Wonder of all wonders! Someone said he saw my name on the list of looters released, last week, is it true? Did you see any name that began with a “C,” “H”, “I” “K” or “A” and ended with an “A” “B” “N” or “I”? Then that must be my name.
And, you have the audacity to ask me which of the two lists my name appeared? Both! Ah, a Nigerian no dey carry last especially when it comes to this issue of corruption. You fight it; it fights you. And, at the end of the day, your name may have the misfortune or is it, the fortune? of appearing on both lists. It is a matter of do-me-I-do-you, Gut-no-go-vex.
In fact, when Senator Shehu Sani, in his Tweet, challenged the two parties involved in accusations and counter-accusations to release the saints’ list among them, initially, I began to bow, then I began to tremble. When later I discovered that I seem to have turned the order upside down, I began to tremble and followed it up with bowing.
Why? Because I know that I will never make the list no matter how much tithes and offerings I give to church and no matter how many vigils I attend and no matter how many times I visit the “Holy Land” on pilgrimage. Even in Jerusalem, Bethlehem, Nazareth, Mecca, Medina or whatever, corruption is fighting back! No matter how many times I sing, “Lord, I want to be in the number when the saints go marching in,” I doubt whether I will be able to make the mythical saints’ list.
As for you, can you swear with the staircase of the private jets that your GO flies in and out of Nigeria that if they publish the saints’ list that your name will ever make it? If you can’t then what are you talking about? Corruption is fighting back! And, none of us, both governors and the governed, will ever make it if such a list finds its way into public domain tomorrow.
Despite our religiosity and sanctimonious appearance and attitude, none of us is qualified to be on the saints’ list. If I lie, may God take away from this earth the life of my great grandmother! Say Amen!
They say, originally, from Adam and Eve, my name was not there in both lists. They say it was someone who didn’t want my face, who didn’t want me to contest the 2019 election because he knew that, with me, in the race, he had better bid farewell to victory before it comes looking the other way, for him. They say it was the fellow who put my name on the looters’ list. They say he used a blue pencil to write it somewhere beside the bona fide owners of the list, before a typist or is it a compu-grapher, saw the name and joined it to the list of looters. And, that was how my name made it to the looters’ list.
And, what offence did they charge me with? That I raided the Longman Dictionary of English and Oxford Advanced Learners’ Dictionary and looted them bare of adjectives, adverbs, and everything “ad.”! In fact, it was while I was trying to defend myself against the allegations that I discovered why some people had their loots counted in billions and others in millions.
For those who stole the money with bullion vans, I heard that they added billion (bullions?) to their names. For those who used their minions (?) to do it, they attached “millions.” So you shall know them by to the kind of “ions” they keep. But when they came to my name, they ran into a problem as to what to put beside it, until one ingenious fellow took up his blue pencil and wrote that phrase “3.5 millions adjs and advs” besides my name.
People like us don’t loot in billions or millions. We hiss while others are doing so. We gossip about it. We complain. We speak in low voices to one another. Or, else we go to church to pray to Baba God to bless them with more money simply because they gave to our church part of their loots. And, since we all are guilty by association, by seeing evil and not saying anything or by swearing to see no evil and speak no evil, right from the pulpit to the street outside, may I humbly suggest that we are all looters. And, when the “saints” go marching in, I doubt whether any of us will be in the number.
All that you need to do in order to confirm this fact is to take a walk into Alaba International market or Computer Village, Ikeja, Lagos and pretend you want to buy any product or commodity – smart phones, laptops, I-pads, phone accessories, shoe, “packaged shirt,” screwdriver, sewing machine, garri, beans, etc, and see whether you will ever come back with a genuine or “complete” product or commodity. Verdict: we are all corrupt, sir.
Since this is the case, may I suggest that we form an association, something like Corrupt People Association of Nigeria (CpAN) or Looters’ Association of Nigeria (LAN). Now, who will be our Chairman? Anybody? How about General Secretary? Who should we vote for? Publicity Secretary, nko? Who will be our Treasurer? How about Financial Secretary? The earlier we share these posts out the better for all of us, for then we will be more organized in this glorious (inglorious?) art of looting. As for me, since you people said you saw my name on the list of looters released by APC and PDP, I have already chosen the position in the yet-to-be registered LAN – Assistant Financial Secretary.
But before we organise and hold the election, someone should tell Senator Shehu Sani that if the saints’ list is drawn up today, I know some people in Nigeria who will definitely make it. They include: St. Matthew Okikiolu Aremu Obasanjo, St. Ibrahim Badamasi Babangida (IBB), St. Muhammadu Buhari, (is he still the Mai Gaskiya? or has he dropped that toga?) St. Yemi Osinbajo, St. Ahmed Tinubu, St. Lai Mohammed, St. Rotimi Amaechi, St. Uche Secondus, St. Babachir Lawal, St. Maina. I am sure when the saints go marching in, wherever these “saints” are, they will surely be among the number.