By Gloria Ikegbule
For Adetutu Oluyelu, a broadcaster, growing up is not an experience she likes to recall. She is not even comfortable talking about it because, according to her, it was filled with many abuses and woes.
By sheer determination and resilience, she triumphed over the odds, and, today, she has achieved success. As a broadcaster, fame comes with the territory. She has overcome her past to live her dream of giving hope and guidance to other women
In this interview with Daily Sun recently, Oluyelu, a presenter at UNILAG 103.1FM, addresses some issues that threaten the existence and sustenance of ideal family life.
Having not enjoyed the warmth of your stepmother, what do you make of women who get married to men with children?
I don’t know why women or ladies of today are so shallow in their perception about life. They only consider the instant rewards, not minding the aftermath of their actions and inactions. Children are special gifts from God.
Before going into such relationships, there are certain things one has to consider, especially in today’s world, where there are lots of terrible things happening around us. Any woman getting into such a relationship should ask questions about the man’s former wife. It is important to know the present status of the woman, whether she is deceased or alive, and also investigate to know exactly what happened to her before sticking out your neck.
But again, I ask, is it worth being married as a second wife? Why would you settle for less when God has given you the power to be the woman of your own home and run your home? Why would you share your spouse with another woman, and risk you and your children’s security? These are serious questions begging for answers.
Assessing the Nigerian family system, what values have been relegated to the background on account of broken homes?
There is no doubt that the parenting is most affected in our world today. Unfortunately, we have lost all that made us a people and our value system has completely been eroded.
Today’s parents have become too busy to attend to their responsibilities at home. Mothers have lost track of their duties and relinquished their roles to care-givers and house-helps, so much so that these people turn around to either take over their homes or harm their children, and even the carting away of material valuables, to say the least
I can’t really make out how we lost these values but we lost it a long time ago. Good parenting system involves creating an environment of love, which is devoid of fear and violence. It is important that parents get to know their children and understand how to reach out to them in times of need. This is only possible through bonding. This is important because it is the key to access, discipline, training and promoting a viable relationship with our children. Although this was not entirely what parenting was all about in the past.
Fathers were practically seen as semi-gods by both children and mothers. One of the reasons was that fathers pay the bills while mothers were supporting them. Today, all that has been thrown into the trash can simply because we have become so Westernised. We have lost our values.
If we desire to return to our roots, we must make a conscious effort to save the future generation. One of the ways to get it back is to be responsible to our duties. We must be determined to live up to our expectations as parents. It starts with winning the confidence of our children first.
What do you think a perfect family is, and how attainable is it in the 21st century?
There is nothing like a perfect family because when you say ‘perfect,’ you are invariably saying that the people involved are perfect.
This is the 21st century, where a lot of things are contesting with family values and principles. Every member of the family should understand that these are dangerous times and strive to live above it all by ensuring that the family is kept intact. It is the same way every other sector of the society strives to stay above the storm and still meet up with the century goals. The family must ensure that its principles and ideologies are not be eroded.
With the economic challenges in the country, how can husband and wife maintain the bond of love and unity?
Economic challenges will always be there but the family must prepare for both the rainy and sunny days. As soon as a couple settles down into marriage, one of the things they must try to put in place is a good financial system that will aid, improve and sustain their family’s economic situation, whether or not they have had children.
Maintaining a good savings culture and good investment system will tackle any issues ahead of them.
In keeping up with economic crises, most often, children are left in the care of strangers and they are liable to abuse at such times. In what way can abuse of children be checked?
We will keep talking about this until organisations and relevant agencies do the needful and consciously put in place what it takes to curb security breeches and child abuse.
Government should take the lead by ensuring and putting in place informal creches for babies and toddlers to promote bonding with their mothers.
To prevent child abuse, parents should expose children to sex education and tell them the truth about it without mincing words. They should also let them know the risks involved in all their actions and inactions, as far as sex is concerned. More so, education and parental trust are important in curbing any form of abuse.
Since most women embrace multiple streams of income to support the upkeep of the home, does this pose a threat to family life?
What women are doing today is not different from what they have been doing in the past. Although they were not educated in those days, but they were gainfully employed. They were fully engaged in farming and were still able to fulfil their roles at home and in their families. They produced farm crops, harvested and sold them to take care of their families.
Today, more women are educated and work as hard as ever, all to ensure that their families are well catered for. It is their duty to also make sure that their children do not lack. So, it does not pose any threat as long as there is mutual understanding and each person plays his/her role effectively.
Most men would stop their wives from pursuing their careers against their wishes. How can a woman balance obedience to her husband and ensuring her financial independence?
I don’t understand why a man would literally want to kill himself by deliberately stopping his spouse from working, especially in these times of recession. I don’t think its logical. It depends on the reasons for which he would take such a stance.
For women in that category, I would only advise that they engage in anything they believe is their passion, even if it is not profit-oriented, initially, but, in the long run, I think that when the man sees how passionate you are and have worked towards achieving success, he would give in.
Such women can also plead with their husbands to allow them engage in any vocation of interest. Such decisions are not cast in stone. Its a question of compromise and understanding.
What do you consider the purpose of marriage and what role can women play in keeping the family focused?
The purpose of marriage as instituted by God from the beginning of creation is basically for companionship and, later, for procreation.
Until woman was created, man was always alone and even now, until a man is married, he would continue to be alone. No one can fill the vacuum except his wife. Women should understand their natural roles and aspire to play them for the good of their husbands and entire family.
It is important for women to embrace their family with love and respect. They should ensure that no one lacks love at any point in time.That is the ideal way to keep the family intact and focused.
What should ladies of today do in preparation to be good wives?
First, a lady must ensure that she prepares herself to be available. You cannot afford to be mediocre. You must stop all these cheap romance and film-house relationships. Look for a man who is focused. A man with a vision and not one with just television.
When you go for any job interview today, companies are not mostly interested in your outstanding results but what you can to do to better improve the productivity of such organisations.
Hence, a man with a vision is not limited because, as he is working with the vision, he expands and grows bigger. But a man with a television set will only continue to look and watch others move while he is on the same spot.
However, as they say, birds of the same feather flock together. If you build yourself up to be a strong lady, intelligent and outstanding, you will definitely be found by a man with similar attributes or even better. So, my advice is, be gold and you will get gold or be wood and you get ashes.