Happiness is a good thing. That is why it is called happiness, right? So what is all this noise about Governor Rochas Okorocha appointing a commissioner for happiness and something something in Imo State? Imo people elected him and he made promises to them. If one of the promises is that he would make his people happy, should he not deliver on it? That is the only godly and honourable thing to do. Every politician should learn from him, really. And if Imo people are happy, why should the rest of us be sad on their behalf? Methinks instead us swallowing ‘APC Elerin’ tablets on behalf of the people of Imo, we should let the happiness thing spread. Yeah, let us all create offices for happiness, like, yours sincerely creating a slot for Happiness Editor, right? Doesn’t sound so bad.
As I write this, my mind’s first point of call in the PDP and its almighty convention. PDP, like no other party, needs a Happiness Secretary or Director of Happiness. We all know that PDP is one party that has uncanny capacity to generate its own sorrow and sadness in the twinkle of an eye and often for the flimsiest of reasons. The outcome of yesterday’s party convention will make some people very unhappy. Some members were already showing signs of unhappiness since last week and if their sadness is not well managed, well…. You see why there should be someone seeing to the party’s happiness management. Not that I have a list of what to do to make an unhappy politician happy. But I can hazard a guess. If I was pissed by the outcome of a party primary or election, I could be pacified by: a private jet flight to an island with endless beach and sea-green goodness. I’d prefer to be welcomed by a 90-minute spa treat, please. My suite should have a view of the sea and my meals should be exactly what I want. A credit alert showing my campaign expenses refund and a promise of a deal to keep me in political reckoning will certainly help the healing process. Not really a long list considering the consequences of my remaining unhappy endlessly. Imagine if PDP had had a Director of Happiness to pamper Bukola Saraki, Aminu Tambuwal, Kwakwanso, Aliyu Wamakko, Rotimi Amaechi, Olagunsoye Oyinlola and the other dozens of political heavyweights who left the PDP with their unhappiness. I’m not saying these juggernauts would have been pacified with a beach and sea view like me but there must be something that could have calmed Pa Obsanjo down and made him ‘untear’ his PDP card. I hope this old party will borrow a happy leaf from the Imo state governor.
Truth be told, the current champion, sorry, ruling party, APC , needs more than a few happy leaves to get past the coming season. Indeed, I see more than a few unhappy moments in that party’s future. What is worse, all their leaves are from the PDP. Uncaring, devil-may-care leaves. See the way APC has dismissed former Vice President Atiku Abubakar’s exit with a wave of the hand. He has no tangible electoral value, it said. I dey laff o. Wasn’t that what PDP thought in 2014 until it woke up too late that no-tangible-electoral-values in 50 senatorial districts can amount to gargantuan loss? Who doesn’t know that there are many unhappy fellows in APC itching to leave or do damage from within? Who doesn’t know that they all have electoral values in different quantities? My advice is that APC plant a tree of happiness right away to forestall a calamitous end to a good thing. And I’m sure Governor Okorocha will be willing to part with some happy seeds for free.
Now, since charity begins at home and the brand-new Commissioner is a woman, family happiness should be on the front burner all the time because a happy family is a happy nation. All men who fail to do their conjugal duties as at when due should be counseled and cautioned. All men who do not do effective duties should be called to order. All men who play permanent away games should be summoned that all plots left to fallow risk being cultivated by other farmers and indeed may be subjected to crop rotation. Starting from Imo men, let Madam Commissioner tell all husbands that no wife is truly happy unless she is spending her husband’s money. No apologies. It is the way God wired us. No matter how rich a woman is, she still must spend her man’s money.
For the women, you must accommodate your men in all forms every time you are called to duty. Being a wife is a call. So, you will be called. Daddy and Mummy routines are good but they soon get boring. So, update and upgrade yourself before your shares are uploaded for sale.
Do all these mean Imo state will need Happiness Vigilante Corp or Happiness Police to ensure everybody is complying with the new rules? Will there be a Happiness Sheriff? Who cares, as long as Imo people are happy and their governor is sure he is delivering dividends of democracy.
According to H. L Mencken, democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard. The people of Imo made a choice in 2015 and they deserve to enjoy their choice. There is no reason to cry more than the bereaved.
From my mailbox
There is nothing more to add to your prescriptions on spousal murder. However, it has been there all along. In the past, it was done by native doctors either through incantations or specially prepared dish for the victim. But modern age practitioners apply violent devices which are practical and verifiable. May God save humanity, Amen.
–Lai Ashadele
The person that kills his or her spouse sows the seed of immediate regret and eternal sorrow and suffering. I am a man of about 50 Years, If you call your wife a bad wife. I will Invite you to my home for us to compare notes to see If your wife has denied you sex for 12 years. Patience conquereth all! –08033397362
My dear Funke oooh, thank you so much for the piece… ‘Before you call the wedding planner’. This is timely because a lot is happening these days concerning young marriages. Some parents are always excited and do not patiently do the needful to find out what kind of family their children are going into marriage with. No proper marriage counseling, either by the church or from parents. May God Almighty guide us all accordingly. Remain blessed…your ardent follower. You’ve said it all. May God help us all. I love this write-up “before you call the wedding planner” keep it up! Funke in fact I am in love with your write-ups God bless you with this.
-08033089504
-Dr.P.Ikem Anughere. Palace Polytechnic.
-Idowu,from Abeokuta,Ogun state.
You’re on track ma’am. Just read your piece, ‘Before you call the wedding planner.’ Really, Heaven helps those that help themselves. May God keep you always. Thanks a lot.
–Roluchukwu, Onitsha