Dorothy Anosike
Mrs. Lovett Obiakalusi is a life coach and marriage counsellor. She is the founder of Every Child Counts project. She believes that, for a family to function or exist properly, it should comply with God’s words, and sees herself as an advocate for truth and the justice of the scriptures. She does not believe in gender equality; however, she is quick to say that women have every right to aspire to the highest position in their workplaces and society, like men.
She spoke to Daily Sun recently on a wide range of issues.
People see you as a zealot, going by the way you preach the message of submission in marriage. What is your take on that?
I disagree completely with the view. I am a strong believer in balance because, in everything you do in life, there is need for balance. However, there are things on earth that you cannot compromise. First is truth, second is value. In whatever you do, you should not compromise value and truth.
People look at things from different perspectives but, no matter the perspective that you view it from, you must not compromise on truth. For me, in marriage, you need two things: love from the man and submission from the woman. The Bible, which is the standard for every believer, says that the wise woman builds her home but the foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. I believe that much of the pressure is on the woman to build her home. I have come to understand that a lot of women want to assume the position of men by not being submissive.
What is submission and how is it different from control?
Submission is willingly laying down your rights. You are not under any compulsion or coercion to do that. You understand that you don’t have to do so but you do it for the sake of peace. I have often told people that I don’t believe in gender equality, especially when it comes to the family. You can aspire to the highest level like the man in the workplace but, when it comes to the home, you cannot change God’s order. It is a command. The bible says, “wives, submit to your own husbands.”
All these problems are caused by the influence of Western education. I think that most of us have lost moral foundation. We must understand that all instructions of the scripture are for our good. If God says that a woman must be submissive in order to be happy and at peace in her family, why do you want to fight against God? It is pure rebellion.
He says submit to your own husband, and then, the man, “love your wife as much as Christ loves the church and laid down his life for her;” so, for the woman, it is even less. The man (duty) is practical death. It literally means he is supposed to die for the woman, but if we don’t understand these things, it will not just work.
The message of submission is a very strong and powerful one. As difficult as it may sound, it is the only way to run a happy home. It is built on wisdom. If you understand the mystery of submission, you would have a blissful marriage all your life. I have been married for about 25 years and still counting. Without sounding immodest, I must say that it still feels fresh and brand new every day. Submission has made my marriage blossom day after day.
A man needs to be respected and his respect comes from the woman’s submission. Rebellion from the woman gives the man heartbreak. Humility, respect, love and patience have remained the major components of submission. If you define each one of them, you would find out that, when you submit to a man, it authomatically translates to respect. When you respect a man, it translates to love. It is not enough to say “I love you, I love you” endlessly. You must respect the man even when he is a cripple, deaf or in whatever physical disability. If you are respectful, humble and patient with him, you will have a beautiful marriage. Just play the fool. Some people say that I am not wise, and I agree with them. I am not wise, yet I have a beautiful marriage.
My husband feels safe with me. He can let me in on anything but, when you always challenge your man and keep disobeying him, even if he owns the world, he will not leave anything in your name because he does not feel safe with you. Invariably, he will leave nothing in your care.
Why did you choose restructuring of relationships and marriage as your top priority?
I think that the media have not been very helpful in terms of marriage and relationships. We have too many negative videos and views regarding relationships and marriages in the media so the young ones are confused as to what the right values are. Titus, Chapter 3, says that the older women should teach the upcoming generation how to manage their homes.
There are so many unfit mothers today. While some are busy pursuing eternal youthfulness, self-absorbed or chasing money, others are wasting their time on running around town showing off their wealth and beauty, leaving their duty posts to total strangers. There is a very big vacuum and there are no appropriate messages passed to the young ones. What mothers are after is how to get some rich suitors for their daughters and arrange for flamboyant weddings. Unfortunately, they start shopping for their female children too early and negatively, too. Something needs to me done immediately and fast to help society get back its values or we are doomed. It is time to restore hope and dignity to the family and human race. The best place to start is with the up-coming generation.
