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Black ticket

Kaka: What is all that noise outside about, Koko?
Koko: Those are my supporters cheering me. They are very happy. Indeed it is a happy day for them, for me, for us.
Kaka: Slow down, young man. What are they supporting and cheering you for? Did something happen that I didn’t know about?
Koko: Yeah, you obviously do not read newspapers or watch television, otherwise you would have heard that I just got the ticket to run for the governorship of Ondo state. That is why…
Kaka: Hold it, you did what?
Koko: Are you had of hearing or what? I said I just got the ticket to vie for the governorship ticket of Ondo state.
Kaka: Ah, so I heard you right then? I’m just finding it difficult to piece governorship ticket, Koko and Ondo electtion together in one sentence.
Koko: It’s not so hard. Just try and get your brain to soak it all in. And don’t spend too much time on it. You have to get in the swing and help me prepare for the election proper.
Kaka: When did you even start contemplating being a governor, least of all the governor of Ondo state? And then, where and when did the primaries take place? I thought that ship sailed a long time ago and all the political parties had submitted the names of their candidates to INEC.
Koko: I know some people do not wish me well but I didn’t know you were one of them. What’s it with the 20-questions game?
Kaka: As a friend, I need to know you do not have any screws lose upstairs. When and where did this primaries take place where they gave you the ticket?
Koko: The primaries took place in Ibadan, somewhere in Imalefalafia. My supporters were there. The party delegates were there and I won hands-down.
Kaka: Why do I get this feeling you will soon be caught pants-down?
Koko: That is how evil people feel when they hear good news.
Kaka: Didn’t your party already submit the name of another candidate weeks ago?
Koko: Doesn’t my party have a right to change its mind?
Kaka: Did INEC also change its mind after accepting one name earlier? Was INEC even present at this your evening market primaries?
Koko: For your information, the primaries took place in the morning. In any case, what does it matter when you go to the market as long as you buy whatever you want to buy? I wanted a guber ticket and I got a guber ticket, it does not matter whether it was at an evening market or at a Sunday market. What is important is that I am a governor in waiting.
Kaka: Ehn ehn, you, a governor?
Koko: Yes ke, why do you think my people are already addressing me as ‘Excellency’? This thing is in the bag.
Kaka: Koko, if they are deceiving you, should you also be deceiving yourself? Why didn’t you do this your ‘wuruwuru’ primary in Ondo? Why Ibadan, the state capital of another state. Is that even in the constitution?
Koko: It is ‘bad belle’ that is worrying you. That is why you are asking all kinds of questions. (Singing)
A moye yi je
Iwo n na, Iwo n papa
Iwo n na.
Kaka: In other words, the election is a done deal?
Koko: Oh yes, wake up and smell the coffee. Ain’t no stopping us now, we’re on the move.
Kaka: Your Excellency, Governor Koko of Ondo state, may I see this your Ibadan ticket?
Koko: No, you may not. You think I will be carrying such a sensitive document around with so many enemies eyeing me with their evil eyes. My ticket is in a safe deposit box in a bank.
Kaka: I dey laff ooo. But that is still good. However, did you check the ticket when they gave you. You know it was at an evening market? It is possible it was a well done copy from ‘Oluwole’ in Lagos. Very poetic, really. An Ondo governorship primary conducted in the coven in Ibadan with a ticket printed in Lagos. Ah ah ah…
Koko: It is jealousy that is killing you. You need to get over yourself and get on this train before it leaves the station. Right now, you still stand a chance of becoming my Chief of Staff. Don’t let envy deprive you of a good thing.
Kaka: Thank you very much, your excellency but I like my life to be without complications. I still have my reservations about this hurriedly procured ticket. Are you sure you did not use ‘juju’ on the INEC people?
Koko: No, I did not. It is the Lord’s doing and it is marvelous in our eyes.
Kaka: Chaiii, our long suffering God don suffer for politicians’ hands.
Koko: What did you say?
Kaka: Nothing o. I just hope you remember what happened in 1983 in Ondo, the many lives that were lost, the properties destroyed just because the voters felt shortchanged by FEDECO, the election umpire then.
Koko: What has that got to do with me?
Kaka: You know Ondo people do not like being made to look like fools. I’m just wondering if you have given this a thorough thought.
Koko: Are you trying to scare me?
Kaka: I’m only trying to remind you of a few chapters in the history of this region. This may not end as nicely as it started and I love you too much to let the chants of ‘your excellency’ by your supporters lead you into a dark place.
Koko: They believe in me…
Kaka: They believe in what you are giving them. They are broke. They are desperate and they are using you to make extra money. You are nothing more than an ATM. Once your machine stops dispensing cash, they will move to another one.
Koko: You are just a spoiler.
Kaka: No, you are doing all the spoiling yourself. Think of the tension your black market ticket has generated. Did you see the demonstrations that already took place? How will you feel if this ‘your excellency’ drama lead to the burning of houses and maiming? How will you feel if this ambition to become governor leads to the death of promising children of struggling farmers? How will you sleep knowing dozens of mothers are mourning their daughters? It may not come to that but what if it does? By the time breadwinners start getting pushed into the burning buildings of the businesses they built with blood and sweat, it would be too late to pull back…
Koko: I remember all the blood and violence of 1983…
Kaka: How will you sleep with your wife when other husbands are burying their wives?
Koko: Oook, that is enough. I will go and return the black ticket to whence it came from.
Kaka: I know you are a good man under all that puffy ego.
Koko: So, I’m like a thief who jumped in through the window, I have to jump out through the same window, right?
Kaka: Yeah, but you are also a man who would rather do what is right than walk through human blood into the cushy office of ‘his excellency’.

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Re:- A little glow in our cloud
I really enjoyed your comments on October 9th news on the back page of the Sunday Sun. Thanks for that insight into our future together. –Goshen Chidi

Re:- The power of the other room
I always really cherish your mode of writing especially with the recent one about the power in the other room. In our culture, especially in Yorubaland where I come from, it is not widely accepted to describe what goes on in “the other room” openly. But the way you analysed the relevance of this “other but important room”, I hope our women would rise up to the occasion and stop the punishment(s) meted to our men for some reasons. Indeed, there is power in the other room, more than the kitchen or elsewhere.  –Bukola Ogunkeye, your fan

‘Lolzz,  Chai’. You made me laugh today!
Keep it up, ‘biko’.
I read your article in the ‘OTHER ROOM’. 
You write fantastically. –Chinua Onyebuchi

Good day, I am a regular reader of your column since two years ago. I don’t joke with it because it’s informative, fun and well-crafted to address different issues we face as a nation.
I really enjoyed this week’s subject and I am going to keep it for my darling wife to read.
I feel RESPECTED when my wife dutifully handle me well in the other room. I truly love my wife no matter what and let me correct this notion: The way to a man’s heart is through ‘the other room’.
Keep it up ma.
–Isaac Ogbotor

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