THE vandalization and militant higi haga going on in some parts of Lagos state has caused many elders of the land hypertensive palpitations and throbbing cardiovascular aches. What you are about to read is an interactive exchange between a concerned high chief and a cocky militant.
Yes, that paragraph was an attempt to mimick Igodomigodo, Hon Patrick Obahiagbon. Chief: Why are you harassing the people of Ikorodu? It’s not fair because they are innocent people.
Militant: There are no innocent people in this matter.
Chief: What matter?
Militant: The harassment of Ijaw people, the vandalisation of Niger Delta, the pillaging
of wealth and resources that belong to the South South people.
Chief: Ah ahhh, the oil belongs to all of us. It is the resource of the Federal Republic
f Nigeria. Oil is our common wealth. Just because it resides under your soil does not
mean it belongs to you.
Militant: Ok now, go and take it and sell. You people have been raping Niger Delta for
so long you don’t even remember how to do the thing gently.
Chief: What thing? Nonsense. According to the Nigerian constitution….
Militant: Spare me the legal jargons you all have been hiding behind to rape our and.
Chief: Why are you fixated on rape. The nation has followed rules and operated within
Militant: To impoverish our people?
Chief: Wait a second, is that the reason you are raping Ikorodu women?
Militant: No Ijaw man will rape an ‘Ngbati’ woman. Our women are finer, rounder and
hotter. What do we need Ikorodu women for? We are men on a mission and we do not
need the distraction of the heavy duty ‘backyard’ of a Yoruba woman.
Chief: You and your people are evil, otherwise why would you hold Ogun and Lagos
people responsible for what you perceive the whole nation has done to you? We know
those who are giving you guns, your armourers and we will soon go after them
Militant: You are a joke and that is why you are funny. Is that supposed to frighten
me, an Ijaw, armed and fortified by Egbesu gods? Please, go after all the people you want
to go after. Did you not threaten that too under Jonathan? Didn’t you threaten to unmask
Boko Haram sponsors? Mcheeew.
Chief: You are hissing at a Chief? You are not afraid?
Militant: Apart from speaking English, what can a Yoruba Chief do?
Chief: Eeemi, the son of Okanbi, the direct descendant of Oduduwa…
Militant: What did I just say now? You are going to launch into a long poetry of how
your ancestors killed elephants and hippopotamus with bare hands but who cares?
We are focussed on the present and how to secure the future.
Chief: By killing children and walking through the blood of good people whose
only offence is that they live near water. How do you even sleep after slitting throats and beheading people, like demons from the pit of hell?
Militant: Soundly. What needs to be done must be done. We are warriors. We do not
faint at the sight of blood.
Chief: And you think it s sane, decent and godly to kill people who were just going
about their lives? You are just a criminal. And if you think you are going to get away with it,
you have another think coming.
Militant: I do not think I will get away with it, I know I have gotten away with it. You
don’t see me in handcuffs, do you?
Chief: Your nemesis is around the corner. Militant: That is not a statement of fact, just
Chief: Justice will catch up with you. You will soon be arrested and then the law will
take its course.
Militant: Dream on. It’s so easy to navigate Yoruba waters. Unlike the northerners
who will draw a dagger and go on rampage, the Yoruba man is too sophisticated to spill
blood. He will either resign himself to fate and go to church or start speaking big big English.
Chief: Arrant nonsense. Absolute balderdash, that’s what you are spewing forth.
Militant: Chaaiii. More English, please. Chief: You think this is a joke.
Militant: Not yet. The best is when all the elders start outdoing themselves in the media.
Two pages or more of interviews in every newspaper. Suddenly, all of them will have
spokesmen signing statement condemning our dastardly acts. All the small and big lawyers
will grace every breakfast show on television quoting sections and chapters of the
constitution and how militants should all be hauled off to jail.
Chief: We can also threaten to secede, you know?
Militant: For where? That has never gone beyond the half-page press statements. The
South West can never secede. Never.
Chief: Really? One day, all this will come to an end, we will fight back.
Militants: Do you know there are more human rights people in the South West than
in the entire country? I just love listening to those ones after a long week of hard work.
They are so entertaining.
They speak the biggest English. They know all the laws and international best
practices. They will quote conventions and treaties. They know the number of people
who died in every war and even the number of people who will die in wars that have not
Chief: You are such a hopeless ignoramus and pathetic illiterate.
Militant: Point of correction, rich illiterate but I’m in charge. See the way your people have fled their villages. They will be somewhere speaking plenty English. I think going to too many schools has many disadvantages.
Chief: Oh my ancestors, are you listening to this water boy?
Militant: Yeah, they are listening. They just can’t do anything about us. You will do well
to tell your people in Epe, Lekki, Apapa and other waterside areas that we will be needing
them to move further inland because we need space to build our operation headquarters
and training school. We don’t want them quoting land use this and that at us. We need
land, we will take land. It’s as simple as that.
Chief: You are joking? The land of our fathers?
Militant: No, the land of Olokun and we are Olokun’s children too. And we are not
asking for land in Magodo or Ikeja. We are restricting ourselves to our natural habitat. We have asked nicely now o.
Chief: Ask nicely my foot! You will hear from our lawyers.
Militant: Yeah right. I didn’t expect anything less. Big English, lawyers, human rights
activists and plenty newspaper interviews. But it’s all good, you guys speak all the grammar,
we take all the action. (Laughing loudly).
RE: Guilty of the 11th commandment.
What happened is normal thing among politicians. But they forget the Yoruba saying
that “What is a normal thing in our place is a taboo in another land. Our politicians need
to learn to keep their sexual desires in check anywhere they are.-08035627833
Good one Funke. Your piece, Guilty of the 11th Commandment, really showcased
all sides of the situation. Honestly, somebody should tell us what these guys are guilty of.
We must not forget that American women are capable of claiming anything. Notwithstand-
ing, our ‘honourables’ should always focus on their business whenever they are out there.
Funke don’t mind theseYankees, they just want to divert our attention from the loaded
stolen dollars of our money in their treasury.
I am sure if our legislators had done it with their men, no camera would have seen or re-
ported it. Is it not in that same country that one of their Presidents was doing ‘it’ with an intern?
Did heaven fall? The business of men liking women is a natural one. The one they are
preaching is evil and Nigeria has said no to them;; it is no go area. It is man with woman,
not man with man.- [email protected]>
If I miss reading back page of Sunday Sun, hmmm, I will just feel like I lost a huge
amount of money. The way you jokingly write serious issues make me get addicted to
your column. - 08168018572.
Thanks so much, I admire your write-up-08102767867