I took up this challenge to restore peace and joy in the home. We need to start restructuring and re-engineering the mindset of the next generation so they know what the right values are. In a nutshell, I saw a yawning gap that needed to be bridged because of the rate and level of confusion in the minds of young people.
How has the the campaign been so far?
Initially, I thought it was a simple task but as I interacted with young women, I marvelled at their level of confusion. These girls feel genuinely loved, cared for and understood. For them, it is a relief that someone is willing to listen to them and actually knows what their challenges are.
They share their deepest worries and concerns with me and I counsel them in return. I find it amazing how much work they put into their relationships and marriages. I feel great when their marriages are revamped. In some cases, parents have called to thank me for the transformation in the lives of their daughters and their marriages. That is my motivation.
What is your greatest challenge?
It takes lots of effort, time, and resources to do all these. It is a big venture but it is to help humanity gain some sanity. It involves both human and financial commitments. Our major challenge so far has been sponsorship and partnership. We have not been able to break even. Ministry and missionary work require so much work and finance. We need partners and sponsors.
What is Valiant Women Awards about?
We celebrate women in commerce, medicine and other sectors.When I say other sectors, I mean women who make marriages work. Marriage involves a lot of hard work. Someone is working tirelessly and fighting, doing a great job of raising godly children and building a man. Yes, I insist that women build men, yet no one acknowledges them. No one celebrates them.
Where do you see this project in another 10 years?
It will go global. I want this message to get to every nook and corner of the world. The world is rife with negative vibes about marriage. It is the same way we get to hear about separations and divorces in marriages across the globe. In that same vein, I would like the world to celebrate successful unions and inspire young people. The good news is that marriage does work and can work, if you giveit the attention it truly deserves. Let us spread the word.
During the first edition of Valiant Women Awards, we celebrated a couple that has been married for 55 years. Remarkably, they have just one female child and they are living happily, still excited about themselves. The daughter was also present to share the success of her parent’s marriage. Marriage works, and we want that celebrated. By marriage, I mean proper marriage, not “on credit,” baby mama or co-habitation.
What should your followers expect from HANEF in 2018?
We have Naked Truth, a singles’ platform where we bare it all. We listen to true life situations, interact and seek best, sincere, realistic and scriptural ways to handle real-life issues. At Naked Truth, we tell it exactly how it is. It will hold in February in three cities. We have A Mother’s Cry, a conference for married and single women, coming up in Enugu, Lagos and Abuja. Also, Inspire Change is another HANEF conference that is geared towards magnifying the role of family in our society. It is another family-related conference from HANEF. I Stand with the Family Conference is also slated for this year.
What is your advice to young women with regard to marriage and relationships?
God has a standard. They should understand that all instructions of scriptures are for our gain. Whatever God says is for your benefit. When you want to get into a relationship, do so with the understanding of what God wants. Godly relationships are the ultimate thing. I want them to know that life is about impact not about emulation, so they must live their lives knowing that there are people looking up to them. There are people that want to model their life after their fashion and they have to enter relationships with the understanding that it must work.
No trial-and-error in marriage. You should not go in with the attitude of “if it works, all well and good. If it doesn’t work, I get out.” No, that is unacceptable. The Bible says, if your eyes be singled, your whole body will be filled with light. So, the single purpose of making it work is very important. You must have your priorities right.
You must know your negotiables and non-negotiables. There are things you must not toy with and one of such is your faith. Your faith matters a lot. For ladies, I say, “Marry the man you can submit to,” and for men, “Marry the woman you can love.” Marriage is beautiful. Marriage is God’s will. It can be enjoyed. It can be blissful all the days of your life. So, you must have the right perception.
Tell us about the give-back project you had last December.
We had the Project Every Child Counts. It is a project where we celebrate children, especially orphaned and vulnerable children. During my yearly birthday celebration at my home in the East, I try to get these children together and fete them. We give them lots of gifts and have a fun-filled party with them. I indulge them with all those fun things that only privileged children in the city enjoy.In the midst of all the partying, we inspire them to pursue a greater and better future. We tell them that it is not about where one starts but where he/she ends that matters.
ieve in the future of these children and I know that if they are inspired with the right attitude, they could be anything they want to be.