If for any reason we cannot be No.1 in open defecation, we should try to, at least, clinch the No. 1 position in open defection in light of the fact that our politics is guided by “stomach infrastructure”
Chika Abanobi
Brothers and Sisters in Crisis, ask those who attended the inauguration of the National Action for Revitalisation of Water Supply, Sanitation and Hygiene (WASH), Sector with me. I was normal as any normal person could be, under the present situation in our country, before the conference. You could speak to me and I could reply without any person suspecting that anything was wrong with me. I could speak to you too and you would make some sense out of what I was saying. There was no hanky-panky game anywhere.
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However, my problem started when the President, through his representative, at the conference, said something about how Nigeria is now No. 2 in the ranking of countries whose citizens have developed some phobia for water closet (WC), simply because there is no water anywhere to close the set after defecation. No. 2 ke, no not again? In this one, there’s no way we should be satisfied remaining as No. 2. It is either No. 1 or nothing, jo.
Let me be sincere with you. Although I was there, if I tell you that I heard three quarters of what was said, I would be telling you nothing but barefaced lie. Like others who attended the conference, I was there to only siddon look. Half of what was said circulated in the air around or above us for some minutes, I believe, before finding their way into the crevices of the structures around the place. The other half, or is it, one-quarter, went back to the speaker. The remaining quarter, I suspect, was what hit me with the sharp edge of a poking needle. Nigeria No. 2 in the ranking? “No way”, I discovered myself, suddenly saying aloud from where I sat. “Please, return the result or verdict to whoever came up with that concoction of a result or research. It is either No. 1 or nothing.”
The senior army officer or, is it senior operative of the Department of State Security (DSS), in charge of security at Aso Rock, signaled the officer standing close to me to give me a ‘dirty’ (dating?) slap. That one reached out and ‘samad’ (hammered?) me with one red-hot slap that made me see, first, the stars, then the moon, Jupiter, Saturn, in that order, and, lastly the Venus. Was I dreaming? No. You must have heard the news from the President himself, of how we are now No. 2 in open defecation. But my fellow stewdents (students?), co-debaters, accurate term keeper (a la Atiku) and impartial jaw-jeez, I am here to tell you how we can become No. 1 in this one.
You mean we are just No. 2 in open defecation? No way. That’s not fair. In fact, I am not happy with this development. I mean, on this one, we should aim at being No. 1. No more, no less. We should not accept anything less. So? Go, throw away those old WCs and find your way into the bush or to any of the open spaces or railway lines in town.
Come to think of it, isn’t time we became No. 1 in something. Good or bad, it does not really matter. After all, No. 1 is No. 1. You are Oko-something. I am Osho-something. As far as I am concerned, O is O. Take it or leave it! What is important is emerging the winner, isn’t it? But, if for any reason we cannot be No.1 in open defecation, we should try to, at least, clinch the No. 1 position in open defection, especially in light of the fact that our politics is not guided by any political ideology, left or right, but by “stomach infrastructure” (apology to Ayodele Fayose, the Gbam Gbam Dim Dim 1 of PDP Autonomous Community).
Brothers and Sisters in Crisis, like I noted at the beginning of this write-up, I was normal at the beginning of the conference, but by the time the conference ended, I found myself talking and writing nonsense. In fact, I found myself babbling and rambling. People who know me said it must have had something to do with the hot slap that the security operative gave me for reacting the way I did, although I did that impulsively. On the spur of the moment! Well? That’s why you see me rambling here, mixing up defecation with defection. But let me go back to the subject of defecating openly. I just learnt a system has been put in place that will make it possible for us to clinch the No. 1 position when next the census takes place.
And, leading the way is Nigerian traders, men and women, selling beans – ewa, agwa, or whatever it is called in your local language. I read that they now preserve beans with Sniper. So? Caveat Emptor! If you buy any beans from any market, from now, make sure you wash it and wash it and wash it and wash it and then cook it and cook it and cook it till all the Sniping poison in it is removed. Otherwise, you might find yourself joining, willy-nilly, the campaign to make Nigeria No. 1 in open defecation.
The moment I learnt about this, I hurriedly left the venue of the WASH conference and went about shouting WASH everywhere I went. I got to somewhere in Ojuelegba, Lagos, and said to a group of people I met there – WASH and one of them said to me: “WASH what, Sir?” I replied: “Anything washable.” Suddenly, a debate broke out among them. Some of them said that what they heard me say is WATCH, not WASH; others insisted I said WASH, not WATCH. I didn’t even care to know who was right and who was wrong. I just walked on and continued with my message of WASH. Someone among the next group of people I met at Owerri, Imo State, swore that I really meant WATCH, not WASH because of the present climate of politicks (politricks?) in Imo State. I didn’t respond to what he said. Come to think of it, I mean, wetin concern me with Okoro, Oshio, Hope, Hopelessness, Roach, Thought (Uche) and Thoughtlessness?
From there, I found my way to Abeokuta, Ogun State and the moment I said WASH, someone said O mase o, e be like say na now now dis one begin dey craze. Instead of saying WATCH, he is asking us to WASH.” I turned to him and said: “Na you dey craze pass if you no know. They gave una House of Rape and Sin-nator, upon dat una collect GUAVA GNAW join. If dat one no bi oju kokoro (greed), I don’t know what else it is.” So? WASH, sorry, WATCH!