Dear Nigerian women,
I know I have made a lot of noise about different issues affecting women in their marriages and relationships but today I will be doing something different. I will like to have a heart to heart talk with you today. It is a new year and I think the most appropriate time to talk about this is now. So if you are 18 years and above I think this should worth your while.
Before we get cracking, let me share a personal experience with you. I shared this same experience sometime in September last year and it went viral but today, I will only be taking a part of that write-up to gear every Nigerian woman up.
There was a time all I wanted to be was a ‘Mrs’. It was my ultimate ambition at that time. I didn’t have to chase too hard before I became one. When I eventually became a Mrs, I became contended with it and I didn’t want to pursue other dreams I had. I felt I had achieved something and so I was living my dreams. I lived under the shadow of my husband.
He worked while I performed the dutiful role of a homemaker.
All I did was to wait for him to come home and when he didn’t come on time, I hounded him. I called him every now and then. I became a nuisance. Why? It was because I didn’t have a life of mine.
I was living a borrowed life. I didn’t give him space, yet he tolerated me. I stalked him. And I knew it wasn’t healthy for us.
Moreover, I desperately, wanted my story to be that of the woman who was behind the success of her man. You know how we have been told that it is honourable for a man to be the success story and not the woman. My dreams changed to this narrative. I buried my ambitions. I died. The society dictates that the man should be the success story while his wife smiles sheepishly by his side.
The society states that marriage should be the greatest achievement of a woman and childbearing should be the jewels unto her crown. Our success stories were well scripted and defined by these two major characters- husbands and children. The settings of our life stories were mainly in the kitchen, bedroom and delivery room. Oh! How I almost missed it? But my mum pushed me hard! She kept telling me that marriage was only a small fraction of my dreams.
However, one beautiful morning the reality dawned on me. I resurrected. A fire ignited in me. Then I realized it wasn’t bad writing a success story myself. So, to every woman reading this I want you to re-ignite that spark in your life. I want your passion to develop wings. Get your life back and stop believing that you can only be successful when your husband is. A lot of young women don’t even know where their certificates are as I speak. They have talents and have no clue of what to do with it; they are just contended with being addressed as Mrs.
Many women who were brilliant in school have suddenly traded their dreams for marital vows. They prefer watching African movies all day to dusting up their certificates. They would rather wait for their husbands to get money to buy kerosene than start a small business.
Nigeria women whether, you are single or married, stop being leeches! Stop sleeping your way through to get what you want! Use your brain. Being a woman isn’t just about your breast and vagina, it is much more. Re-write your own story. Take a bold step and detach yourselves from men. You won’t die. Hard work doesn’t kill! It is so annoying seeing beautiful girls hanging around eateries and all it takes for men to sleep with them is just a bottle of coke and a meat pie. How low can you go! Why don’t you just wear a more expensive price tag? And you can only carry that kind of tag when you work hard.
Hey! Don’t come with the narrative that you are from a poor home, that’s no excuse. Last week a young girl called me from Oshogbo and I didn’t know her from Adam.
Apparently, she is from a poor background and we had discussions about her future ambition and education. She wanted to move down to Lagos to study and work. She is a young girl with ambitions; she could as well pick up an easier option of moving in with her boyfriend, cooking and cleaning for him while he also gets free sex as compensation. But she decided otherwise because she believed that there is dignity in labour.
Listen, I won’t pretend it is going be a bed of roses through your journey in life; you will encounter problems because the road to success isn’t a smooth sailing. Moreover, stories of success are knitted with tales of setbacks. However, don’t let that bother you, develop a thick skin and instead see it as a motivating force.
As for me, once in a while, I grieve for the wasted years I threw out into the bin. If wishes were horses, I would have loved to ride back in time to retrieve back the few years I was idle. Unfortunately, I can’t.
Moreover, you should stop cooking up excuses for how you are disadvantaged because you are a woman. Gender is irrelevant. It is your attitude that is awesome. Go get role models. Look out for women who are eager to tell you stories of hard work that will surprise and inspire you. At every stage in your pursuit of success, watch out for people who will help you discover insights that will open a door to new ambitions.
Fathers, nudge your girls on and set no limits for them. Believe in your daughters and the same dreams and aspirations you have for your boys should also be for your girls too. The girl child is not a lesser creature.
And to every Nigerian mummy, I think it’s high time we stopped telling our little girls that their wedding day is the best or most beautiful of their lives. Talk to them about successful and independent women. Help them find someone whose presence in the highest reaches of success, says it is safe for them to climb.
I mean someone who can nudge them on to view the spectacular view of great achievements. Help them discover role models who are candid about their challenges and not a coach on cooking techniques for dear husbands and other balderdash.
Don’t get me wrong, marriage can be beautiful but it shouldn’t define a woman. Life is much more than tweaking your clitoris and being a slay queen. Women should aspire more!
Are you single or newly married? Have you been married for a while but you have allowed your dreams to go on bed rest because you feel it’s not important? Probably you are a wife who had sacrificed her ambition on the altar of marriage.
I think you need to have re-think! Wake up, run your race, get on a career path and be ambitious. Marriage shouldn’t make you think differently. Your husband success isn’t yours!
Pursue your dreams now and own it.
RE: When women cheat
Here are my questions: Why do men marry more than one wife?
If this incident happens between your brother and his wife, how will you judge your sister in-law who cheats?
However, we are made to believe that God does not condemn but it becomes an issue when a woman gives more than one answer.
Good and a sincere piece. This fact serves as an answer to your assertion that if a man cheated and was caught or repented, you can never see him back into it again, but a woman that cheats never stops, that is the way they are wired by nature, carry out your research to prove me wrong.
–Pastor KB Olajide
When a woman cheats, she is making mess of her children and dignity. She contaminates and pollutes her children’s destiny and future! When a man cheats he is only answerable to GOD, but when woman cheats she is answerable to not only GOD but gods, culture e.t.c. Mind you a woman can be impregnated by another man but a man can never be pregnant.
So many men in the Bible had multiple women but tell me any woman you have ever seen both within and outside the Bible that has two husbands at the same time? Call a spade a spade. So many foolish people after reading some of your write ups get more foolish! Jesus is coming, please stop putting fire on already burning world!
Your article in my opinion is biased. The article should be titled “Women cheat because Men cheat”. So we know women are blameless because the whole article is an attack on the men. Just like the domestic violence issue
–Stephen Ipalibo Lawson
This is giving room to illegitimate children who turn out to be merciless on the innocent man after he must have spent his last penny feeding, educating and caring for them and their harlot mother.