According to statistics, approximately 10 to 15 per cent of pregnancies are lost before the 13th week. Since pregnancy loss is so common, you would think there would be more understanding around how to help and offer comfort to those going through it.
That’s generally not the case, though, because the subject is a taboo. Many women are made to feel they shouldn’t talk about it or that it’s no big deal—when in reality, grieving and seeking support are very important aspects of the process.
If you know someone who suffered miscarriage and you wanted to comfort her, you should avoid using the phrases below.
“It wasn’t a real baby”. For many women, bonding with their babies-to-be happens the moment they learn they are pregnant. Even if she was only pregnant for a short time, that baby was already real. Plans and dreams were formed in the family’s heads, and life had already changed. It doesn’t matter how far along she was in her tommy. To her, that baby was much more than its gestational stage.
At least you weren’t further along. It’s true that the further along you are in your pregnancy, the more complications can happen during the loss—but this phrase tries to diminish the pain felt, perpetuating the idea that a baby lost in the first trimester doesn’t necessitate any grief. The pain, both physical and emotional is very real, even in the very early stages.
It wasn’t meant to be. When hearing this phrase during the grief of loss, it can compound feelings that you have done something wrong or that the person believes you are not fit to be a parent.
At least you can still get pregnant. There are many women in the world who struggle to get pregnant, and that struggle comes with its pain and grief, but rarely is pregnancy the end goal for any woman. Getting pregnant is the first step to parenthood, and a woman who has miscarried is also robbed of that seemingly natural right. Plus, there’s really no reason to compare one woman’s struggles to another’s.
“This happens to everyone”, it’s not a big deal. For many women seeking support, this phrase is heartbreaking. Miscarriage is certainly common, but that doesn’t negate the need for support, compassion, and healthy grieving that comes with loss.
“You will be fine in a few days.” For some women, the grieving period is very short after a miscarriage, and that’s totally okay. However, for others, the grief can last awhile and it can be complicated by several other factors, so telling someone they’re going to be fine in a few days, whether that comes from a friend or doctor, is very misleading and dismissive. The physical side effects can last several weeks, and she may need even longer to work through the emotional aspects of loss.
“Be grateful for what you have.” When someone is in pain, most of us are aware that telling them to “suck it up” isn’t exactly helpful. This phrase, often said to women who have older children and are grieving over their miscarriage, is the same sentiment, just dressed up a little differently. Regardless of the number of children you’ve already given birth to, it’s perfectly normal to grieve after losing a pregnancy.