Very annoying too.

This is one of the repercussions of going into marriage without shock absorbers. If a woman is not prepared for the thorns that come with the bed of roses, every storm will throw her. Now, I am the first to admit that the sight and or sound of a second wife is perhaps one of the biggest storm difficult to weather in marriage. It is like your husband telling you that you are no longer enough woman or good enough for him. A new wife feels like your replacement, like your nemesis. You begin to wonder what you didn’t do and where you went wrong. If you had not met her, you send friends, siblings to check her out. Is she more beautiful?

Is she richer? Is your husband tired of a school teacher wife and prefers this new corporate executive? All the answers most likely will leave you feeling less than a woman. And all of them are lies of the devil. You are still a great woman, a wonderful wife. Your husband is the one who has changed. He’s the one who is not as great or wonderful as he used to be to you. He needs revalidation that he is still attractive and a long-distance runner in bed. He has issues with his libido, self esteem and inborn greed for variety. Tell yourself it is not you because most of the time a man needs no excuse to stray or take second wife.

He just wants what he wants. An incoming second wife is not just a headache but a blinding migraine. The first wife has every right to hurt and she should not bottle it up either. Cry in your closet. Never in the open. Don’t curse your husband because he will always be your husband. What is the use of a cursed husband anyway? You need to consider all the bills he still has to pay and his conjugal duties. Hmmm, don’t revoke his license to your bed. You can suspend the license. You can amend his rights but what the heck, you don’t want to try another third leg at this age, do you? When your anger and aggro are over and dealt with, it is better to return to familiar terrain with twists and turns you know how to navigate.

I am not glossing over the threat that a second wife poses and the pain of sharing your husband. It could put the most virtuous woman in a murderous mode but you have to start dealing with it. You could start by asking yourself if you gave that marriage your best shot. Did you do all within your power to keep a second wife out? If your conscience absolves you of every blame, then you must forgive yourself and ask the next question; can you still prevent the arrival of this second wife? If you can, then go ahead and do whatever you can. If it is a fait accompli, cut your losses and accept it. If it is a baby that has already been born, it is a pregnancy that you cannot abort. It means the wicked have done their worst; the wicked in this case being your husband.

So, should you now pack your bags and kids and leave your home for a new comer? If you do, how else would you describe admitting defeat? Jumping out of your own car because a rat or a cockroach has strayed on to your back seat is cowardice. No woman worth her salt should abandon the home she built for another. Unless and until a marriage becomes life-threatening, I do not support any kind of separation. It is only when your marriage starts feeling like a maximum prison and you feel like you are on death row, that is when I think a break is in order. That is when you need to effect your own prerogative of mercy. Note here that this is my very personal opinion. But if a man wants two wives, you should let him feel the full weight of his decision and choice. If a woman wants to become a second wife, why should you let her become the only wife? Imagine leaving your husband of 20 years for a 30-year-old woman; sometimes the man may even decide to marry a 26-year-old after 30 years of marriage.

Why should you let him get away with a fresh start by moving out? The husband of two wives must pay the price for his prize. If he wants the warmth of two women in his bed, he must be ready to face the intricacies of a sleeping roaster. He must counsel all the children. He now has two sets of in-laws and that comes with its own challenges and expenses. If the new wife wants three children, you as the first wife should encourage her. If a man wants to buy JAMB and WAEC forms at 70, we should let him. If he wants to be young again, you must let him. But a woman who abandons her matrimonial home for a second wife is a coward like no other. It’s not like the newcomer is gonna stay in your bedroom or on your head.

Let the man figure out the new arrangements. Let him love you equally. Let him decide if he wants a branch office or he wants both of you at his headquarters. Let him shuttle between two homes. He needs the exercise Don’t fight anybody. The pain may be indescribable but like I wrote a few weeks ago, it won’t hurt so badly after a while. You can move over for the latest addition if you wish. You could also let her fight for the space she so desperately craves. You can refuse to cook. You can take a long holiday. Anything but moving out, even screaming is allowed. But every wife must defend her territorial integrity. Don’t let his second wife become the only wife.

Re: This oil will dry up

I read your piece on Dangote’s warnings. You made my Monday. Your craftsmanship in writing this piece soothes my nerves after a very busy Monday.

On Dangote’s warning, the richest man in India and second in Asia, Mukesh Ambani, predicted recently on CNN that the United States will be independent of foreign imports of energy in five to seven years. I want to believe that Dangote knows Ambani – two wealthy men warning us of our dependence on oil.

To be forewarned is to be forearmed!

