The Sun News

Controlling husbands monitor wives’ social media accounts

A husband who tells his wife to delete her social media account is controlling. During the week a woman told me she would be leaving social media, Facebook, precisely because she wants peace in her home and I asked her if her husband would also be closing all his social media accounts and she said no.

She wanted my opinion on it and I told her to do whatever she feels is right because I know what the answer of an average Nigerian wife would be.

However, because I don’t think like an average Nigerian woman, I kept quiet. I really don’t want to go into the details of the story but the summary of the gist is that this lady’s husband is very insecure. He doesn’t want men making comments on his wife’s post or pictures. If any man does, she is in trouble. According to her, when this happens, he might not even speak to her for days. Many times, she has tried to explain that she has no power over who makes comments on her post or not but he remained adamant. I am certain if we are allowed to catch a glimpse of his inbox, he is going to be a troll and there is a high probability that he is sending nude pictures to other women.

Another lady also shared an experience she had when on a bus. She said that she got into an argument with some men who believed that women who go on social media go there to prostitute. According to her, these men vowed that their wives can never be on any social media platform.

Moreover, I have heard stories of men who banned their spouses from social media interactions because they may not know some of their social media friends or the nature of their relationships. I have heard that social media has aroused suspicions between couples; that these platforms encourage, jealousy provoking information sharing that often leads to more partner surveillance.

However, I think men who reason this way without any evidence from their wives need to be checked up by a combined team of deliverance pastor, clinical psychologist and psychiatrist. Because such men are definitely clocked in at the early stage of the insanity spectrum. Why do you feel threatened by a stranger telling your wife she is beautiful? Why will you assume your wife has started sleeping with everyone she interacts with on Facebook or Instagram?

Let me clearly state here that having Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, Instagram or Snapchat account doesn’t have to lead to jealousy but it only happens when you are an anxious or untrusting person.

I really don’t understand how a man will take delight in making his wife unhappy, because you want to be in control of her life.

There is a story of man who hacked into his wife’s social media account. This man used a software to gain access into her phones and email. He also planted a tracking device on her car. Crazy isn’t it? Excuse me sir! I know she is your wife but this is not healthy. Abuse doesn’t happen only when you beat your wife. Emotional abuse happens over a sustained period of time, where the perpetrator repeatedly controls the victim. When you take over your wife’s phones or her social media account, that is abuse.  And if you restrict her movement and cut her off from her family and friends, that is an abuse too.

I find it very difficult to understand the master-slave relationship going in many marriages all in the name of submission. I am of the opinion that a wife should be a friend and not a servant. So, if she is your friend why would you deprive her of some basic things? It is a pity that some husbands treat their wives like a television set, which they can easily tune to any channel at will. They even carry the remote around; all they have to do is just to press a button and their wives will be at their beck and call.

How much bride price did you pay? Now you are screaming blue murder because someone admired her picture on Instagram, you should be grateful someone did and that means you have been doing a good job.

Stop threatening her that you will send her back to her father’s house because of what she is not in control of. Coercing her to leave a social media platform is wrong and won’t even solve your problems. Mr Husband, you should go deal with your insecurities.

I know a single lady who is dating a young guy who told her to leave Facebook but she insisted she would not and I strongly supported her too. My main point of contention is that anyone who asks you to delete your social media account for whatever reason is not worthy of companionship and, therefore, such request should not be entertained. There is no justifiable reason for an adult to ask another adult to delete his or her Twitter/Facebook account. For every single person reading this, if you are in a relationship with anyone who tells you to leave social media for whatever reasons, please run. That person is a monster waiting to unleash his/her wiles. Run as fast as you can.

Don’t let anyone tell you that it is because you prioritize entertaining and being friends with strangers over the woman/man in your life. That is bullshit! If you must delete or deactivate your account it must be because you want to not because somebody is telling you to do that to prove how much you care.

Please don’t tell me crap about obedience and how a husband is the head. Biko, if a man is man enough, he should know that social media is more of a blessing than a curse to many. A real man who is very busy pursuing business and contracts has no time snooping around on his wife’s social media activities. Seriously sir, you are not busy!

Even if your wife was caught cheating on social media, do you think it will stop her? An incurable cheat will always be one and no amount of your ban can stop her from doing what she loves doing. If your wife is spending so much time on social media, talk to her and tell her you want more of her time, I think that is more reasonable than banning her outright. I have a friend who thinks his wife is sharing too much on social media; they both sat down and agreed on what should be out there and what shouldn’t. For me, I think some of these social media palaver between couples is really less about technology and more about healthy communication and boundaries in relationships.

Moreover, I know two couples who believe in sharing a mobile pin, email password and social media log in details.  Wow! This is the best way to commit to someone. Oh! These are my favourite couples; they share everything and keep nothing away. I feel more couples should emulate these instead of snooping around or declaring state of emergency on social media.   

Interestingly, there are couples who are not even friends on social media and their love is strong. Also, I know couples who are friends who hardly relate on the platform and there are some who flaunt their relationship too. So, if you feel social media is toxic for your relationship unfriend or block yourselves so that you can bring back the spark in your relationship. But telling your wife to sacrifice her social media account on the altar of your ego is not only childish, it is foolish too.

Re: Woman, your husband is not an ATM machine

Your piece was excellent and well crafted. More grease to your elbow and keep doing the good job. Thanks. –080212….000

I never knew there are still good, truthful and sincere ladies like you in our world. Wicked, selfish and heartless wives are everywhere in Nigeria. God bless you.

–Dr. Anughere P.

A woman who truly loves her home must respect the overall contribution of her husband and should know that if the man suddenly drops dead the entire responsibility will fall on her. Good one Bola.

–Rev. Ifeanyi, Abuja.

I read your piece in the last Sunday Sun, it’s great. Keep it coming. Thanks a lot.

–080365…604

Good day, I enjoyed reading your piece! Men should know how to discuss or talk over issues with their wives. It’s not proper to continue carrying a load of care your finances can’t accommodate. Instead of complaining to friends, you should be man enough to opt out. It’s good to help in-laws but only when it’s convenient. Every hand must be on deck for things to work in any relationship. It takes two to tango, may God help us all.

–080333….806.

Bola you are on point, may God Almighty continue to strengthen you on marital advice. Keep up the good work. My weekend is incomplete without reading your column.

–Myke, Abuja.

Thank you Bola, there’s nothing else to say. We hope that those this article was directed at will take a cue. More grease to your elbows!

–Dr. Uche,FESTAC, Lagos.

Bola,

your piece is really straight from the heart. It’s disheartening to hear that some women who are gainfully employed or engaged in business refuse to assist their husbands in any little way when the need arises and knowing how the husband has been providing for the upkeep of the home until things took another turn. No godly woman would subscribe to such apathy, because we are called helpmeet in the bible.  –Jane O. Okafor

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