– The Sun News
FAKE CERTIFICATE

My neighbour’s dog has fake certificate

For me, Terror, with its fake certificate, and his boss deserve to be transmitted, sorry sir, weeded out of our street. But, they also deserve considerations.

Usoro I. Usoro

My neighbour’s dog is fond of barking anyhow, whenever I go by. It does even worse to others. The other day, it made so much noise and pranced about like Oshiomhole’s boasts. It ran out of the owner’s compound and blocked the road – daring me to come close. I did. Cautiously! “My friend, get into your compound. Do you think this street belongs to you?” It stood. “Get out of my way, Satan!” Startled, it eyed me as if in wonder, shook its head and scampered away – with a low growl.

Apparently, the owner was watching the drama from his sitting room window. As the dog ran, tail between legs, Mr Bossman came out. “Good evening, Sir! I hope Terror did not attack you?” I told him that dog was too small to attack the King of the Street (Obong Efagh) like me. That probably set him off. He then started reeling out the number of persons the dog had attacked in the past. How in 1832, Terror got a medal for “cracking brain” on how to arrest killer-herdsmen in Benue. The name, Terror, I was told, was given to the canine by the Queen of England in recognition of its “meritorious role” in curbing corruption in APC! “I keep telling people to be careful with Terror because he has license to attack”, Mr Bossman boasted.

READ ALSO: Plateau massacre: How killer-herdsmen wiped out family of 22-yr-old man

That dog has a reputation for terrorizing people in our street. The owner often brags that it’s a “certified attack dog”! He claims that the dog was a marksman during World War II; was trained in a London polytechnic, hence it barks in Queen’s English. And that it can successfully “prosecute” a case against humans in court and obla, bla! Oh, lest we forget, it was even the first dog to be given exemption certificate by NYSC! Mr Bossman makes it sound like he’s talking about some politicians in APC – the party fast acquiring a reputation for certificate scandals!

A few days earlier, I had found out that the dog does not have even an electricity bill. Like PDP’s Senator Adeleke of Osun, Terror was once accused by a neighbour of not possessing(?) a First School Leaving Certificate. A can of worms opened shortly after as the owner’s copious claims were put to the test one after another. Another nosy neighbour challenged Mr Bossman, another time, on claim of Terror’s possession of an NYSC certificate. “I hope it’s not Kemi Adeosun’s type”, quipped the guy. “Anyway, how can it have NYSC certificate when you can’t produce its secondary school certificate? Abegi, stop acting and sounding “o-bla, bla” like Buhari and his Special Adviser on Prosecution – what is that his name again , jo?!”

I told Mr Bossman that none of those touted documents or experience existed. Okay, not exactly. Maybe they exist – in Bossman’s rich imagination. In reality, Terror doesn’t have even a NAFDAC number! When I sought clarification from WAEC, the verdict sounded like what the deputy registrar, Femi Ola, told the House of Representatives panel investigating Obono Obla’s alleged certificate forgery: “fake, not genuine!” Obviously, with an “altered and invalid” claim, Bossman has been parading a fake attack dog on our street. Right there, another neighbour asked me to give him and his dog sack notice, the way Oshiomhole threatened Ngige. “He must know that a new tough-talking Sheriff is in the street!”, the adviser said.

Well, I was equally miffed when I recently discovered a plot Bossman engineered against me. But a man of power doesn’t crush an ant with all his weight. I learnt he had been unleashing his dog on people all because he wanted them to think I was incompetent as Obong Efagh. People of God, Bossman was planning to impeach me from the street! But, my people have assured me it shall never happen. Bossman boasted that with or without me, the street can function. Very insensitive! Sounds like a dictator’s foul-mouth, doesn’t it? More like Oshiomhole bulldozing Kwara APC exco; and eating scorn, sorry, corn, as eight lawmakers attempt to impeach Gov Ortom’s fez cap. Illegality drowning a hitherto disputed integrity!

Someone told me to ignore Bossman. I learnt why he’s called Bossman is because he threatens, dictates, frightens. He claims he’s a former military man. The he who must be obeyed! Some say he’s a former labour sole administrator. He’s been a dictator all his life. He’s used to talking tough, so even in a democratic setting, where the views and feelings and sentiments of the people count, Bossman is unaware! He’s been a pretender-in-chief, on behalf of his pocket. I’ve been advised to allow him defect to another street like Ortom of Benue; Ahmed of Kwara; Saraki and Ibeto, the Nigerian envoy in South Africa – if he so desires. And, like Buhari, I should not be bothered! Like Oshiomhole, I should not lose sleep. Though the guy “hold pepper o”.

READ ALSO: We’ll humiliate Saraki, Ortom, Tambuwal in 2019 – Oshiomhole

But should I really ignore him? No, can I? I may not like his body odor; his attitude or his dog’s mess but I need people around me. A king does not rule himself. He needs others, in a typical African Ubuntu spirit. To segregate; to instigate daring but surreptitious war against your kind is not African. Take Saraki’s case, for instance. What moral gain does Buhari intend to reap from Saraki’s torment? If I treat Terror the way Buhari treats the Senate President, won’t that make it more popular? Victimization does not bring good governance. It does not grow democracy. It’s anti-people!

If I heed the advice to kick out Terror and co, my street will soon turn to APC enclaves, where impeachments ruled supreme few days back and more are in the offing. In Imo State, the deputy governor was impeached for having a different view from his boss. That was even in defiance of a High Court ruling putting such action on hold. In Kano, the speaker was sacked for also not being the governor’s man. And in Kwara, the battle for control of the APC is on. Oshiomhole sacked the party exco reportedly loyal to Saraki. In Benue, some lawmakers became lawbreakers – as police provided cover for eight people to start impeaching the governor. According to the “point man”, Ikyange, the impeachment proceedings are based on, wait for it – ” offences the governor has committed in the past three years”! For the past three years, Ortom was a saint. While in APC, he was never found wanting. Did nothing wrong. Osho even said APC appreciated his leadership in Benue. But the moment Gov Ortom crossed carpet, he became a leper that must be impeached. Suddenly, it was a “ a relief” to Osho that Ortom was gone!

READ ALSO: Defection battle: Buhari’s men declare war on Saraki, Tambuwal, Ortom

For me, Terror, with its fake certificate, and his boss deserve to be transmitted, sorry sir, weeded out of our street. But, they also deserve considerations. Matter of fact, Terror may not be all that bad. Its bark may have scared off robbers at night. Who knows? By now, the killer herders may have invaded our street.

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Tokunbo David
Tokunbo David

Writer and editor.

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