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In pursuit of love and happiness

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you are ready to damn every consequences to get whatever you want?

It’s crazy what love or the fear of being alone and miserable does to the mind, body and soul. You know you will get your heart broken in the end or when it’s finally over, but to you it is worth the risk.

Some couples in this clime end up in secret relationships for fear of what the society will say if they file for divorce. They would rather live a lie, go through hell at home than walk away.

They turn to secret lovers outside their marriage to get those things they lack at home because they feel stifled, unfulfilled, frustrated, and helpless in their marriages or relationships. Their choice to cheat is very daring and desperate. It is more of a desperate plea for help.

Secret romance is often brief but a passionate feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love, a feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness.

He’s in his late 30’s married for over 3 years. He said: “These past three years has been from one misery to another. My wife has made our marriage a living hell for me. I’m at a place where I’m ready to cheat on her but I would rather be divorced, than cheat on my wife”. In his pursuit of happiness, he would rather shut down his marriage officially and start another relationship on a clean slate. Divorce is his last resort.

She’s in her mid 40’s, married and in a secret romance with her boss. She said: “I have always had a good sense of judgment, but right now I’m stupid and can’t help it. I know. It will hurt when it’s over, but I will rather be deeply loved in secret than not being loved at all. I don’t need anyone telling me my heart is going to get broken because I already know. So save your advice because I won’t hear it, I’m going after my own happiness, my husband cares less if I’m miserable or happy. I’m still in this marriage because of the children.”

There must be something that triggers these kinds of actions with people venturing into secret affairs and damning all the consequences. A common myth is that secret affair is about sex but this is not often true.

Constant fights or silent simmering hostility erodes romance and distinguishes the flames of passion. Fighting to death or suffering in silence snuffs life out of sexual desire for most couples. And there’s less and less sex in such marriages.

Secret romance more often than not ends in a hurt because most times one of the partners may want more than the other partner is willing to offer or make public, but at the same time, it is fun and sweet while it lasts.

Secret romance happens between bosses and their staff which is also known as office romance. It also happens between best friends’ wives or husbands, where text messages, eye contacts and handshakes are often the means of communication.

In a secret romance, one is not allowed to be openly jealous even if their partner in crime flirts or is with someone else in their presence. Love doesn’t come around very often, so, they want to make every minute count doing things that makes them happy with others but in secret.

Being a secret lover or in a secret romance is great. You are free from drama and pressure; honesty and truthfulness abounds because you let your partner in on some of your deepest fears. The relationship is allowed to grow at its own pace and go in its own direction without people trying to meddle and steer it toward where they think it ought to go.

The benefit of secret romance is that all the pressure you get from friends and family is more manageable.  At inception, there is more devotion, more loyalty, more care and a deeper connection between the two, then it starts to wear off after a while because o9ne of the partners gets tired of playing hide and seek or even finds someone else more exciting.

People engage in extra marital affair not because their partner isn’t cute and successful, or because they don’t have children. In fact, a lot of people stay in unsatisfactory marriages for the sake of their children and what people will say.

Unfortunately, parents in miserable marriages only raise miserable and broken children. The legacies for these children are bitter and wounded models of marital relationships.

These couples feel trapped, bored, powerless, and lonely. With their brain chemicals going on strike, Serotonin is very much in short supply as well as dopamine, vasopressin and oxytocin. These are brain chemicals that ensure good moods, bonding, and passion.

Unfortunately most couples don’t get it, they are too busy trying to get a good life, leaving their spouses emotional needs out, going after attentive, caring and subtle admirers and the rest becomes history. This attentive admirer could be anybody from one’s neighbor to best friend or a total stranger.

In marriage, men and women desire safety and protection along with autonomy, and independence. They want mutuality, equal power relationship, recognition, devotion, submission, love, and commitment with passionate sex, fun, and excitement.

But when these things are missing, most couples stay put in their marriages but emotionally and sexually cheat with other people and this goes on for years. They even move from one secret relationship to another once the love and affection wears off from their present secret affair.

Once it gets to that point where you are comfortable having secret affairs because you are miserable in your marriage, I would advise you tell yourself the truth. You can seek for divorce and move on in search of your true happiness or continue lying to yourself and your partner.


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July 2018
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