I have read this story in other dallies, but they are not as captivating as yours. –[email protected]

I just become a fan of your articles. You are really creative. More wisdom. God bless you. –Rotimi Akintunde, [email protected]

It is glaring that our leaders have an uncanny inability to think beyond the present. That is why we are in this bind. That is why we remain a mono-economy. That is why it is beyond their ken to believe this oil will dry up.   My prayer is that this oil will either suddenly cease to flow or lose value. It is only then that they will come back to their senses. –[email protected]

Reading last Sunday’s piece has given us all, Nigerians, another prophetic message. Unfortunately, the blooming generation of our children are the ones to suffer; after the last squeeze of the oil.

This profligacy and madness will soon end before our very eyes; but I hope the culprits will not “beg for amnesty” then, or someone someday is granted another prodigious state pardon. –[email protected]

If we want to grow as a nation, we must become manufacturers like China. The wealth of a nation depends on manufacturing and agriculture. –Ikeazor Anieto, 08063871875

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15 Comments

  1. matthew anumati on

    A WIFES’S TERRITORIAL INTERGRITY IS A MASTER PIECE FOR EVERY MAN TO READ NOT ONLY FOR WOMEN.WIFES SHOW IT TO HUSBANDS.COUPLES MAKE OUT A WORKSHOP ON THIS .MIKEALPHA4U @YAHOO. COM

  2. Egbemonde you’re real mother according to your theories advised, to be honest and sincere to yourself, put yourself in the same position can you tolerate second wife, well i appreciate your concern polygamy home.

    • It has nothing to do with tolerance. In African setting, the man doesn’t have to seek the consent of the first wife to marry second one. The issue is that if you don’t tolerate it, you leave which is what your husband wants in the first instance. And when you are out, you will really feel the impact. Even though some women pretend but deep inside, they ever regret leaving in the first place. Therefore, the only thing reasonable to do is to stay back in the marriage.

  3. Great piece of writing. Great piece I must say. Funke, well done. @ dannewlife, Funke’s new looks recently, is evedent fron this piece,- to arrest her husband’s idea of going for a second wife. Why not? Normal!

  4. Funke, at times I wonder why u are a woman. U dont reason like most of them. As far as I’m concerned, most problems in various homes are there bc of d women’s immaturity. More grease to ur elbows. Tnx.

  5. Good piece. Something occurred to me while reading this. If the first wife packs out because of the second, automatically the second becomes the first and the only wife. It is only staying back that will make the second wife feel that she is second in command, make her feel the impact of sharing one man with another woman, make the man feel the consequence of having to wives. Who knows, when the second wives comes in, she may not be that gold that was glittering and the man will fall for the first one even in bedroom activities. This will not be possible if the first had packed out.
    As for Funke, I noticed that each time the hairdo changes, the look changes.

  6. I don’t ve to pack 4 her rather i will make her know her limitations and shower my hussy with love and indirectly turn her to the househelp but be careful with my children’s welfare. She is only a voiceless member!!

  7. actually i don’t share your ideas on a man with one wife. you have made good points on d facts that a man should remain with a woman. but i as a muslim disagree with not from d context of the Qur”an but from your bible bcos u have not quoted any verse from your holy book supporting your view. i as a muslim believe religion should be a way of life meaning it should not end at place of worship. infact the bible encourages marryin plenty wives e.g abraham(3 wives), jacob(2 wives e.t.c. from world statistics the population of women is more than that of men and is on the increase every day, if you were to say one man and one woman what do u think will happen to other women( i.e sisters, aunties, mothers) to become “public properties”( God forbid) am sorry but that is the most friendly word i can use. this theory of one man one woman was only propounded by the church not in the christain bible.

    • Sadiq,
      Greed is not only about money.Any man that is not satisfied with one woman is simply greedy. And greed has consequences. Even the quran you cited doesn’t support polygamy in the real sense of it since it is impossible to love two women equally as required by Quran. Have just your share of just one woman. Leave the excess for God to take care of.

      • I disagree. Naturally, a man is not satisfied by one woman and that is why men patronize single girls. Even animals, that is why you always see one male animal in company of many female. He does this and turns to the other. even though we are not animals but that is nature for you. When there is demand there is bound to be supply. Because men are not satisfied by a single wife, there is the tendency to find an assistant wife (girl friend) or patronize whores. This is the reason why prostitution is on the increase. I strongly believe that if the church makes it one man two wives, prostitution will reduce to the nearest minimum. Mind you, this is my personal opinion and not the teaching of Jesus CHRIST.

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